This morning I am being extra nice to myself. I made myself an entire pot of coffee, even though I should only drink a cup, and I added sugar to it and some of Eli’s whole milk, which I don’t normally do. I made the good slow cooking irish oatmeal and I let myself put brown sugar on it. I’m letting Eli eat A & D ointment, even though I should take it away, because it’s keeping him quiet and I just can’t deal with the whining right now. I’m still in my pajamas and I’m reading blogs instead of playing matchbox cars and taking out the trash.
My doctors appointment is this afternoon and yes I am aware that I am making waaaaaaaay too big of a deal about this, but the whole situation is making me want to hurl every time I think about it. And I would like to once again register a formal complaint – what a sucky system! Forcing anxious people to attend anxious making appointments in order to get help with their anxiety! That’s just flawed design, that’s what that is. Don’t even get me started on the ramifications of insurance on all this.
Actually, do get me started, because I have something I want to say about insurance and the mental health thing. Because for a long while Mr. E and I had great health insurance and then at his last job we had terrible insurance, insurance that was so bad that it very quickly put us in rather a lot of debt, insurance so bad that it cost us almost $12,000 to have a baby, insurance so bad that we’d tell people our coverage limit ($1000) and they’d gasp, insurance so bad that we didn’t even realize how bad it was until the bills started coming, and after that terrible terrible insurance which I am very certain many people in this country would give their right arm to have, well. I will NEVER EVER EVER EVER take good health insurance for granted ever again and every time I have to deal with the insurance we have now, the wonderful, amazing covers everything insurance, every single time I go to the doctor or make an appointment or write out a check for a co pay I say a little prayer of thanks and let me tell you that if you don’t have bad health insurance, you just don’t get it. But I am here to tell you that you CAN have a PhD and gainful employment and work two jobs and be a smart successful regular old not on welfare American and have ONE child and ONE spouse and no major medical problems and your bad health insurance which is the only health insurance your job offers can sink you into insane amounts of debt in a heartbeat, for things like having a baby or going to the doctor for stitches and if you’ve never been in that place you may not know how scary and stressful and horrible it is. But I would beg of you to imagine, for a second, what you would do if you had shitty health insurance and then became overwhelmed with crushing anxiety and could find no other out of it other than going to the doctor and yet you could not afford to do so. If I had sunk into this depression last year, I would have had to simply suck it up and deal. We would not have been able to afford to send me to the doctor. Think about that when you vote. Think about the people, just like me, just the same, except that I got lucky, and they didn’t, and now I get to go to the doctor and they don’t. Do we really want a health insurance system that runs on luck?
Regardless, I am now terrified that I have written down the time wrong or that I’ll forget my checkbook or my phone won’t work or that the phone call I missed yesterday from my doctor was her calling because my appoimtment was actually Wednesday or god knows what and trust me when I say this is just the kind of thing I would so screw up. Gah. I can feel my blood pressure rising at the mere thought of all of this.
Anyway, I just have to get through this afternoon and then there is a salted caramel hot chocolate waiting for me on the other side, and then I have nothing anxious making until Eli’s next doctor appointment in November. Assuming I can stop my obsessive worrying over the election, the impending cancellation of Lipstick Jungle, and what color I should paint the dining room.
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