Goals

I’m not gonna wait for the new year to list out my goals. Here they are:
1. Lose ten or fifteen pounds, depending on what the scale says on Friday.
2. Decide that maybe I don’t need to lose ten or fifteen pounds, and learn how to love my body right now.
3. Figure out a good middle ground between 1 and 2.
4. Run a half marathon
5. Run a half marathon in under two hours.
6. Learn to drive
7. Cook – craft – write – blog. Which means, specifically:
decorate my house, upholster my old chairs I have sitting around, take pictures, frame pictures or post them on my blog, cook and write about it, create art, and work on maybe maybe writing a book. In short, I used to spend a lot of time just listening to music and making stuff, and I miss it. So I want to do that again.

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On Your Marks…

Yesterday was my first day of half marathon training! I’m excited – I love having a goal to work towards.
Today it’s snowing. Also exciting. I LOVE the first snow of the year.

From New York Times…

While reading this lengthy article today (part of it is below) I recognized myself in the description of the blood sugar crash. It happened to me the other day. I wish I had spent more time thinking about what I had eaten prior to the crashing. I guess it’s time to start. Although for the most part, I do think I eat very much like the diet described here (towards the bottom). I do count calories, but I also eat lots of protein, lots of veggies, don’t worry much about fat, and I choose carbs last. And when I do I try to choose whole grains.

In my opinion this is the only way to eat, but I only achieved it through trial and error. Essentially it ended up being the only way I could eat my allotted calories AND get full.

Don’t get me wrong, I do eat junk too. But my point is that I no longer believe a bagel is better for me than peanut butter. In fact, I do remember that I ate a tablespoon of peanut butter afterwards and felt better right away.

Note to self: Listen up! This is you!

David Ludwig, the Harvard endocrinologist, says that it’s the direct effect of insulin on blood sugar that does the trick. He notes that when diabetics get too much insulin, their blood sugar drops and they get ravenously hungry. They gain weight because they eat more, and the insulin promotes fat deposition. The same happens with lab animals. This, he says, is effectively what happens when we eat carbohydrates — in particular sugar and starches like potatoes and rice, or anything made from flour, like a slice of white bread. These are known in the jargon as high-glycemic-index carbohydrates, which means they are absorbed quickly into the blood. As a result, they cause a spike of blood sugar and a surge of insulin within minutes. The resulting rush of insulin stores the blood sugar away and a few hours later, your blood sugar is lower than it was before you ate. As Ludwig explains, your body effectively thinks it has run out of fuel, but the insulin is still high enough to prevent you from burning your own fat. The result is hunger and a craving for more carbohydrates. It’s another vicious circle, and another situation ripe for obesity.
The gist of the glycemic-index idea is that the longer it takes the carbohydrates to be digested, the lesser the impact on blood sugar and insulin and the healthier the food. Those foods with the highest rating on the glycemic index are some simple sugars, starches and anything made from flour. Green vegetables, beans and whole grains cause a much slower rise in blood sugar because they have fiber, a nondigestible carbohydrate, which slows down digestion and lowers the glycemic index. Protein and fat serve the same purpose, which implies that eating fat can be beneficial, a notion that is still unacceptable.

At Ludwig’s pediatric obesity clinic, he has been prescribing low-glycemic-index diets to children and adolescents for five years now. He does not recommend the Atkins diet because he says he believes such a very low carbohydrate approach is unnecessarily restrictive; instead, he tells his patients to effectively replace refined carbohydrates and starches with vegetables, legumes and fruit. This makes a low-glycemic-index diet consistent with dietary common sense, albeit in a higher-fat kind of way. His clinic now has a nine-month waiting list.

From Mr. E. It made me giggle. Hee.

1. What time did you get up this morning?
7:39

2. Diamonds or pearls?
Diamonds, duh.

3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema?
Shopgirl

4. What is your favorite TV show?
The Redshoe Diaries, on Skinemax.

5. What did you have for breakfast?
Kisses from my schnound.

6. What is your middle name?
“long-dong of the law”

7. What is your favorite cuisine?
Japanese? Maybe…

8. What foods do you dislike?
Anything in the gourd family, along with selected tubers.

9. Your favorite Potato chip?
Beef Jerkey Chips. Technically, not a potato, but still a chip.

10. What is your favorite CD at the moment?
Either Beulah: The coast is never clear, or The New Pornographers: Twin Cinema

11. What kind of car do you drive?
A 98 jetta.

12. Favorite sandwich?
knuckle. No, just kidding ha ha I’m funny! a provalone and tomato on rye.

13. What elements in people do you despise?
Lithium, barium, and especially zinc.

14. Favorite item of clothing?
My T-shirt that says “Accordian players squeeze better.” And no, I’m not making that up.

15. Where in the world on vacation would you go?
Iceland, Alaska, New Zealand, Australia, and of course, Funkytown.

16. What color is your bathroom?
The off-white of your typical rental house.

17. Favorite brand of clothing?
International Male.

18. Where would you want to retire to?
I dunno… but I plan on retiring to the bathroom for quite a while this evening.

19. Favorite time of day?
The Gloaming. That’s “Twilight” for all you ignorami out there.

20. Where were you born?
Escanaba, in the moonlight. Yes, really.

21. Favorite sport to watch?
Hardcore pornography. It is too a sport!!! No, just kidding. How about curling?

22. Who do you least expect to send this back?
all of the above

23. Person you expect to send it back first?
No one?

24. What laundry detergent do you use?
I don’t remember such inanities. It’s generic, hypoallergenic, dye and perfume free (gotta save the lil’ swimmers, you know — too much estrogenators are bad for the reproductive system).

25. Coke or Pepsi?
Fresca! No, pepsi.

26. Are you a morning person or night owl?
Night owl.

27. What size shoe do you wear?
It depends. New balance = 13. Reebok = 14. Nike = 15 or higher. And, no, I’m not making that up.

28. Do you own any pets?
Annabelle, my dog. She’s a schnound (Schnauzer-hound) and Gravey the cat. And, of course, my trouser snake.

29. Any new and exciting news you’d like to share with everyone?
No. I live in NE. Nothing’s exciting here… except for… no, nothing. sorry.

30. What did you want to be when you were little?
Someone who looks at rocks or studies animals.

31. Favorite Candy Bar?
Nut logs.

32. What is your best childhood memory?
One time, my parents spent the whole day with just me. We went out to dinner, they bought me a toy at the toy store, and then when we came home they read me a story before tucking me into bed, where I dreampt of a future full of possibilities and promise.

That, or the time I got my picture taken with Spiderman at the mall.

33. What are the different jobs you have had in your life?
Janitor, park ranger, research assistant, graduate teaching assistant, research scientist, and “Elizabeth’s man-bitch.”

34. What colour underwear are you wearing?
Wearing underwear???

35. Nicknames:
Chief, Boss.

36. Piercing?
No.

37. Eye colour?
Blue

38. Ever been to Africa?
No. But I’ve touched the rains…

39. Ever been toilet papering?
Yes.

40. Love someone so much it made you cry?
God, I hate this question. What does it even mean. ANd it’s always on these things. Let’s just answer sure. Usually, when I got the restraining order mandating a minimum 1-mile separation between me and my love.

41. Been in a car accident?
Several, but never when I was driving.

42. Croutons or bacon bits?
Croutons.

43. Favourite day of the week?
Sunday, cuz that’s my fun day. Not another have to run day.

44. Favourite restaurant?
Piezanos pizza.

45. Favourite flower?
The trillium.

46. Favorite ice cream?
Breyers strawberry

47. Disney or Warner Brothers?
WB — for having such an awesome Tuesday thru Thursday line up of Gilmore Girls, Everwood, and one other show.

48. Favorite fast food restaurant?
McDonalds. “Now with less semen!”

49. What color is your bedroom carpet?
Schnound puke.

50. How many times did you fail your driver’s test?
Zero.

51. Before this one, from whom did you get your last e-mail?
Mr. Ugambe Smith, Former assistant to the president of the Peoples republic of the Congo, offering me a chance to help him launder 26 million dollars.

52. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card?
The Apple Store

53. What do you do most often when you are bored?
Cry

54. Bedtime?
When my wife tells me it’s time.

55. Who are you most curious about their responses to this questionnaire?
Dutch.

56. Last person you went to dinner with?
Well, two of Elizabeth’s co workers. It was traumatic on numerous levels.

58. What are you listening to right now?
Head like a hole, by NIN

59. What is your favorite colour?
Blue

60. Lake, ocean or river?
Lake. Duh.

61. How many tattoos do you have?
0

62. Which came first, the chicken or the egg?
Egg, because if you wanna get scientific, dinosaurs laid eggs long before any chickens came into existence. <– yes, but then, it’s parents had to have had sex, so, one of them “came” first. Usually the guy…

63. How many people are you sending this Email to?
3

64. Time you finished this email?
11:48 am

Is it wrong…

that the Christmas stuff at Starbucks makes me so darn happy? Something about those red cups makes me want to do a little dance. And I don’t even LIKE Christmas.
Weird.

In my book…

if you drink flavored coffee and describe yourself to others as a “coffee snob”, what you ACTUALLY are is an asshole. If you do it while eating an overripe banana, you’re a double asshole. And also, shut up.
Thank you.

Revelations

The other day Mr. E and I were walking into the mall because I had become obsessed with this corduroy jacket I had tried on at American Eagle and so after thinking about how cute it was and how much it would make me look like a Harvard undergrad I had to back and buy it and as we were walking in I caught sight of myself in the window of a restaurant. And in that instance of seeing and recognizing the me that I am now I was overcome with this feeling that I think has been creeping up on me for some time. Instead of being proud of myself for losing 60 pounds, I’m mad at myself for letting my weight get so out of hand that I had to expend such an enormous effort, such an enormous amount of energy, simply to get myself back to “normal”, back to a reasonable center. In some sense my achievement is only admirable if you know what I weighed before. I’ve worked SO SO SO hard, and my reward is to be REGULAR.
Sometimes I wonder what I could have accomplished if only I hadn’t had sixty pounds to lose. Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve to be proud of correcting something that I fucked up so totally and completely in the first place. And sometimes I feel like I’m going to wake up one morning and be fat all over again – as if all of this has been a dream. I feel totally insecure in my size 4’ness.
I know time will heal a lot of this. But the me now needs to think harder about if I want to be proud of losing sixty pounds because I want people to give me accolades and tell me I’m skinny, or I want to be proud of the fact that I can run seven miles and I have leg muscles now and I eat healthy and I’m not ashamed of what I look like anymore.