Non Fat

Tuesday Afternoon.

We take Eli to the pediatrician for his nine month weight check. I am nervous. The weight checks always make me nervous. Mr. E tells me it will be fine, it’s always fine.

This time it is not fine. Eli’s weight has fallen in the percentiles, from 25% to 5%. This freaks them out. It freaks me out.

I try to be honest with Eli’s doctor but her questions about breastfeeding sound suspicious. I feel defensive. I don’t say that the internet tells me that pumping output isn’t a good indicator of supply. I don’t say what sounds funny on my blog: “Eli doesn’t sit and he doesn’t breastfeed because he thinks sitting and eating are for boring losers and he has better things to do.” I don’t have the balls to bring up the WHO weight charts. I don’t argue. I am sheepish. I feel like a bad advocate for my son.

Our doctor frowns and hems. She isn’t happy. She gives us two cans of formula and a photocopied sheet on foods for weight gain. She tells us to butter everything.

Eli gets a flu shot – he can’t get sick and lose any more weight, they say.

Mr. E and I stop at the store on the way home and overdraft our bank account buying raisin bread and Guinness and 4% yogurt and fish sticks and anything fattening we think Eli might eat or that might increase my milk supply.

I come home and eat two chocolate chip cookies, a package of chocolate covered donuts, and a slice of chocolate cake. I make peanut butter cookies and eat the dough, raw.

I call Mr. E’s mom and tell her I am starving her grandchild. She tells me that Mr. E looked just like Eli when he was little. I don’t tell her how scary it was in the doctor’s office, how serious they seemed.

Wednesday morning.

I feed Eli his oatmeal mixed with formula and I feel commonplace and small – for nine months I’ve said I just didn’t want to feed him formula – I’d breastfeed him as long as I had to, I just didn’t want to give him formula.

I wonder when I first failed – when I took a stand that made no sense, rooted in stubborness I should learn to live without, or when I took the can of formula and didn’t argue, or that morning when I fed it to my son for the first time?

I slather raisin bread with butter and feed it to Eli, bits at a time. I mash up half an avocado and cut up fish sticks and wave them in the air to cool them. I can’t help but notice that thickly buttered raisin bread is delicious. Fish sticks are delicious. I love avocado, even just plain, in fat chunks, scooped from a half.

I can see Eli growing fatter before my eyes. Maybe I am not a total failure of a mother, after all. I wonder if I’ve doomed him to a life of morbid obesity.

Eli starts to feel warm. Then warmer. I feed him his favorite food, infant Tylenol. He is hot to the touch, and then hotter.

He nurses nurses nurses (maybe I am not a failure! All this Guiness is working!), then sleeps. I try to relax in front of Project Runway and a slab of cake.

Screaming. Eli is hotter. More Tylenol.

Hotter still. More screaming. He is growing hoarse. He screams so intensely his arms shake. He throws up. I cannot put him down.

My arms are giving out from the holding. I start to panic.

Mr. E calls the emergency room. His voice shakes. They tell us to give Eli Motrin. We wonder why no one ever mentioned this before – we don’t have any Motrin. Mr. E drives to Walmart and further overdrafts our account buying children’s motrin. We don’t have a dosage spoon. We have nothing we should have. We feed him motrin from the infant tylenol dropper.

His fever breaks. He still doesn’t sleep. We are up all night.

Thursday morning.

We drag ourselves out of bed at 9 am.

I mix more oatmeal and formula. Butter more raisin bread.

I microwave my every morning breakfast of instant oatmeal and craisins. It sits and congeals while I try to cajole my son into eating something, anything, buttered whatever. He isn’t interested.

I return to my cold emulsified oatmeal, and I can’t do it this morning.

Instead I eat two slices of buttered raisin bread, in two bites.

Later, I step on the scale. I have gained five pounds.

(At least one of us is gaining weight.)

Baby’s First Christmas Wish List*

*Please note, I am not buying him all this stuff, I’m not made of money, but some it we already have, some of it I’m getting on Ebay, and some of it my mom or other relatives are buying.

Hanna Andersson Velvet Overalls

Obviously Eli needs to wear these when he goes to see Santa for the first time.


Hanna Andersson Christmas Zippers

Call me crazy but I just can’t help but see Eli sitting in front of the Christmas tree in these on Christmas morning. I wanted the reverse colors (green stripes with red cuffs) but they were sold out. I bought these on Ebay because awesome quality aside, I couldn’t wrap my brain around spending $40 for baby christmas pajamas.


Pottery Barn Organic One Piece

I think this is the cutest thing ever, and I want to get Eli something with his name on it, but I can’t figure out how to order the monogram with the dragonfly below it like the kid in the picture so right now I’m too annoyed to order it. I guess I could email them.


Gap Adored Onesie

I like this because well, my child is adored like you would not believe, and besides, half the profits go to something besides total corporate greed, so that’s good.


Chuck Taylors

Horrifyingly, it appears the boy will be walking soon, and he will need some shoes. These are pretty kick ass, you have to admit. Also, it is a scientific fact that there is nothing cuter on earth than baby shoes.


The Bilibo.

I love this toy. I’ve wanted to buy it for a kid since the moment I first saw it, in all its yuppie unstructured what is it free play glory. And now I’m buying it for my kid. How fun. I wish they made a grown up one.


I am buying almost all of our wood toys from Plan Toys because the prices are less exorbitant than the stuff from Haba or Brio, and they have a simplicity to them that I really love

wooden pull toy from Plan Toys.


small wooden cars


this fun poundy thing from Plan Toys


plain wooden blocks from Plan Toys


a cone sorter from Plan Toys


Alphabet Stacking Cubes


A Hat From Etsy.


Apple Piggy Bank from Vilac. Love.


The Radio Flyer. Eli might a little young for this but it just seems like such a quintessential Christmas present that I had to throw it on the list. I remember pulling my sister around in this when we were kids. Too bad I can’t just have that wagon back.



I am telling anyone who asks what Eli wants for Christmas that he wants books, but I think I am also going to get him a bunch “used” from Amazon. This is really a selfish present because I want to be able to read him the books I loved from when I was a kid.


a baby walker


I Took This Picture Because I Never Want To Forget This Neck


My Christmas Wish List

Striped Rain Boots from the Gap.

I have been looking for rain boots for ages, and they’ve had them at Target forever, but they were never the ones, if you know what I mean. Then I saw these and it was love at first sight. I love stripes. Also, if you happen to be married to me, please note that I have a coupon code for 30% off anything from the Gap between November 30th and December 3rd.


a new lens for my camera

I picked this lens because I wanted something that would shoot little fast moving kids in low light well, so I can take pictures of Eli inside my DARK ASS house. The camera people tell me this is the lens for that.

Tarte mascara and Benefit Benetint.

I have this Benetint stuff already and I adore it but it’s almost gone and it’s in one of those little pots. I really hate putting on lip stuff with my finger so I am hoping for the other version. And I have been using Maybelline’s Great Lash mascara for years and I think it’s time to call that bluff. It’s just so…clumpy. Is it really as great as everyone claims it is? I dare to say no. If you are married to me, please also note I have a 20% off coupon for Sephora.

A snowflake votive holder.

I just adore this, and it’s only $7.95! Sadly it’s no longer available online at Crate and Barrel, but should any husbands of mine be wandering around and see and Crate and Barrel and just happen to buy this for me, I wouldn’t object. I should have just bought one in Portland. Oh well.


Mrs. Meyer’s Gingerbread Cleaner.

Since Eli arrived, we’ve been trying to be more “natural” and have less toxic chemicals lying around the house. I love Mrs. Meyers stuff and for some reason the idea of gingerbread scented cleaner really does it for me. And I adore the little tote packaging. I am a total sucker for cute packaging.


American Eagle fleece pants.

I’ve been wearing the same pair of gray fleece Old Navy yoga pants for a shockingly long time. Like, seven years. And now they have a hole in one knee and some red paint on the leg and it’s sad but buying a new pair is  going to seriously class up my day to day wardrobe.  I think I’m going to get red, just because I can, and because worrying that a pair of red fleece pants are too loud just makes me sad.


A microplane foot file.

I have the microplane kitchen graters and they rule my world. This is for feet. Gross, but I bet it works.

a basket to hold blankets.

It’s really cold in Eli’s room, so I hate going in there to feed him. I need a cute basket to put next to the rocking chair so I can reach down and grab a blanket when I am feeding him at night. Or he could sleep through the night. Hear that, kid?  That’s what I really want for Christmas.  Anyway, there was a cute vintage yellow wire basket at an antique store in town that I really liked.

Philosophy Makeup Optional Kit.  I love Philosophy, I love kits, and I really want to try out some more of this line. I can’t afford to buy myself all of this stuff at once so I asked my brother for this kit for christmas. He loves nothing better than to buy you exactly what you want over the internet so it works out for both of us.


J Crew ballet flats. I won’t lie, as a shortish type person, I am dubious of the ballet flat.  Flats tend to give me really bad posture. But I did once try on some super expensive blue velvet Kate Spade ballet flats and they rocked.  And I have heard that the J Crew ballet flats are the bomb.  And if ever want baby number two and have to be pregnant again it would be nice to have to some shoes that I don’t have to tie.  And if they suck and I have to return them, I am sure that I can force myself to find some old thing at J Crew in exchange.  Also, plaid. Enough said.

I think I might ask my mom for these. She shares the love of shoes. Then again she might not ask me what I want, in which case the January Fairy might be bringing me these, instead of Santa.


a long handled duster. Please note, am short, and I hate cobwebs. I will probably ask my step father for this – he really enjoys giving the practical gift.


fancy soap from Etsy.I just love to read the descriptions.  Plus it all looks so cool. And how fun to have this in your shower instead of boring old Ivory?


Birds for my bird collection – which I am selfishly not linking to because I think there’s just one and I want it.

Pureology Volume shampoo. I have been longing for some overpriced shampoo for quite some time, and since this is the year of taking better care of myself, this is what I am asking for from my sil. (We draw names, she asked what I wanted. She rules).

heart shaped earrings.   Also not linking to as they are one of a kind.

Brandi Carlile CD. I have The Story and I love it. Also, is this her on the cover? She looks so surly. I like.


a cavallini calendar. I waited too long to buy this last year and then it was out of stock, and I thought of it bitterly at the beginning of every month when I had to print out my stupid Google calendar.


a lens cleaner. My lens is already filthy, thanks to one very grabby sticky handed baby I am always taking pictures of.


striped knee socks. I need these to wear with my striped rain boots. Duh.

Confidential to Mr. E: They have these at the Gap, but they are not online yet.

What are your Christmas wishes this year? (Other than peace love and happiness.) If you are getting shoes, I want to hear about it!


Just a quick note to say I’m not dead, we were on a little trip up north, but we are back.

I drank gallons of Starbucks and restocked Eli’s wardrobe at the Gymboree outlet and I had my first facial which was awesome and so relaxing it should be illegal and my brussels sprouts and stuffing were both super delicious so I would say the trip was a success.  Although last night on the drive home Eli did earn the nickname “Salmon Butt” and I think it’s safe to say there is a McDonald’s bathroom in Medford, Oregon that may never be the same again.

I wish it was December 1st, the dregs of November are getting on my nerves. Is it too early to post Christmas lists?

Also, my child is teething again, stands up in the bathtub, and still won’t sit.  He’s just not a sitter, I guess.  Luckily for him his father is a jedi master in the art of laziness, so maybe he can be taught.

Breaking News

Mr. E just emailed me with the shocking news that Starbucks has RECALLED the sugar-free gingerbread latte syrup.

I do not know why.

He said that the woman behind him tried to get
one and the lady was all “sorry, that’s been recalled”.  The lady who
tried to order one was like “uh, what???” like she was all worried and
shit and she goes “why did they recall it?” with her voice kind of
quavering and shit.  THe barista just said “oh, I don’t know, they just
called and asked for it back!”

Intriguing, yes?

I tried to look online and find out why and I couldn’t find anything.

I’m sort of freaked out that I drank two, but after the last one I had I decided that they well and truly tasted like ass and I’d rather just have the regular latte with one pump of the syrup like I always order the pumpkin spice latte.

If anyone finds out what happened let me know!


My glorious chubby darling magnificent almost walking! son turned nine months old on Saturday.


It has taken every day of those nine months but now the drowning feeling has ebbed and I can breathe again and now I like to think that we have begun to find real joy in each other, my son and I.  We dance around the house together and laugh and chase the cat and I can’t go five seconds without seeing those blue eyes or those chubby cheeks and stopping to give him big kisses on the top of his soft perfect little head. I am starting to think this is a most wonderful adventure we are having together, this little family of mine. I call Mr. E and I tell him that the word “bummer” makes Eli break into belly laughs, all over body cackles. His smile breaks my heart with its gorgeousness. It is my most best thing. It’s christmas lights and first snow and kicking through crunchy fall leaves like in the movies and cinnamon gum and the ocean and the grand canyon and all the magic I thought I might never find in this small life of mine rolled into one amazing gummy two toothed smile. As soon as I see that smile I need to see it again. It’s like crack. I can never get enough.


It is a riotous joy to be Eli’s mother these days.


I am getting better at this.  Eli is getting older, becoming a real person, someone fun to pass the time with.  I am trying to take better care of myself. I am running, some of my pants actually fit, whipped cream and all, my supply of fancy face stuff is growing, I bought some over priced mascara.  And Mr. E responded to my passive aggressive blog challenge in stupendous fashion and woke me with a latte on Saturday morning and made me a surprise hair appointment and looked at Christmas cards online with me and went with me to Target and did not say anything when I got a t shirt AND a sweatshirt AND a wrap dress I don’t need and have no occasion to wear AND a silver bird.  And let me tell you that wrap dress looks damn hot with my haircut and my black boots.  


So. Just this:


Happy Thanksgiving to you all.  And thank you, thank you, thank you, to those of you who listened to me when I just needed to be miserable. To those of you who told me not to bring pictures of Katie Holmes with me to the hair salon.  To those of you reminded me it was ok to say that this is really hard.  To those of you who said “me too, sister, me too.” To those of you who said “you CAN do it”. To those of you who made me keep running when I wanted to quit. To those of you who inspired me, and emailed me, had faith in me, and reminded me to take a deep breath. Thank you.  You are what I am thankful for this year.


*Sorry for the terrible picture, I took this with my web cam, but there were requests for pics of the hair cut, and I am nothing if not a people pleaser.