Unfortunately They Haven’t Yet Invented a Cure for Bitch Itis

I would like you all to know that Mr. E just called his mother to report that I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with a severe case of Bitchitis.

Hee.

Anyway, I did go, although the internet steered me wrong and google gave me the wrong address and I was briefly lost and oh my god the anxiety.  I almost died, literally, the stress was ridiculous.

But it was good. I don’t know if I feel better yet, per se, and it wasn’t exactly like being welcomed into the warm arms of my grandmother, or anything, but the anxiety heart attack I had in the waiting room is over, and I feel enormously enormously enormously relieved.  Now there is a name to the crazy (hint: it’s not bitchitis) and it is not just something I should get over already like a normal reasonable functioning member of society. It isn’t my fault and it isn’t something I can fix on my own if I just try a little harder. It still sucks, but at least I have a plan.  Having a plan really helps.

In two weeks I’m going back to check on things and see about the anxiety, after we get the depression and the rage sorted out.

Thank you, again, to all of you.  Of course I can’t be sure, but I will always believe that if I hadn’t had to post something every day, if I hadn’t had this blog, if I hadn’t been forced to tell a truth I couldn’t take back in a public forum that couldn’t be ignored, if I hadn’t had so many of you tell me so well that you had been there too and that you had my back and that you were there for me, well, I don’t know that I ever would have been able to do this hard thing I had to do, to dig myself out of this pit and ask for help.  I am, and will always remain, eternally grateful.

All day long today and when I was sitting in the doctor’s office and my heart was beating out of my chest and I was trying not to cry or vomit, the same words kept running through my head, something one of my family members sent to me in an email last week, where she said that she was brave and strong when she was at her weakest.  Today, I didn’t feel brave and strong.  I felt weak.  But those words ran through my head, and I told myself that even though it didn’t feel that way, that even though it felt like I might die of nervous, that the fact that I was doing it, doing it anyway, doing it at all, made it true.  Today, I was at my weakest, and I was brave and strong.

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17 Responses

  1. You were, you were! Hooray for you, and hooray for having the strength to get help to climb out of the pit.

    I’ll be thinking of you. :)

  2. Sometimes when we think we are at our weakest, we are at our strongest.

    As they said in my favorite movie (well, it was in High School), Angus:

    Grandpa: Superman isn’t brave.

    Angus: Did you take your pills this morning?

    Grandpa: HeHe. You don’t understand. He’s smart, handsome, even decent. But he’s not brave. No, listen to me. Superman is indestructible, and you can’t be brave if you’re indestructible.

    You’re on your way to being a superhero, honey. Just remember: you tights do not have to match your cape, as long as they both match the belt and kick-ass boots.

    *hugs*

  3. I love those words about being brave and strong when you are at your weakest. I will remember those words, and I will be brave and strong.

  4. amen, sister!! i believe things happen for a reason, and i think you’re right about what if you hadn’t had to post something every day this month, it may never have turned out the way it did. or it may have, but it also may have taken a whole lot longer and things could have been a whole lot worse by the time you got there!

    and a plan is so wonderful, isn’t it?? hooray – i’m so happy for you right now.
    :)

  5. oh, and you know what else…

    when i broke off my wedding engagement earlier this year, i had people tell me what a brave thing that was and how they admired my strength.

    i’ve never EVER thought of myself as strong OR brave, but knowing that other people – and these are people i respect and love – thought i was those things made the sun shine just a little brighter.

    so, that’s my “brave and strong” story. and now you have one too.

  6. you don’t have to feel strong to be strong. sometimes it’s just putting our heads down and finally doing something, just doing it. hugs and terrorist fist jabs to you, E!

  7. So, so proud of you! I can’t imagine how scary that was but you perservered and came through. I hope the sun starts to shine a bit brighter for you soon!

  8. Admitting weakness is the first step towards strength.

  9. Hope you treated yourself to that hot chocolate (I’m having one at lunch today!).

  10. As someone who has lived with people who needed to do what you did, trust me- you are very strong.

  11. I have been where you are, but I don’t think that I managed to go through it with as much grace. Take care, and know that there are so many of us out here rooting for you.

  12. If what you are going through qualifies anyone for bitchhood, it’s a b-i-g sorority we’re in. :-) And I concur with all the comments about your strength. You’re a model for the world.

  13. I am glad that you went and that you have a plan now. I really do think it takes a strong person to take action.

  14. I am incredibly, incredibly proud of you…breathe now, girl…sweet times are ahead.

  15. Wonderful! I’m so glad that you made it to the doctor and got a diagnosis and have a plan. And remember that it may take a while to start to feel better, but eventually you will.

  16. I’m really proud of you. You did it, you got past that first huge awful hurdle, and it only gets better from here. Congratulations!

  17. I am SO late reading this. But I am STILL So proud.

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