What I Wore This Week – The Two Necklaces At One Time Edition

So if this is super boring and or obnoxious, let me know.

And then I will, uh, probably just keep doing it, so maybe never mind.

{American Eagle polo shirt, Gap Boyfriend Roll Up shorts, Top Siders}

Everyone needs at least one navy blue polo shirt. Words to live by, there you go.  At first I wasn’t so sure about these shorts, and I was a trifle miffed that they came in this coral color and not orange (at the time although of course now they DO come in orange), but they actually look nice in these pictures.  God, fashion is so confusing!  Anyway, I think I had gardening to do or something, so this was sort of dressed down, but I dig it.  I might buy some more of those shorts, actually.

{vintage tunic, old navy t shirt, gap denim capris, donald j. pliner sandals}

Ok, so I just finished reading “Nina Garcia’s Little Black Book of Style” because Kayla told me to read it and I do whatever she says, basically, and I just loved it, and she talks a bit about how it’s not about how much clothes cost or what the label is or if it’s this week’s it thing, but more about clothes that are interesting and fun and that make her want to walk up to someone and ask “WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?” and the whole time I was reading it, I was thinking of this shirt. It’s a little bit crazy,right? But I looooooove it. You can’t get it at the Gap this week, it’s just so crazy and fun and pretty. I bought it at a garage sale from this little old lady who was selling all her very cool old clothes from like, 1962, and she obviously didn’t want to be selling any of this stuff, and so I just grabbed a few things and got out of there, but I could have spent hours poring through this lady’s stuff, and now I have this tunic and I love it. However I think I would prefer it with white pants and with different shoes, as it got a weird Jesus middle eastern vibe very quickly with the sandals.

{Old Navy striped ruffled tee, Old Navy denim skirt, American Eagle tank, Salt Water Sandals}

I just wore this because I wanted to wear my yellow salt water sandals, to be honest. But I wore earrings too! Also, I bought this shirt in navy stripes last year and I could never figure out how to wear it because it’s see through but it looked weird with a tank under it. And then last weekend at the fair I saw someone wearing it with a tank under it but also with a few buttons open. OH! I GET IT NOW! Good lord.

This is also when I decided if I was going to have to do this stupid fashion posing I might as well go for broke and mix in some objects. You know, for kicks.

{J. Crew ribbed tank in white and blue, Old Navy denim skirt, J. Crew resin chain necklace}

Then it got hot as blazes and I had to change, and I also had to rethink my stance on these ribbed tank tops. I just got rid of a ton because they felt so schlumpy and they exposed my upper arms! The horror! But dammmit, I loved this outfit.  Hmmmm. I might be buying some more ribbed tank tops. I mean, is Jillian Michaels going to use me for an arm model? Doubtful. But you know, these tank tops fit and I think this looks nice! Whatever.  Also, I have a terrible farmer tan.

{Gap t shirt, Old Navy skirt, shoes you can’t see, J. Crew necklace, Target necklace}

Oh my god you guys, get ready for the Two Necklace Soliloquy.

So I put on the one necklace and it looked off.  And then I put on the other necklace, and that looked off too, and then I wondered if maybe…just maybe…I could wear TWO NECKLACES?! I know, right? Crazy pants. So then I wore two necklaces, because really when it comes down to it, fashion is supposed to be fun.  I mean, it’s just clothes! It should be fun and a little crazy and as much as I love Ann Taylor and aspire to someday own a pair of Nantucket Reds, I have been reading Vogue since the age of 8 and I possess a deep and intrinsic fondness for Gianni Versace, and I once wore a pair of full body J. Crew flannel pajamas to a dress up day in high school.  I just…don’t want to take myself too seriously. I want to wear big hats and crazy sunglasses and feathers.  Sometimes.  And other times polo shirts. So I wore two necklaces and I loved it.  Also, check out Atlantic Pacific if you are not already, because I think we can all agree that she’s doing it right over there and I find it very inspiring. If she can wear two necklaces so can I!

Also, I love those Old Navy skirts, and the only reason I do not buy all of them is because every single year they get all pilly after I wear them a few times. I sincerely wish they would just raise the price by $10 and make them out of something that doesn’t pill, but whatever.  I love that stupid skirt anyway, even if I am going to have to throw it out at the end of the summer.

{Banana Republic tank, American Eagle shorts, shoes you can’t see because my CAMERA IS POSSESSED BY SATAN}

This is my “WHY THE HELL WILL MY CAMERA NOT TAKE A PICTURE OF MY SHOES TODAY WHEN IT DID TWO DAYS AGO? face.

It’s going to be 9,000 degrees today. I am wearing shorts.

The end.

Books I Read In May

Oy. I’ll just put that out there right now.

64. No Cheating, No Dying. I mostly wanted to read this so I could side eye the part where the husband spends more on food than on their mortgage, but it was so incredibly boring I couldn’t stand it and I stopped reading it.

65. This was a book about the Titanic I don’t even remember the name of. It turns out I don’t care about the Titanic. At all.

66. Carry the One.  I liked this, but it did that thing where each chapter is told from the perspective of a different narrator, and I don’t love that. Just when I get used to one person, someone else is telling the story, and I find it jarring.

67. Some Assembly Required.  This was…not my favorite Anne Lamott. Is it just me or did she seem a little…tetchy? I don’t know. I love Anne Lamott, but for me this was too self centered and cranky.

68. The One Hundred. Nina Garcia is my new favorite person.

69. The Book of Blood and Shadow.  This was definitely an entertaining read. I would have liked it more if it hadn’t been so oppressively ripped off from The Da Vinci Code.  I consider The Davinci Code to be an actual crime against humanity, so any book that reminds me of it incessantly isn’t going to come off favorably.

70. The Baker’s Daughter. Blah.

71. The Running Dream.  Sometimes I put off reading the books everyone else loves because they just sound boring.  Anyway. Everyone loved this book, two years ago. I loved this book two weeks ago.

72. The Silent Land. I mean, I don’t know. It was entertaining but sort of stupid. This is one of those “OMG what is happening to them” books where what is happening to them ends up being no great surprise.  At least they didn’t turn out to be clones, I guess.

73. I Suck At Girls.  I found this entertaining and it made me laugh, so that goes a long way with me.

74. Sean Griswold’s Head. I just did not care.

75. The Runner. I think I am remembering why I never make it all the way through the Tillerman series, because this book was not for me.

76. An Uncommon Education. I don’t know.  This was just so boring.

77. Jersey Angel. I read a review somewhere that said, disparagingly, “This book is just about sex.” Naturally I reserved it immediately.  Anyway, it’s hardly the great american novel, but you know, I liked it. The main character did not make me want to stab myself in the eye, which is an improvement over the vast majority of the rest of these books. I also did not fall asleep from deadly deadly boredom while reading it, so you know.

78. The Reconstructionist. Very well written, but it just…I don’t know.  THere was no “there” there.

79.  Billy Flynn’s Long Halftime Walk. I loved this book. The maybe last two chapters sort of…lagged on into weirdness, a bit, but that’s my only complaint.  Probably the best book of the month.

80. I Hunt Killers. Oh my god, this book was so FRAKKING WEIRD.  It’s billed as Teen Fiction, which it is, but it’s the story of a teenage whose father was a serial killer and killed and raped hundreds of women!!! And meanwhile it’s told in this goofy teen detective Encyclopedia Brown style and it’s JUST SO WEIRD and not in a good way.  I think this is where I’d like to point out that “Having a weird idea like what if you were a teenager and your dad was a serial killer or no one was allowed to wear hats or we all have nothing to eat but frogs!” is not a sign from God that you should write a young adult fiction novel.  Seriously.

81. Another Piece of My Heart. Wow. I have to admit I didn’t make it very far in this book, because every single character in it SUCKED ASS.  There’s only so long I can read about total jerks before I’ve  had enough.

82. The Little Black Book of Style.  This only made me love Nina Garcia more.  Seriously, read this book, it’s so fun and she’s so awesome.

83.  After the Snow. I think maybe I just don’t want to read books where things are wretched for children and then they get worse and everyone has to make horrible! decisions! about! life! and! death! and leave little kids to die of starvation in the snow. No thank you.

This month, wow.  Can someone just please write a fun summer read about girls and shoes? Aces.

Snack Time

One of my favorite things about having happy hour all the time is that it’s a great excuse to make snacks. I love making snacks, but it’s hard to have a party where that’s all you make because in general hors doevres type things are fussy to make and expensive to buy.  But for happy hour everyone brings just one or two things and a bottle of wine, which is awesome because I’ve got about ten thousand appetizer recipes saved up and now I  finally have someone to cook them for. Pinterest is awesome for this except for the fact that sometimes something looks and sounds great and then is boring or doesn’t work out, so here’s what’s been working and what hasn’t, at least for me. Feel free to assume user error, obvs.

This apple pie dip stuff was a huge hit, except that I felt a little weird about how much it came out of a jar or a bag. It seemed a little trashy, but in general I think that’s a common theme with Pinterest recipes. Pinterest really wants you to make something out of a box of cake mix and a can of 7 UP, am I right? Anyway, this is a mite trashy and everyone loved it.

Source: lh4.ggpht.com via Elizabeth on Pinterest

 

These Multi Colored Tomato Tartlets are my favorite thing I have made, maybe ever. In a long long time. Unfortunately the Trader Joe’s puff pastry comes and goes with the wind and it’s way better than the puff pastry from anywhere else, and I would recommend not using shitty grocery store tomatoes with this so you may have to wait a bit for the tomato crop to come in, but once it does, MAKE THESE.

Source: nytimes.com via Elizabeth on Pinterest

By the time we got around to eating these pretzel bites, I was underwhelmed. I think they need to be eaten hot, maybe? They seemed hard and kind of greasy.

Source: justgetoffyourbuttandbake.com via Elizabeth on Pinterest

 

This Gouda in Puff Pastry was good, but not great. It also did not fare well after sitting around.

Source: bakedbree.com via Elizabeth on Pinterest

 

This honey herb soda was good, if a little strange tasting, but I don’t know that I’d make it again. I wasn’t blown away, let’s put it that way.

Source: notwithoutsalt.com via Elizabeth on Pinterest

 

I made roasted sunchokes, I thought they were repulsive. They tasted like soap to me.

Source: thebittenword.com via Elizabeth on Pinterest

 

 

 

This focaccia recipe is the bomb. Easy, cheap, makes a ton, and it’s super delicious. I’ve always had someone ask for the recipe for it every time I’ve made it.

Source: allrecipes.com via Elizabeth on Pinterest

 

This toasted ravioli was actually really hard to make and it was rather gross when it was done. Heavy and oily. I’m not a great fryer though, so maybe it was my fault.

Source: tastykitchen.com via Elizabeth on Pinterest

 

Ok, I must have done something wrong, but I had to throw these shrimp out. They were inedible.

Source: kraftrecipes.com via Elizabeth on Pinterest

 

These beet chips were pretty, but I had to buy two bags of overpriced Terra Chips to get enough whole chips to make them, which added to the microgreens and the cheese makes this like, a $14 appetizer.

Source: marthastewartweddings.com via Elizabeth on Pinterest

 

When in doubt, go with the Barefoot Contessa. This recipe for Pan Friend Onion Dip is killer.

Source: foodnetwork.com via Elizabeth on Pinterest

 

I was not impressed with these Oreo Cookie Cheesecakes. I thought they were basically tasteless and all that cream cheese makes them really expensive to make for something that tastes like a mouthful of mushy cream cheese.

Source: bit.ly via Elizabeth on Pinterest

 

And these pretzels…hmmm. They just tasted like oily pretzels to me. Maybe I did it wrong. I’d rather have Chex Mix though.

Source: jenncanzo.typepad.com via Elizabeth on Pinterest

 

Good god, I am apparently terrible at this! These cheese straws were also duds. Really hard to make and requires expensive ingredients and then tasted like greasy flavorless bread.

Source: saveur.com via Elizabeth on Pinterest

 

I don’t have a picture of this, but my other surefire appetizer recipe is to get a brick of cream cheese, dump a jar of red pepper jelly over it, and eat it with crackers. Recommend.

I am hopeful that once the tomatoes kick off my appetizer track record will improve. Caprese skewers are really hard to screw up.

Summer Fun, Had Me a Blast

So I’m sure you’ve seen those adorable lists of summer activities slathered all over Pinterest, right? Because I am nothing if not a slavish follower to the overdecorated whims of the internet, here is our list:

I do well with a list, and I am afraid I won’t remember all the stuff I want to do this summer unless it’s in my face reminding me. Plus I really do need to paint the front porch.  But mostly I am not the spontaneous light saber battle type. I dearly wish I was, but I am not, so I like to think of this list as a little crutch to remind me that really really want to have a Tomato Party and that I can’t wait to take Eli fishing and that the Orange Freeze should be open soon.  Our preschool runs through the next three months (THANK YOU SWEET JESUS) so we have some structure there, but you know, fun.  I like to schedule it.

This weekend we knocked out two of these activities (“wash the car” and “Go to the County Fair”) and all this family togetherness has forced me to reconsider this list, I am afraid, because as much as I dream the impossible dream of an idealized Country Lemonade Commercial version of summer, as much as I want so much for my kids to remember running through the sprinklers and campfire smores, I mean, we went to the County Fair and it sucked, basically. Yeah. It pretty much sucked.

I don’t even know. I don’t know. I mean, I am not sure if it’s our parenting styles or our particular children or if we are trying too much too soon, but it’s exhausting and it’s not an insignificant amount of money to do things like this, and when it’s not fun, I feel defeated. And I don’t expect to party like it’s 1999 in the petting zoo or whatever, but really the entire time we were there at least one child was in the throes of a complete emotional breakdown. Eli did nothing but obsess over going on rides he wasn’t tall enough to go on, and Katie couldn’t go on any rides, so then we’d have to drag one screaming child away from the animals to go back to the rides or drag another screaming child away from the rides to go see the animals, and I find myself wondering if maybe we just shouldn’t leave the house.

Seriously, I am not exaggerating when I say that any activity involving taking both children out of the house is terrible, and yet I want nothing more than to do these things with the four of us and actually when it was the three of us we managed pretty well, but now we are four and we cannot go out to eat, we cannot go to the library, we cannot go to Target or Home Depot without screaming or someone falling out of a cart or someone falling into someone else’s nachos and I just feel defeated.

If I squint hard enough into the future I can see a well behaved eight year old and a well behaved five year old really having fun watching the fireworks after a baseball game or riding the roller coasters at the County Fair, but I guess what I’m wondering is if this time now, this wretched unpleasant soul sucking time, is necessary for those moments, or if we should just give up?  Should I just buy the one fishing license and let fishing be something that Eli and Erik do alone together, even though I really want to fish too, dammit? Am I doing something important, now, actually?

Or am I just bashing my head against a wall that says “Summer Fun” on it for absolutely no reason? Beacuse I have to tell you. The head bashing? It’s not really as much fun as you might think.

 

 

What I Wore This Week Stripes Edition

First of all (Emily) the reason I am making all these weird faces is because the only other choice is the face where I look like I will cut you.  It’s GoofyFace or BitchFace, so I go with goofy.

I love this t shirt. Do not ask me why it only comes in orange stripes or neon green stripes, because if it came in red and navy and yellow I would buy the crap out of this shirt. In other news, this outfit made my boobs look humangous.

{american eagle shorts, old navy t shirt, target necklace, top siders}

In retrospect, this outfit was not my favorite. I think that sweater is supposed to be cropped and it hits me at the wrong spot on the skirt so it makes me look like I have no waist, but I was late for the Cactus and Succulent Show that my husband had been obsessing about all week, so I just went with it.

{old navy sweater, old navy skirt, american eagle tank, target flip flops, target necklace}

I LOVED this outfit. LOVED IT.  LOVED LOVED LOVED.  You can tell I loved it because I look really happy in every picture. And this skirt is so short and it’s less poofy than I normally wear but I think maybe, maybe I have been doing that thing where I am trying to cover myself up with things that are too long and too long poofy and too big and when I wear things in the correct sizes and proportions, I look better?  I am  not sure but I have started to think about it a lot.

{talbots skirt, gap t shirt, target necklace, franco sarto wedges}

Then we have the infamous skirt that I asked Twitter about.  I started out wearing it with a long t shirt pulled over it, and it looked just…off.  I think this is along the lines of what Slynnro was very nicely trying to tell me last week.  My general fashion MO for the past few years has been =  really puffy skirt plus too long t shirt and sweater pulled down tight over it.  I feel very SAFE in that outfit.  But when you start to look at pictures of it, it’s not actually very flattering.  It’s…bulky and hippy.  This skirt feels very short and it’s tucked in and it was SCARY to wear.  In fact I ended up returning it but now I’m thinking maybe I should get it back and take a deep breath and tuck in a t shirt or two.

{target skirt, old navy t shirt, target necklace, j crew wedges}

This is the skirt I wrote about in my Style Lush post this week. I LOVE this skirt, and it is also making me rethink my “puffy skirts fix everything I hate about my body” stance.  I kind of sort of maybe think that fitted pencil skirts, which I would NEVER ever have considered buying before, are more flattering on me than puffy skirt plus tight t shirt pulled over the top.

{target sweater, old navy skirt, hush puppies red wedges, necklace I can’t remember where I got it but it was somewhere on the internet so probably Ebay}

Someone graduated from preschool! (It wasn’t me. I’ve already done that). See? A non poofy skirt. With a real waist.  That fits! And looks nice! Anyway.

{target sweater, gap skirt, gap t shirt, franco sarto wedges}

Edited to add! I forgot an outfit! And I love this one!

Fashion blogger fail! Anyway. I tucked this shirt in, even though you can’t tell.  It felt revolutionary though. Funny how these things seem like a BIG deal. And then they don’t.  Also, I love that sweater with the fire of a thousand suns.  They really can make a lightweight v neck sweater at Target, I must say.

{jcrew skirt, old navy t shirt, target sweater, target necklace, target flip flops}

What I Wore This Week

Old Navy yellow eyelet skirt (last summer), Target shoes (from the little girls sections, last summer), navy t shirt from Target, yellow necklace from Target.

I think I saved the Old Navy boat neck shirt! It was just too long and tunicy to wear with a skirt.  But these white shorts worked with it because they are more fitted and look like bike shorts under a loose shirt.  I don’t know that I’d nominate this for “The most flattering thing I ever wore” but I liked it.

Old Navy boat neck t shirt, Target turquoise necklace, white American Eagle denim bermuda shorts, gold Top Siders.

This is my “I cannot believe I’m having cramps and I still have to do preschool drop off” outfit.  Luckily this outfit was saved by this jacket, which is a fabulous piece of miracle clothing. Normally I look SO GREAT in pieces with structure but I don’t like the constricting feeling of a blazer.  This is made of thick sweatshirt material so it gives great structure but it’s still comfortable. I really debated buying it and it was a great purchase.

Target Converse One Star Jacket (last year), Old Navy t shirt, Target elastic waisted convertible cargo pants, Target flower flip flops, Orla Kieley purse (old, can only be found on Ebay)

I’m sort of on the fence about this outfit.  It looks really cute on and I always get compliments on it when I wear this skirt with a different t shirt I have, but in pictures it looked so hippy and something about the length and the layers gave me a weird can can girl vibe.  I don’t know. I’m still pondering it.

I have about ten million of these 3/4 length cardigans from Target and I think they’re great.  Cardigans, especially fitted ones, tend to gap on me, though, so whenever I buy one of these I just sew the front shut. Voila! No more gapping.

This series of pictures inspired me to wipe off the terrible dark berry lip gloss I had on and to throw it out. It’s a color the whole internet raves about it. It’s very safe. It looks awful on me. I put on some bright red lipstick and then I felt better. Way less safe, but better.

Target cardigan, Gap skirt (old, via Ebay), Target shoes, Target necklace.

I loved everything about this outfit, especially because it redeemed this skirt which was just about to get shit canned! And those shoes! They are my new favorite thing.

Gap Mason Crew tee, Gap white skirt (old), Target necklace, Franco Sarto wedges (via Ebay).

I love this outfit because it is the uniform at work! I’ve been branching out a little bit lately but this look adheres to all my guiding principles.  Colors/fit/etc.

This is my “I hate preschool field trips” face.  The field trip is why I am wearing shorts and flip flops.  I LOVED this outfit. I felt so proud of myself that I had this stuff in my closet and could put together something comfortable, cute, appropriate, and that looked casual but nicer than a t shirt and denim capris.  I love these shorts so much, btw.  I wish they came in more colors online (they’re from the J. Crew outlet) but I am thinking of buying another pair in gray because they fit me so well.  I have a few pairs from earlier this year when I gave up on shorts and just kept a couple pairs that weren’t great, and this just proves to me that if something is not great, you should keep looking.  The right piece is out there.

J. Crew Factory city bermuda shorts, white American Eagle tank, American Eagle Kimono Tee (similar), Target necklace, Target flip flops.

I Wear Navy on the Outside When I Feel Navy on the Inside

I took about six thousand pictures of this outfit before I decided that this t shirt was just unflattering and I should get rid of it.  I will learn an “$8 I don’t wear an XL t shirt at Old Navy” lesson and move on.  Also, I always buy boat neck shirts and then I have a hard time wearing them. I love how they look, but wearing a tank under them ruins that nice open shoulder effect and then I just have to move my bra straps way over to the side and that’s strange feeling and unflattering and I don’t know. Probably I should not  buy boat neck t shirts.

Anyway, this was better.

Navy blue Gap favorite t shirt (why do they not sell a navy blue v neck t shirt?!), allegedly the J. Crew bubble necklace but via Ebay for 1/10th the cost, hand me down Old Navy skirt, Top Siders)

 

A Note From the Shameless Commerce Division

So I finally girded up my loins and cleaned out the FOUR (four!) tubs of too small clothing that I’ve been hauling around with me for the last several years just in case I accidentally got a tape worm and lost sixty pounds.  I saved some of it that I just can’t bear to get rid of, but it turns out most of that stuff that I’ve thought longingly of from afar all this time? Not that great.  Apparently I equated “professionally dressy” with polyester, or at least I did 5 years ago.  Our local Goodwill got a LARGE drop off of Target capri pants yesterday, let me just put it to you that way.

Anyway, there was some stuff that seemed in good shape and that I’d totally wear if it fit me, but that I don’t really see the point in hanging onto, and I am slowly putting it all up for sale on Ebay.  Hey, if nothing else, maybe the clothes I can’t wear anymore can fund a new pair of shorts I can wear, right?

Anyway, if you’d like to check out my claim that yes, I do somehow seem to have come into possession of all the denim skirts there ever were, you can check out my ebay listings here.  And thank you in advance for not reminding me that I once wore jeans in a size 4. Petite.

House Tour: Backyard

This is one of those depressing updates where the “After” actually looks worse than the Before, at least the two years of before, because you will recall that our yard was redone by the tv show Turf Wars and when it was finished it looked really really really good.  Better than it does now.  But unfortunately it only looked that way for about two minutes, and then it became a giant stress filled pit because we spent all our time trying to keep it looking good despite the fact that it was very high maintenance and impractical for our lives.

So maybe let’s start with the Way Before, from when we first bought the house:

The thing is, as terrible as this yard looked, it worked so well for us.  We got a little table and chairs and and an umbrella and I sat out there while Eli played in the grass and I could hose the patio off whenever I needed to.  We added a few things like porch railings and we planted tomatoes in a line around the edge of the yard and it was very non stress. It was not another thing I needed to clean.

Then Turf Wars came in and added all the things, and as part of that process they added nine thousand pounds of black mulch.  Black mulch plus poor drainage plus a dog plus two kids was basically a complete disaster.  We’d have to haul bags and bags and bags of mulch into the yard every year to replace the mulch that had washed away over the winter, and it would look good for about two minutes before it was covered with leaves and scattered all over the (light colored) patio.  The dog and the kids dragged the mulch all over and there wasn’t enough grass for kids to play in and there was nowhere to really plant tomatoes.  And it always just looked so so so so messy.  There was no way to keep it off the patio and the pavers and the paths.  Terrible.

It really really stressed me out that my backyard always looks wretched.  I do want a backyard with some spots to putter and to try to plant a few things but I cannot deal with one more thing that always needs cleaning, so this spring we started making some changes.

The first thing we did was to take as much mulch as we could out of the yard and then we planted grass.  We made sure to plant it so that the patio is edged by grass, not by mulch.  It’s still coming in so it looks a bit long and patchy, but all that area where the pavers are? All used to be mulch, and trust me when I tell you this is SO MUCH BETTER. It does not look better on camera, but it looks much better the rest of the time, and the rest of the time is what I’m interested in, it turns out.

The tomatoes are in a line against that wall made of grape stakes, which works a lot better than having a giant glob of tomatoes in the middle of the yard.  The nice thing about this is that we ever want to sell our house, we can fill in this line with grass and some bushes pretty easily.

Then we added river rocks all along the perimeter of the patio and up against the house and under the porch.  This used to be mulch, and it was absolutely disgusting all the time. It looked awful. I like to think the gray rocks give it sort of Zen vibe. I don’t know, humor me here.  These rocks were really heavy.

Yes, that is a mural. No, I did not paint it.

I have had to throw a few rocks back a few times.  This does not compare to the patio always being covered in scrappy black mulch.  Seriously, I love it so much, angels sing when I walk out into the backyard.

We finally got dining chairs at IKEA last weekend, but I didn’t buy the yellow ones because in person they looked like little kids chairs.  These wooden folding ones were only $10 more ($34.95 each), and they’re not going to win anyone any awards for excitement but they get the job done and they are easy to move around so I can use them for happy hour.  I got six, so you should come over for dinner.

In an ideal world in which every day is not ninety five degrees I’d like to spend all my time outside, and so I also wanted some lounge furniture.  This stuff came from OSH. It’s very comfortable and it was cheap and Mr. E did not hate it. It’s very brown, but I am going to throw some non brown pillows on it.  It does match the yard quite well.

Which reminds me – it’s interesting.  None of this is really exactly my taste.  In an ideal world I would not have all this slate and a mural and a giant metal pergola that only looks like wood and brown wicker furniture, but my ideal garden would be sort of cobbley and filled with tiny corners and fairy gardens and delicate plants that like shade and it would take a lot of puttering.  Like hours of puttering.  It would not be suited to a large dog and a large husband and two messy children, so this  yard to me is a compromise of practicality and quite frankly I can live with that just fine.

This retaining wall was built by the show:

and they neglected to put a drainage hole in it, despite the fact that the patio it’s built on slopes to the corner they put the wall on. (So it can be hosed off and water doesn’t sit on it when it rains.) So that means water pools in the corner of the patio if you try to clean it with a hose.  Extra fun when it’s always covered in black mulch. I did get a quote for $450 dollars for someone to come out with a core drill and make a 4″ hole in it but instead Mr. E and I bought a 1″ drill bit from Home Depot for $19.99 and drilled a hole in it ourselves.  This is when we found out that so much regrading of the yard was done by the show that the area where water would run off into is no longer lower than the patio.  So now I Shop Vac the patio and write rude letters to television show producers in my head.

You can see my two super cheap adirondack chairs from Home Depot.  You have to put them together and paint them.  I ended up painting them red instead of brown because holy god there’s enough brown in this yard already.

The ones from Cost Plus are easier and nicer but these were much cheaper and I had so  much furniture to buy that I went with cheap.  The stupid giant tree that grows above the circular patio drops an absolute metric ton of dry brown crap all over the place.  The hope is that these hydrangeas fill in and disguise the metric ton of brown crap.  It’s also the only place I can keep a hydrangea alive since it’s so hot here and they really don’t like it, but so far it’s mostly just that one hydrangea over achieving and the rest suffering and looking spindly.   I’m not even going to tell you how many times a day I hose off that stupid circle covered in stupid dry brown things. Can no one invent a tree that does not drop crap all over the place?  So far I have had to get rid of a stupid asian pear tree dropping stupid asian pears all over my driveway and a stupid sweetgum tree dropping those ankle breaker sweetgums all over my patio and I am SICK OF THE TREE DROPPINGS.

Mr. E grows these pots of succulents all over the yard. I have nothing to do with this. My husband is basically the Succulent Whisperer.

This is Kevin.

I named it Kevin so that I could tell Mr. E “We need to talk about Kevin” because Kevin is taking over the backyard and dropping his stupid big black dirty leaves all over my patio.  The patio I have to Shop Vac. Kevin’s time here on earth is limited if my husband does not relocate him, but I think he loves this thing more than he loves me, so we’re still in the “giving each other the finger a lot” stage of that conversation.

I wanted a little space where I could do my flower puttering, but it just needed to be a little space and a little flower puttering.  I have neither the time or money or energy to do flower puttering on a mass scale, so this border edge got revamped a bit and we took out the stabby barberry bushes that were here originally.  I still need to mulch this (contained! away from the patio!) but I am thrilled at how many perennials have returned from last year, plus I added a few herbs and that peony this year ($12.50 from Costco!).  I am ridiculously pleased with the sucess of my little border although it doesn’t actually look like much.  I am less pleased with my husbands inability to stand next to an automatic hose reel while it reels in a hose and he does nothing.

On the other side there are some plants that I am not a huge fan of but Mr. E likes.  Azaleas and a gardenia.  At least they are not the dreaded rhododendrons of doom.  Plus they just sit there and look green, so I can deal.

Overall I am so so happy with this yard now.  It just takes your average amount of maintenance and the rocks stay put. It feels like I can take a deep breath when I go out there instead of being all stressed out all the time about it. I have room for my 27 tomato plants and my chard and there’s lots of spots to sit and relax, and there’s a good scope for messing around with a limited amount of flowers and such.  I do think it’s VERY brown and I need to make a trip to Marshalls for some outdoorsy type hoo ha to throw around, and there’s MORE work to do on the driveway side of things, but overall, I am really very pleased.  Seriously, best Mother’s Day present ever, and have I mentioned my tremendously wonderful my husband is for doing all of this and putting up with my crazy demands and my shopping and my spending money and making him haul rocks and work on this yard all the time? Well, he is very awesome.  The best, some might say. With the exception of that hose putting away disorder.  And Kevin.  We still need to talk about Kevin.

Proud

When Leslie took our Christmas card picture this year and the year before, I decided that two times in a row meant: annual tradition and that we’d have a Christmas picture taken every year.  So in January when I wrote out my New Year’s resolutions, I had that picture in the back of my mind, and knowing me there were five resolutions, but I only remember one. Because I said that when I look back on next year’s picture, I want to be proud of myself.

Please notice that I did not say that I wanted to be skinnier, or taller or blonder or any number of the ways I have craved to be different for years, for my whole entire life.  I just said that I wanted to be proud of myself.

When we took that picture, I was feeling anything but proud. I was not proud of the way that I was shoveling all the food I could find on Pinterest in my mouth. I was not proud that I felt embarrassed when people talked about exercise because I couldn’t remember the last time I’d done it. I was not proud of the 14 failed diets I’d put myself on and fallen off of in the month of December alone. I was not proud of the fact that I couldn’t find anything to wear, that I’d had to strew the entire contents of my closet across the room and admit that most of it didn’t fit.  I was the farthest thing from proud.

The reason I did not say that I wanted to be skinnier in next year’s picture is because I have come to suspect that it may not be possible for me to be skinnier.  Some combination of my metabolism and my life circumstances and my crazy pills seem to be making it awfully hard for me to lose weight.  And this is not because I am not trying, because I grow my own kale, ok? I am a really really healthy eater, but somehow it just doesn’t seem to make any difference, and after I went and had my thyroid tested and it came back normal, I gave up on skinny.

Instead, I gave up eating dairy, because it makes me feel sick. I gave up booze because it makes me barf. I gave up eating sugar, because it makes my heart race.  I gave up Diet Coke, because it makes me feel gross and gives me all kinds of weird cravings.  I gave up carbs and butter and I run three miles four times a week and I feel great.  I feel fucking great.

Do I wish all of this would lead to pounds melting off? Yes. Do I have clothes I really really really wish I could wear?  Am I frustrated? Yes.  I am all of those things.  But I am also really really proud of myself, and honestly? If I can keep this up for an entire year and do it just because it makes me feel better? If I can do this FOREVER even if I never lose weight? I’ll be infinitely more proud of myself than any amount of skinny could ever make me.

Plus letting go of “If I just try harder I will get thin and then I will ________” has allowed me to let go of so many other things.  Once I faced the idea that I might NEVER lose weight even if am making all the efforts I can make, then I could let myself buy new clothes. I could let myself put on a swimsuit and get in a pool in front of other people.  This might be as good as it gets.  Am I never going to buy new clothes? Am I never going to care about looking cute or have fun wearing a new necklace again? Am I NEVER GOING TO GO SWIMMING IN A PUBLIC POOL? FUCK NO.

So then I started shopping for the me that is here now, and I am just having so much fun.  I am having so much fun. I am buying cute shoes and fun necklaces and crazy teal sweaters! I am wearing weird things together just to try it out.  I plan outfits in my head while I’m driving to preschool.  I dug crazy heels I haven’t worn in years out of the back of my closet and I painted my toenails glitter silver and I am having so much fun.

The other day I finally realized:  YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE SKINNY TO LOOK NICE.  The two are not mutually exclusive.  And it was like a giant lightbulb went off in my brain and I finally finally got what everyone meant when they said that you deserve to buy clothes, you deserve to swim, you deserve to look nice, even if you’re fat.  Skinniness is not a test you have to pass to buy new shoes.

And then I bought a remote control for my camera, so get ready.