I couldn’t fall asleep last night and I started wondering what I should blog about – besides rambling on about Entourage. I know I said I have NOTHING on my mind right now but the truth is this is one of those times when I only have one thing on my mind and it’s something I wish I wasn’t thinking about so I tried ignoring it for awhile and pretending it wasn’t there but that’s completely not working, so here it is.
The truth is I feel fat. Right now I feel really fat. And for me, at least, I kind of am fat.
I am not sure how exactly how much I weighed when I gave birth but pretty much, I’ve gained weight since I gave birth. It’s rotten. I hate thinking about food all the time and I hate being stressed about what I look like when I worked for so long and so very very hard to be thin. I hate it. I really hate that none of my clothes fit me and that eve the things that do fit are all bunchy and too tight and unattractive. I hate the tightness of things and the shortness of things and pulling things down and hitching things up.
Even thinking about this stresses me out so intensely. I hate that I am right back here again. And please don’t tell me that I have nine months to lose it or that I got a baby out of the deal. I know all that. I do. It doesn’t change the fact that I have ONE pair of pants that fit me and a closet full of size 4 clothes and that I weighed 156 pounds when I gave birth and I weigh 149 pounds now and that I just spend two years working my ass off to lose all that weight and now it’s right back on and this feels really hard and really awful and it’s making me feel panicked. I worked harder than I ever have in my life to not feel gross in a pair of shorts and now I can’t even look at those shorts. Thinking about shorts and my thighs makes me want to throw up, I’m so stressed out it. That’s got to stop, I think.
So. I don’t want to have to buy new clothes. And I don’t want to feel stressed or panicky or fat any more. I don’t want to look down and see rolls. I don’t want to have to fidget with my t shirts. I want to spend some of my summer wearing shorts instead of elastic waisted pajama pants. And I also don’t want to hide the fact that I had a baby and I gained weight and I’m having a lot of trouble with that.
My goal is simple. I want to lose enough weight to fit back into all my clothes. At the same time, when I get there, I want something else I never had before. I want to feel ok about myself. I want to feel enough. I want to feel like I am attractive and I am the right size. I don’t want to wish I weighed five less pounds for the rest of my life.
I’m signing back up with Weight Watchers online. Right now, I think. I was going to wait until Tuesday but I think I have to do it now. I’m going a little crazy and I need something to help me, kind of right now.
I’ve got some new challenges that are scaring me this time around. I’m lucky because I know I can do this, I did it once before. But I also know how hard it is because I already had to do it once. And now I’m also stressed out and bored and really really hungry (from breastfeeding), which for me is a deadly combination. When I am bored and stressed and hungry AND there are ice cream bars in the freezer, look out. All I can think is that it’s just gonna have to be hardcore for a bit. We might just have to buy not buy any freaking ice cream bars for awhile.