Jump

I’m finding it difficult to think of things to write about.

Part of that is because all of the things going on in my life right now are things that are BORRRRRRING to read about. See: my brain has turned to mush, my baby won’t sleep, my mother is annoying, my baby isn’t walking, I haven’t showered yet today, my house is a dark pit of despair, how to photograph a baby blanket from inside a dark pit of despair, is baby teething or is he just evil does he have an ear infection, cupcakes and the eating of, and my lackage of money with which to buy a house or pay rent despite the supposed housing bust. And also I love yoga pants.

Also, remember how I found out that my husband’s entire family was reading my blog? Well I’m fairly certain they’re still reading it (ie I know they are, I have a stat counter) and so I think I might be feeling a wee bit censored. For the record, what happened with that whole disaster is that I apologized and various people passively agressively talked to Mr. E about it and no one apologized to me, and I believe we are all supposed to just forget it ever happened. Which I totally won’t be able to do, but since no one seems to feel the need to even acknowledge my hurt feelings, I have moved on. But I won’t be forgetting.

Anyhoo. I’ve decided to just say whatever I damn well feel like saying – why should today be different from any other day in the life of Elizabeth? Onward ho!

So I’ve been thinking about having another baby. Mainly I’ve been thinking about having a baby girl, although I would accept either flavor. I do have a boy name all picked out. Also, every darn person I have ever known in my entire freaking life is having a baby girl, so I am fairly certain that by the time I have a baby I’ll be back on the boy cycle.

I’m fairly terrified of having another baby, I won’t lie to you all. I feel like I just got my life back, like, mere seconds ago. I feel like I just sort of maybe started not sucking at this whole parenthood routine, at least some of the time. Much of the time I still suck. I still haven’t gotten my body back and I am also not yet quite for certain how I feel about the whole stay at home mom thing. I agree with it, in principle, on good days, and on bad days I wonder how soon I could find a ninety hour a week job, preferably one with lots of travel. I really don’t think two car seats are going to fit in the back of the Jetta. (Also, California law makers? Please take a note. If I had been in a booster seat until I was four feet nine inches tall I would have been in a booster seat in the EIGHTH GRADE. I would have been better off dead than being dropped off in the eighth grade in a BOOSTER SEAT. Jesus. We can’t all be great towering beasts, Ahnahld.)

Anyway. Where was I? Oh yes. Babies.

I am nervous about it, and not sure at all if I am ready to be a mom times two. But I am also not interested in having an only child. And those little jungle print dresses in Gap Baby are mightily appealing, and I’m not getting any younger here, people. And Swistle tells me that five kids are easier than one and I know she wouldn’t lie. Mr. E is all for it, although I should add that his response to any discussion of any kind is that 1. we’d have to have sex to have a baby and 2. “Sure! I love babies! Everyone should have more babies!”

I know I am very fortunate in that I can say this and I absolutely know that not everyone can say this, but I think it is just marvelous that sometimes one can decide in an instant to just go for it when it comes to babies. Most things in life are not that simple. It is amazing to me that new life can be distilled down to a tiny little instant.

So I think I might have to throw caution to the wind once again and just go for it, despite moving schedules and insurance questions and weight gained and not yet lost. I find the mention of clocks disturbing, and I am not asking for approval, just thinking out loud, getting it out there. Just letting you know. I’m scared. I’m nervous. But somewhere in the back of my head I think more and more, these days, of baby newborn fuzz snuzzled right up under my chin and I think yes, absolutely, absolutely, it’s worth the leap.