Mean Mommy

The sinking black cloud of depression has lifted, only to be replaced by a constantly about to boil over sense of irritation.  Occasionally it does indeed boil over, and I am filled with a wretched seething anger that scares the sht out of me.  The kind of anger where I tell myself that maybe if I was not the only one to empty the trash or change the cat litter or load the dishwasher or recycle beer cans or pick up discarded swedish fish wrappers then maybe when I found my husbands sunglasses where he left them on my desk I wouldn’t have the urge to take them out into the front yard and stomp them to smithereens.  Yeah.   Sounds fun, eh?

I feel tired and funny and shaky and odd and I can’t breathe right.  Like I haven’t eaten in days, only I just ate tuna salad and an apple.

I am going to the doctor on Thursday, which is good, because I think I might choose depressed over the boiling rage I’m feeling now.

I had a bright side, but now I can’t remember it.  Oh, the bright side.   Senor Pants just outgrew a huge pile of clothes, so that’s good.  I’ve got a saved episode of One Tree Hill to watch, although Jennie did send me an email last night about it entitled simply SO OVER IT so I’m keeping my hopes low :).   The chandelier I wanted at Pottery Barn sold out yesterday, discouragingly, but I found a (most likely shoddily mass produced in China) exact duplicate on ebay for one quarter of the price, so that’s nice.  I enjoy saving money on my shoddily produced goods.  Eli has started going to bed at 8 oclock with a minimum of screaming, thank freaking lord, and tonight is the opening game of the new NBA season and the Blazers play the Lakers and it’s on TV and everything.

So there are some good things happening.  I just wish I didn’t feel so out of breath all the time. I have no idea if it’s related to my mental state but I really really really feel like I can’t breathe.  So bizarre.  I suppose this is what happens when you wonder if you should get some kind of help for 17 years. Eventually your body has no choice but to really really really shout “yes” in your face.  Metaphorically speaking, of course.

Not on the bright side, there is also this.  This morning Eli woke up before Mr. E left the house and so Mr. E brought him into our bed, where I was still asleep.  And then he had to leave to go to work and Eli lost his shit for about fifteen minutes, and most of the time I don’t care that I am not the favorite, most of the time I don’t care that I am obviously not the fun one and most of the time I am ok with the fact that everything I do is not a game and I am just not wired with fun oozing out my fingertips, that bathtime with me is about getting clean and not about laughing it up, and most of the time I remember that when Senor Pants is sick or hurt or sad I am the one that he wants every single time but this morning, this morning when my son sobbed hysterically at being left with me instead of his father, that just sucked.  Throughout this whole experience I have somehow been protected from feeling like a bad mother, and now I feel that too.

Last week I thought things were going better and I probably didn’t even  realy need a doctor’s appointment.  Not crying every minute felt like major progress.  This week I feel like I want to kill EVERYONE and if I have to be the one to take out an overflowing kitchen trash bag one more time I seriously just might.

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18 Responses

  1. Sometimes I feel like you have a camera in my apartment – and that you are actually writing about what you see happening to me, rather than yourself. I guess the truth is closer to these are experiences that a lot of people share.

    I actually told my husband I was going to punch him in the jaw today – granted, his complete inability to do ANYTHING around the house is frustrating, it doesn’t call for physical violence. Even though I only threatened it.

    So, I’m just trying to say that “I get it.” I can’t offer any solutions – except maybe that we start a new show called “Husband Swap.” :)

  2. Oh, the rage. The rage! I get that, too. I’m never entirely sure why because it all seems so incredibly overwrought.

    The not being able to breathe thing? Sounds like anxiety. I had a few months of that about two years ago, and it came to crescendo one fine morning in the grocery store, at the checkout line, with all three of my kids in the cart in front of me.

    I was seeing spots, and couldn’t breathe, and I felt funny and nothing was making very much sense… it was as if it was all coming in correctly, but I couldn’t produce any intelligent output. I was sure I was having a stroke, so I called my husband and made him leave work to come get us, and then we found someone to watch the kids so he could take me to the ER. (That strikes me as insane now. Help! I’m having a stroke, but wait… We need to find a babysitter for the kids before you take me to the hospital.)

    I wasn’t having a stroke. Rather, it was an anxiety attack. I got a shot of sedatives and that was nice, but still.

    I know where you’re coming from.

  3. I have someone I can point you at with all that anger, I’m just saying.

    I currently feel like I’m drowning. It’s such a cycle, don’t you think?

  4. um, yeah…the seething anger? depression-related. you can also expect things like not being able to focus on things or make decisions or um…focus on things.

    i swear i’ve developed ADD (sadly without the hyperactivity portion, otherwise i might actually get some stuff done) in the last few years, and i attribute it wholly to the depression. and when i can’t make a decision on something as simple as where to go for a no-big-deal dinner on a tuesday night, at least i know it’s not because what if Red Robin really is better than Chili’s, omg??? makes it a bit easier to just pick one already.

    i was surprised to learn all the weird things our minds and bodies do to compensate for different things. i thought if i was depressed then i should be sad only, not also irritable and cranky and grouchy and head-biting-offish and i think you get the idea.

    on the bright side, at least you can be angry at Mr. E for being a litterbug. if there are empty chip bags on the floor of the living room, i have only myself to blame!!

  5. Depression can totally look like anger. Also, the feeling that everyone around you is a moron and they’re moronic ON PURPOSE just to piss you off.

    I kinda think having young kids breeds depression. The combination of not enough sleep, or adult interaction combined with too much worry and hormones is a tough one. Throw in money problems and you’re asking for trouble.

    I’m glad you’re getting help. Three weeks from now you could have a totally different outlook on life. Personally, I swear by Lexapro. It helps me be a nicer mommy during the horrible winter here when all I want to to is crawl in bed and eat doughnuts and yell at anyone who dares to interfere.

  6. I know you don’t need my advice, but naturally I have to add my two cents. For me, anger LEADS TO depression. Anger that is unexpressed or unresolved is the precursor to depression, not the result.

    At any rate, I hope you find some peace soon. xoxo.

  7. Dude, I could have written this exact same post every day for about 2 weeks out of every month. I’m starting to think that I have PMDD because I KNOW it’s hormone related but I can’t do a damn thing to stop it. I feel EXACTLY like you described. I am envious that you are going to the dr. soon – maybe I’ll have to make an appt too. :)

  8. I came back to add, that crying is not because he’s being left with you and you are teh suck. It’s because HE’S LEAVING. If you were the one that was leaving all the time and daddy was the one he was stuck with, it’d be the same.

    Kids always form the strongest attachment to the one that GOES all the time when they are that age. When they get older, it gets better.

    I promise.

    I’m gonna go back to randomly crying now.

  9. I have to agree…the depression and the anger go hand in hand. I can’t tell you how toothpaste in the sink, open cabinets, shoes all un-aligned in the living room, and mouth noises while sleeping can THROW me over the edge. I mean…I am a BEOTCH when these things happen too…and I really don’t want them to bother me so much. And lately? The swearing. In front of the kid even. I really have to temper that.

    I also know that temptation to say “Wait. WHY did I make an appointment with a doctor? I’m fine really.” We’re not. We need to remember that even during the good times, we need help.

  10. My kid? Wants his father more than me, too. It sucks and I hate it most days. He’s too young to realize that I am the one who is the consistent parent, the one who provides the most for him and likely he will not know this until he’s 40.

  11. Oh, sweetie. As the parent who is not the “favorite”, I can relate.

    Sending a super huge hug your way…

  12. Hugs to you, E! Just remember, your son is way too young to think of you as a bad mother… for now. =)

  13. Hang in there, dear. The anger and the breathlessness and the irritability are part of the depression package. As you can see from The Internet, you have lots of folks in your corner. Hugs.

  14. Anxiety+depression.

    Explaining it in a simpler way, you’re sad and scared and completely on edge. Sadness is one of the hardest emotions in the world to deal with — our bodies will do almost anything to keep us away from that feeling. It is much, much easier to be angry, because anger feels like it has a solution (whatever’s making you angry should go away and then you would be fine). So your head wraps your sadness in a protective layer of anger, and you make it through another day.

    I forgot to ask this before, but you are seeing a *psychiatrist*, right, and not just a general practitioner?

  15. I was going to add anxiety to the mix as well. Keep your chin up, you see the doctor soon and should be on the road to feeling better in no time!

  16. I’m not the favorite parent either – aparently, I’m missing the fun dripping off my fingertips, too. I cope by laughing about it when it starts to bug me. Last night, I joked that I wanted a t-shirt that says “Second Choice”. I always tell my son that Second Choice will always take him, and I made up a little song called “Chopped Liver” to the tune of “Moon River” and I sing it when he’s really crying for his dad. It makes us all laugh.

  17. I hope you get some answers, and some good drugs if you want and need them, on Thursday.

    It’s completely normal and rational to get angry about disarray and messiness too, when you’re the one who has to look at it all day and you’re the one that ends up cleaning it up. You are entitled to your rage!

    And I’m the Mean Mommy too. Bathtime is TOTALLY for getting clean.

  18. I am so with you. On everything.

    And I actually started crying at the beach this summer when no one wanted to hold my hand. (I was the one who planned the event, packed all the stuff, and dh just came along) It’s nice to hear others feel the same (although I wish it wasn’t for every one else’s sake).

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