Can you believe I’m home alone blogging about farts on a Friday night? Am SUCH huge loser.
Anyway, does everyone’s baby fart a lot or is it just mine? I mean, is that a baby thing, or an Eli thing? It’s interesting because I have NO idea which things are baby things and which things are unique to Eli – since I just have him. Sometimes I’ll ask my mom about it and she always says that all babies are unique and have distinct personality traits but when asked to identify any (say, mine) she can’t.
Did you know that if you google tofu + gas you get a whole shitload of hits about the pressing tofu gas problem and how if someone could just find a solution to this problem tofu would then be free to fulfill its true destiny and take over the world? I never even knew that this was what was causing certain issues that I might or might not have been having until the internet told me that indeed, many many many people have”problems” with tofu. So we need to invent the fart free soybean and then we’ll be rich. I say this also because I had TWO morningstar veggie corn dogs for lunch and I suspect that we’ll all regret that decision in the not too distant future. Also, do you think if you eat things that make you toot, those same things will make your baby toot, or no? I have actually wondered this for quite some time, we should do a study.
Besides the fart free tofu, I have also recently thought of two other million dollar making enterprises, and I actually kind of hope someone steals these ideas and invents them, because that’s how badly I want them in my life. The first is a button that you stick on your baby, say under their diaper or something, that when pressed makes realistic crying noises. Say you’re at a terrible work event having awkward family time and it would be a very convenient time for junior to want to go home but he’s unhelpfully happy as a clam, you just sureptitiously press the button, and voila! Crying baby noise, and what do you know, you have to go home! I can imagine SO VERY MANY SITUATIONS where this would come in SO VERY handy (ie every event involving my parents ever and also the super sketchy garage sale we had to feign interest in last weekend when really as soon as we got close enough to see what was on offer we wanted to run run run away as fast as we could).
My second million dollar invention revolves around this item:
Eli has one of these things, he loves it. He scoots all over the house in it while I do whatever, it’s been a total lifesaver. So my question is, why does this damn thing not have a Swiffer attached to the back of it? The children could clean the house and not even know it! Pure Genius, I tell you. Someone please invent this so I can stop sweeping my house.
Apropos of nothing, Mr . E is right in the middle of taking some monster huge work geology certifying super expensive two day nightmare test thingee, and don’t get me wrong, it sounds tres awful, however, this event has also really put a damper on my life in general and has also meant he is not here to make me pancakes and also to watch le babee while I import my nine thousand blog links into my new and lovely wordpress blogroll. So very inconsiderate of him. I had to make scrambled eggs for dinner all by myself and while they were very delicious with their smoked gouda and their tasty bits of lox and their sour cream softness, it was still a really very depressing Friday night eating eggs alone for dinner kind of moment.
Although, here, let’s end on a good note for a change. Tonight when I was cooking dinner Eli was scooting around the kitchen floor and then he grabbed the bottom of my pants leg and held on and squealed in delight as I walked and dragged him around the kitchen on his tummy. I swear I can remember doing that when I was a kid and it just seems like such a kid thing to do, doesn’t it? And all of a sudden, whoomp, there it was: I’m a mom. I mean, I’ve obviously been a mom since moment one of Eli, I know this, but this was just such a kid moment, not a baby moment, if that makes sense. It was a really good moment, and I grinned at no body in particular and thought man, sometimes it’s so fun being a mom, and here i am, being one. Friday night scrambled eggs and all.