I married an axe murderer. Well, not really, but I might as well have. Geez.

Last night because I am a nerd who takes a really long time to get ready for work in the morning, I was picking out my outfit for the next day and forcing Mr. E to give me opinions and he dropped the bomb that he’s never really liked twin sets that much.

Yes, you read that correctly. The man does not like twin sets.

What is this heresy!? How can I be married to this person? I know, I am as horrified as you. Although at first, I was too stunned even to speak. Well, not really, as that has never happened to me, but you know what I mean. I felt as though the very foundations of my world had been shaken! As if this person who said they would love and honor me forever blah blah blah was in fact a total stranger to me! It was horrifying! I don’t know that our relationship can ever fully recover. I told him that where I come from that not liking twin sets was like not liking baseball and apple pie and he might as well say that he hates his MOM and he should just go back to RUSSIA with the other Communists. There is now a gulf between us the likes of which has never been there before, even that time I kissed my brother’s friend in the bathroom on New Year’s accidentally.

Needless to say, today I am wearing a twin set.

I wonder if that’s why they called him Dick?

Last night Mr. E did this whole routine with a certain body part where he pretended it was Richard Nixon. It was kind of traumatic, to be honest. Although probably no more traumatic than it was for him to watch me try to work out to Carmen Electra’s Robot I Mean Aerobic Striptease. Mr. E pointed out that if my body were 85% plastic then maybe I would too have a certain dead (stoned) look in my eyes. Whatever. I doubt I burned off the calories in a stick of carefree gum.

And who says nothing happens in Nebraska?

I’ve been noticing lately in my conversations with friends and family that when they ask me what’s going on, I have absolutely NOTHING to say. I hope this is a commentary on February in Nebraska, and not on me, but I don’t know. Maybe if I think hard enough, I can think of some things that are in fact going on, besides the fact that I am sick of winter and I pretending its over by ordering halter tops from J Crew. Which I will be able to wear in like, August.

So,in no particular order, what is going on with me:

First of all, I saw Hitch with Mr. E and I now have a huge crush on Eva Mendes, or more specifically, her saucy booty!
It’s staying light now much much much later. Which means my only excuse for not running is that my Walkman is broken, and my new one hasn’t arrived in the mail yet.
I bought the shoes of my dreams this weekend, and I am wearing them RIGHT NOW. Pics to come shortly. Mr. E thinks they are the ugliest things he’s ever seen. I will just say that they are very Marissa from the OC and I have already received four compliments on them!!!
I went for an hour bike ride on Sunday even though I hate bike riding and I can’t help but notice that my pants are indeed getting smaller.
I am making Thai Chicken Salad with Chili Lime Dressing for dinner. Yummers.
Mr. E has not gotten a hair cut in like, 3 months and he looks like a dirty bum. Of course I love him anyway.
I declared my hatred for the puppy this weekend. What kind of a person hates a puppy?! A bad mean person like me. Now I miss her and I think I might actually kind of love her.
I read that book “Prep” in one sitting and I can’t stop thinking about it. It really annoyed the crap out of me and MOVED me at the same time.
We ran out of soap this morning in the shower. Which means that Mr. E is probably hairy AND stinky.
We are still on the job hunt to try to get out of here. Every time anyone asks me about it I start to cry.
Those people on the PBS reality show where they try to be pioneers are pissing me off. I so think I could kick their fake pioneer asses. Shut up and bake some damn bread or whatever you pansy ass pioneers!
And in final news, we did not have president’s day off. It’s one of the days we have to work so we can take four days off over christmas. Since I didn’t work president’s day last year, I didn’t get to take it off this year for Christmas. And since I won’t be here for Christmas next year, I won’t get this year’s day back. Somehow this seems unfair.
Also, if anyone knows where I can get that super cute green skirt at J Crew on sale for like, not $88 dollars, let me know.
Thanks!

And you didn’t even ask…

100 Things About Me

1. I bite my fingernails
2. I’m married
3. I have a puppy and a cat
4. I love dark chocolate but won’t bother with milk or white chocolate
5. My favorite tv show of all time was Buffy, followed closely by My So Called Life.
6. I love to shop, especially for shoes.
7. Consequently I spend way too much money.
8. The only thing I love more than shopping is getting a bargain while shopping.
9. I also love to cook.
10. My absolute number one favorite thing to do is read.
11. One of my favorite books of all time is called Youth In Revolt.
12. I absolutely cannot stand Friends reruns, Elton John, or Mitch Albom.
13. Oprah gets on my nerves.
14. I love to watch bad soap operas when I am home sick, especially Days of Our Lives, which I have watched off and on since I was in 5th grade and my nanny got me hooked.
15. I went to Catholic school till I went to college.
16. But I was raised Episcopalian.
17. Consequently I don’t believe in God.
18. I haven’t talked to my dad for over three years when he called to tell me my grandmother had died.
19. Sometimes I really miss him.
20. But I know it’s not my fault he’s not a good parent.
21. My husband is a paleolimnologist.
22. That means he studies mud.
23. I don’t really “do” anything, but I pretend to be an assistant.
24. Whatever I end up doing, I want it to be with books.
25. I also love to read magazines, and cookbooks.
26. I wish I had a record player.
27. I am nervous to have kids. But I think I probably will.
28. I freaking love Madonna.
29. I am very short, but not abnormally so.
30. My little sister has Down Syndrome.
31. I really hate it when people use the word retard or retarded.
32. Picky eaters irritate the crap out me.
33. I am really really anal when it comes to my house being clean.
34. I love summer so much I want to live somewhere where it is never cold. I don’t understand why anyone would want to be cold, ever.
35. I learned to read french before I learned to read English. I don’t remember any French now.
36. Sometimes I get overwhelmed by how much I hate Radiohead.
37. I love to make stuff, like quilts, but I’m impatient, so most of the time my projects turn out sort of half assed.
38. I am named after my grandmother, and I really miss her, and that’s one of the reasons I didn’t change my name when I got married. The other reasons were 1. sexism and 2. spelling
39. Some of my ancestors came over on the Mayflower.
40. I am also related to Benedict Arnold.
41. My favorite flowers are dahlias. I want to try to grow them this summer.
42. I met my best friend in fifth grade gym. She is my ROCK. We are like halves of one person. It’s scary. I love that girl so much it’s kind of crazy.
43. My favorite name in the whole world is Charlotte. Mr. E hates that name. But I am slowly wearing him down.
44. I love foot massages but other than that I don’t really like to be touched.
45. I only really like it when my mom gives me hugs – otherwise, hands off.
46. I have endometriosis, it completely sucks.
47. I’ve been a Red Sox fan since I was eight.
48. I grew up in Portland, Oregon.
49. Therefore I am also a Trailblazers fan, and always will be, even if the whole team is in jail.
50. I adore the NBA.
51. I love history, documentaries, and voice overs.
52. It think it’s awesome when someone talks big and then delivers. But when someone talks up their shit and then doesn’t deliver, it breaks my heart.
53. My dog looks a little bit like a pig. I think it’s cool.
54. I am trying to get back into running. When I was younger, I ran all the time.
55. I don’t have my drivers license. Because I am lazy and driving makes me nervous.
56. Sometimes I wish I lived in the south because their food is just so damn good.
57. The statue of liberty is my favorite thing in New York. I was born there.
58. I don’t like living in Lincoln Nebraska but most of the time I don’t really realize I actually live here.
59. I love tequila and cheap beer.
60. Therefore I think I will have an awesome time in Mexico this year for spring break.
61. I have recently developed a thing for whiskey as well.
62. When I was younger I used to pretend I was one of the Russian princesses killed in the revolution (specifically, Tatiana).
63. When I got married, I wore a tiara.
64 . And yes, I’m kind of a princess.
65. And no, I don’t think that’s a bad thing.
66. And yes, my husband calls me Princess Nebraska. But he also calls me beotch, so I think it evens out.
67. I believe John Travolta to be gay.
68. Dawson’s Creek is one of my favorite guilty pleasures.
69. I also love Pistachio pudding.
70. I believe Twizzlers, cauliflour, and cilantro are satan’s minions here on earth.
71. I don’t understand why people like Ashley Fucking Simpson. At all.
72. Sometimes i feel old and it scares me.
73. I say what’ s on my mind. Sometimes that gets me in trouble.
74. I love romantic comedies.
75. The five men on my “allowed because they are celebrities and hot” list are:
Timothy Hutton, Young Indy/Todd Sparrow from the Color Green, pre bloat/pre lameass Vince Vaughn, Michael Madsen, and Tre Cool from Green Day. Hee.
76. I always put the same songs on mix cd’s.
77. I listen to country music on the radio even though I know it’s terrible.
78. I say “f-er” all the time, instead of fucker.
79. If would gladly eat subway sandwiches and sushi for the rest of my life.
80. Right now I’m going through a pink phase. I do that a lot.
81. Even though all my clothes are gray or black.
82. I’m a big fan of German engineering.
83. I have a fish phobia.
84. I also don’t like sharks, or whales, or dolphins.
85. I believe in sending thank you notes.
86. I love books that make me cry and make me laugh.
87. I am crazy about Pauly Shore.
88. I can’t help it.
89. Also, when I see people get hurt on tv, it makes me laugh.
90. Therefore, I am a bad person.
91. I have a jacket fetish. Which pales in comparison to my husband’s jacket fetish.
92. I still sleep with my baby blanket. And no, my husband does not care, and no, I’m not going to keep it in my bedside table, and no, I’m not going to cut a tiny piece of out of it and throw the rest away.
93. I love bubble gum.
94. I have cow manure in my blood.
95. I think pets should always be mutts or strays.
96. I’m pro choice, and always will be. And I vote.
97. I’m also a hard core Democrat. And I’m proud!
98. I believe if you’re an american, you should have the same rights as all other americans. If you don’t, well, then, this isn’t really america anymore, is it?
99. When I’m in love, I feel like I’m gonna barf.
100. Even though he’s pissing me off right now, I love my husband more than anything in the world.

BEEFY

Am I the only one that sees the horrifying juxtaposition between this hamburger – which is currently on an actual menu here in Nebraska, and this recent headline on CNN:
“Massive cow manure mound burns for third month” ???

Does anyone really care about the weather in Nebraska?

I didn’t think so. Therefore I will now talk about things of more general interest. Such as the fact that I am having people over for dinner this weekend. One of whom does not eat anything but chicken, and the other who is allergic to chicken. For christ’s sake people! How can you be this picky and have made to the age of 28? Although i realize that being allergic is not the same as being picky, it is still annoying to me, and therefore is super uncool anyway. So ha! My children will not be allowed to be picky or be allergic to anything. I have just ensured having five children all who will eat nothing but Cheerios and Pez. Awesome.

In other news, today in my office I entered an alternate universe where everyone around me loved Elton John, Billy Joel, and Riverdance. Mr. E suggested they might also enjoy some dinner theater, or dinner theater on a boat. I suggested we all meet in the parking lot in our cameros. After that suggestion they all gave me funny looks. Luckily I had to leave at five. Otherwise I am sure someone would have started playing the number one worst song of all time (jack and diane) and clapping along.

The only other thing I have to say is that I am saving up for a mini Ipod and I can’t decide if I should just save up another $50 and get the regular IPOD or if maybe I really even want a mini more. Also I am now going to make a belt out of soda can tabs and if it turns out I will post some pics.

Jealous? I thought so. FYI it takes a really long time to save up that many soda can tabs, and also it hurts your fingers a lot to pry them off so I don’t recommend it.

Kissy Face

Last night as I was taking a bath I asked Mr. E if he ever played Kissy Face when he was little. Where you run around and chase boys and yell “kissy face” while trying to catch them so you can kiss them. Apparently not everyone was as, uh, predatory as the girls in my second grade class, as he had no idea what I was talking about. As he had never heard of it, and I think he was kind of scared actually. Maybe later on I will chase him around and try to kiss him. If he’s lucky, that is.