Words

I posted this with trembling fingers.  I cried as I proofread.  It was a true last resort, to put that out there.  A written out cry for help.

I should have realized, but I was just…in a dark place, where I could not imagine the amazing support I would receive. I knew that you guys were awesome, but I did not know, before hand, that your words would become a life rope and that every comment would pull me a little closer to shore.  I never knew how much it would help to hear, over and over, “Me too” and “It was so hard, but I did it too, and it made such a difference.”  I never knew how reassuring it would be to find out that so many of you have been through this, have felt this way, have had to ask for help.  It felt so much less scary when I found out I was not alone.  And as I read your words my dark place became a little brighter and then gradually, slowly, lit a little tiny light at a time, began to glow.

Naming all those fears and dragging them out into the light of day made them less grand somehow.  The monster in the dark, revealed, turned out not to be so scary as I had thought.

I read the first comment and felt a little better. I read the tenth comment and thought that maybe I could just find my insurance card, even if I didn’t do anything with it.  I read the fourteenth comment and thought that maybe I could log into the insurance web site and just see if there were any doctors near me. I read the twentieth comment and thought that maybe I would look up in my insurance book what my benefits were.  And then I got phone calls and emails and read more comments and I took a deep breath and called the insurance company and said out loud to a real live person that I needed a psychiatrist, and I got an authorization number and a list of doctors and later that night Mr. E brought home thai food and then we looked at the doctor list and he listened while I told him that I would call tomorrow and then he said “Why don’t you call now?” and I explained why I didn’t want to and then he handed me the phone and he sat by me and I called.

My lovely new doctor just returned my call and I have an appointment with her next Thursday.  She didn’t ask me any weird questions and I didn’t have to offer up any explanations, other than how to spell Mr. E’s last name and what that wailing noise was in the background.  Hopefully when I told her I had a 20 month old she started to write out my prescription. :)

So, I did it. Now all I have to do is show up to my appointment and hope that I can refrain from telling my new doctor to rock my world.

I feel better.  Not super better. but about as much better as a person can feel who has some kind of quink in her brain but who knows that she is doing something to fix it, finally.  Actually.  That kind of better.

Just let me say this.  I can never ever ever ever ever ever thank all of you enough, for your response and your help and your words and your emails and your reassurances and offering me your home phone numbers and your me toos and your stories and your support.  I know that I am the one that picked up the phone, and I am proud of me, I am.  But you.  You all – your words made me strong.

Thank you.

And now I am going to take Cate’s excellent suggestion and buy myself a large silver nut I’ve been eyeing on Etsy for ages.  Nuts for the nuts, as they say.

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27 Responses

  1. Proud of you a ridiculous amount.

  2. I’m proud of you for making the call. And still so amazed at you writing ability. You really put into words feeling that I have had.

    Please let me know if there is anything I can do. Really. I mean it.

  3. Words are powerful – especially yours – but your strenght was there the whole time. You just needed a little prodding. I’m really glad you took the first step – I know it must have been hard.

  4. Every time I feel like a total loser because all of my friends are on the internet, the internet gives me a reason to be thankful for it; even with all these miles of distance we can be here for you whenever you need and that is always the kind of friend I want to be.

    *HUG*

    Taking that step is scary but nowhere near as scary as letting the monster win. Go you!

  5. A step in the right direction. In fact, you’re half way there.

    I’m very proud of you.

    *huge hugs*

  6. A guest speaker came to my class last week to talk on the topic of resiliency. Something he said came to mind when I was reading this: “Resilient people are able to work in their own behalf.” It was hard, but you did it, Princess. You’ll probably never know how many other people you helped just by speaking out so frankly, too, although doing it just for you would have been reason enough. Well done.

  7. AWESOME. WAY AWESOME.
    You will ALWAYS be proud of yourself for making that call. And we are proud of you, too.

  8. I am glad to hear this. Good for you.

    May I recommend, though — a trip to the psychiatrist is important, but medication without attendant therapy is a dangerous road (rather like therapy without medication is often a fruitless road). If you’re going to be on meds, do everything in your power to see a therapist as well. Even if it’s only once a month. A therapist can tell you if your medication is working usually even better than your psychiatrist can.

  9. Oh i am so glad to read this. I was poised to write you an email just moments ago to see if the doctor had called back. It’s a step. The first step and hopefully the next and the next and the next will just get easier. Big hugs to you. You might not know it, but this is really motivating to me as well. Reading what you write and your comments.

  10. oh, i’m so so so so so proud of you! i don’t know what else to say except that. here’s a million hugs for you too!!

  11. This post makes me so happy. Seriously — this makes my day.

  12. Good for you! Making that call seems to always be the hardest thing for a lot of people, me included.

    P.S. Got your etsy stuff today, love it!

  13. I was hoping for an update ASAP!

    Awesome that you made that call. To me it is like dealing with a nasty credit card debt that you do not want to look at the balance of – so you make a random payment every month HOPING it covers the minimum.

    To finally take over and make the decision to pay the debt head on (or call the doctor) – it is the same kind of cloud lifting away.

  14. this made me cry!

    out of happy-for-you, out of sympathy, gosh, i don’t even know. :)

  15. Hey, didn’t you know everybody else is at least as screwed up as you are? ;) We just hide it like you do.

  16. I love the power of the internet and the kindness of (relative) strangers. We’re all the same on the inside, some of us just try to hide it better than others!

    Great job on the call and the appointment!

  17. I came a little late, and through a back road, apparently, so I missed this post until I reloaded your page, so you’ll understand why my comment on the last thread and the comment on this one are about 4 minutes apart. I just wanted to say congratulations… for being able to do it. Each little step is important, so I’m celebrating for you right now. You must be so proud.

  18. You should be so proud of yourself. It will only get brighter from this point on…

  19. Yay, I’m so proud of you girl. You WILL feel so much better, count on it.

  20. I’m so glad you were able to make that call. Mr. E is great for encouraging you and sitting with you while you made the call. I hope that the appointment goes well and that your new doctor is very caring and compassionate.

  21. Yay! So glad to hear it.

  22. Oh you good, good girl!

  23. That is good news. And I am so impressed with everyone else who commented. You have good friends here. Somehow in the struggle through our own days, we forget that life is hard and when it looks like everyone else is handling it all with ease (raising a child, being married, working, coping with family issues), it turns out…they aren’t! They just hide it better. Good for you for seeking help. Whether therapy or medication, having gone both routes myself, I’d have to say they can both help.

    So happy and proud that you took the (hardest) first step.

  24. yay you! as I told you, that phone call is the hardest and best part. really, you are going to be so glad you did this. we’re all here for you.

  25. I’m so happy you made the call. Hon, that is the hardest part. Things can only look up from here.

  26. You’re a superstar, of course.

  27. I’m so glad you found your cheering section helpful!

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