Mental Health Day

This morning I am being extra nice to myself. I made myself an entire pot of coffee, even though I should only drink a cup, and I added sugar to it and some of Eli’s whole milk, which I don’t normally do. I made the good slow cooking irish oatmeal and I let myself put brown sugar on it.  I’m letting Eli eat A & D ointment, even though I should take it away, because it’s keeping him quiet and I just can’t deal with the whining right now.  I’m still in my pajamas and I’m reading blogs instead of playing matchbox cars and taking out the trash.

My doctors appointment is this afternoon and yes I am aware that I am making waaaaaaaay too big of a deal about this, but the whole situation is making me want to hurl every time I think about it.  And I would like to once again register a formal complaint – what a sucky system!  Forcing anxious people to attend anxious making appointments in order to get help with their anxiety!  That’s just flawed design, that’s what that is.  Don’t even get me started on the ramifications of insurance on all this.

Actually, do get me started, because I have something I want to say about insurance and the mental health thing.  Because for a long while Mr. E and I had great health insurance and then at his last job we had terrible insurance, insurance that was so bad that it very quickly put us in rather a lot of debt, insurance so bad that it cost us almost $12,000 to have a baby, insurance so bad that we’d tell people our coverage limit ($1000) and they’d gasp, insurance so bad that we didn’t even realize how bad it was until the bills started coming, and after that terrible terrible insurance which I am very certain many people in this country would give their right arm to have, well.  I will NEVER EVER EVER EVER take good health insurance for granted ever again and every time I have to deal with the insurance we have now, the wonderful, amazing covers everything insurance, every single time I go to the doctor or make an appointment or write out a check for a co pay I say a little prayer of thanks and let me tell you that if you don’t have bad health insurance, you just don’t get it.  But I am here to tell you that you CAN have a PhD and gainful employment and work two jobs and be a smart successful regular old not on welfare American and have ONE child and ONE spouse and no major medical problems and your bad health insurance which is the only health insurance your job offers can sink you into insane amounts of debt in a heartbeat, for things like having a baby or going to the doctor for stitches and if you’ve never been in that place you may not know how scary and stressful and horrible it is.  But I would beg of you to imagine, for a second, what you would do if you had shitty health insurance and then became overwhelmed with crushing anxiety and could find no other out of it other than going to the doctor and yet you could not afford to do so.  If I had sunk into this depression last year, I would have had to simply suck it up and deal.  We would not have been able to afford to send me to the doctor.  Think about that when you vote.  Think about the people, just like me, just the same, except that I got lucky, and they didn’t, and now I get to go to the doctor and they don’t.   Do we really want a health insurance system that runs on luck?

Regardless, I am now terrified that I have written down the time wrong or that I’ll forget my checkbook or my phone won’t work or that the phone call I missed yesterday from my doctor was her calling because my appoimtment was actually Wednesday or god knows what and trust me when I say this is just the kind of thing I would so screw up.  Gah.  I can feel my blood pressure rising at the mere thought of all of this.

Anyway, I just have to get through this afternoon and then there is a salted caramel hot chocolate waiting for me on the other side, and then I have nothing anxious making until Eli’s next doctor appointment in November.  Assuming I can stop my obsessive worrying over the election, the impending cancellation of Lipstick Jungle, and what color I should paint the dining room.

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8 Responses

  1. Three things:

    1) Best of luck at the doctor’s appointment. I’ll be crossing my fingers for you that it goes well (and I’m sure it will go wonderfully).

    — end of actual content of comment —

    2) Everyone is talking about these salted carmel hot chocolates. Are they really that good? Must make a mental note to try one.

    3) Um, what’s this about Lipstick Jungle getting cancelled? Not good.

  2. Just out of curiosity, how much SHOULD it cost to have a baby? I’ve always wondered.

  3. 1) They were probably just calling to confirm. Most offices call the day before to confirm your appt. So if it was actually yesterday, they would’ve called on Tuesday. No worries!

    2) You can do this and you WILL get through this appt.

    3) I wish they would make those in soy so that I could have one, I want one of those SOOOOO bad. William’s Sonoma needs to hurry up and bring their Christmas candies back so I can get some salted caramels already. I think i am going to go leave a comment to Starbucks about leaving out the lactose intolerant on their tasty goodness. Bastards.

    4) We currently have moderately crappy insurance but I am still thankful because it can always be worse.

  4. Those hot chocolates are to die for, aren’t they? Also, thinking of you. Email tonight if you feel up for it.

  5. think i already mentioned it but i’m thinking about you today. i’m sure the appointment will go well PLUS you will be able to celebrate the fact that Step # 1 is DONE! it’s always the worst part, you know.

    also…i’m curious about the salted caramel thingys…are they coffee-ish? or just caramel-ish? but everyone is raving about them so i guess its time for me to get on the freakin’ bandwagon (i’m nothing if not a sucker for food trends!).

  6. I kept almost canceling my appointment after I finally got up the nerve to book it, because I was so nervous about going. I had some leftover Ativan (a tranquilizer) from the last time I went through this stuff, and I took TWO before the appointment, and I STILL had a jittering, shaking, almost-crying voice during the whole thing. I felt WRETCHED. But the doctor took it totally in stride. She asked if this kind of thing (the appointment) made me anxious, and I said YES, YES IT DID. In fact, my original plan was to mention it up front—like, “I’m sorry, I’m probably going to be a total wreck during this appointment: it makes me SO ANXIOUS to be doing this.” But then I was too anxious to say it.

    All this is to say: I feel you, I hear you, and I wish I could help you.

  7. I love that you have planned a reward for when the ordeal is through.

    For what it’s worth, my first appointment with The Doctor was the Turning Point. Thinking of you!

  8. Good luck! I’m thinking of you, hoping everything goes well and that you and your doctor click.

    And… please tell me some more about this salted caramel hot chocolate of which you speak??

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