I really thought about clever funny ways of telling this story and by really thought I mean I briefly considered some kind of hysterical witty snarky timeline thingee and it just seemed like too much effort to get into all of that at this precise moment.

But here’s something funny. My whole house reeks of Nature’s Miracle. Also, did you know that you can’t buy a couch in this desolate burg for love or money? Actually, that’s not really true. If I wanted a couch to match my cowboy lamp, I would have many many options available to me in Redding, California. (I do not own a cowboy lamp.)

You might be asking yourself what all this has to do with the price of bananas. You may have figured it out if you are a pet owner. In case you didn’t, let me explain.

On Friday, Satan’s Hellhound my dog PEED ON MY COUCH.

And not just one cushion either. She peed on the two bottom cushions, the two back cushions, and on the actual non cushiony back part of the couch. And just for good measure on two throw blankets.

Two days and $13 dollars worth of Petco trips and mucho scrubbing later, the couch still smells like pee, but now it ALSO reeks of Nature’s Miracle. And some other smell which could be mold. Or nachos.

Mmmm. Nachos.

The fine people at Macy’s may reluctantly, some time in the new year, part with the new couch I picked out this weekend, but I’m not holding my breath. I always thought you walked into the couch store, you picked out your couch, you handed over your money, you got your couch, but my attempt to do this so confused the fine furniture salesladies of Macy’s that I think I may be missing something. Besides a couch.

Also, it turns out Eli hates shopping for couches. No matter how many times I promised him that someday I would look the other way when I found his bong wedged between the cushions of the new couch, he just couldn’t get into it. But at this point, Mr. E and I aren’t too fond of couch shopping either so I can’t say as I blame the kid.

You will note that I did cough up the $87 for fabric protection. My mama didn’t raise no fool.

And now, for your viewing pleasure, the (alleged) new couch:



11 Responses

  1. We are currently living in urinetown as well! My parents’ 16 year old miniature Dachsund stayed with me for a week and managed to pee everywhere! All the time! With ample bathroom breaks! The only thing that kept me from getting mad was thinking about just how old 16 years old is in dog years and the probability of me being continent at 112 years old. Poor girl! Look at the bright side – you get a new couch! Yay!

  2. I had to look up what Nature’s Miracle is. Is that smell worse than urine?

    That couch would look just lovely in my home. I want it too! My husband bought our couch before we were engaged (but when we knew it was inevitable that we would be enaged), so I had no say in it whatsoever, but knew I was going to be stuck with it one day. I rue the day he bought that couch because I hate it. I wish someone would pee on it.

  3. I just realized that I neglected to say the couch was scotchguarded, and I DID clean up the urine – but am still making an appointment to have the dang thing cleaned by the pros to be sure!

  4. Cool couch, Princess, but I must say I am simply shocked, SHOCKED!, I say, that you don’t have a cowboy lamp.

    I had forgotten about/repressed the hurry-up-and-wait furniture sales method. Theoretically, I think you’re supposed to be so @#!x*! grateful when it finally arrives that you will overlook practically anything.

  5. Very nice couch, just hope you can keep the dog off it… or you might be smelling dog pee again! Show me any baby/kid who likes shopping for couches!

  6. I LOVE that couch! Lovely!

  7. Oh how I understand the woes of a peed on couch. 😦 But I love the new couch!

  8. Sorry about the couch disaster, but at least you got a sweet new couch out of it. I know what you mean about not being able to just walk in a furniture store and come out with a couch. It’s wrong.

  9. Oooooh! I love it. We are going to be in the market for a new couch this spring and I have been looking online. So many choices. What’s a gal to do?

  10. I once waited from August to November for a stupid bookshelf from Art Van (hereafter known as “Fart Scam”). I hope you get your new couch in a lot less time than 12 weeks.

    If I were you, I’d invest in a really cool couch slipcover. I know the idea of such sounds really uncool but at least it would be another layer of protection between unforseen dog-peeing incidents and the actual fabric of your couch.

  11. Oh noooooo! when we moved into this house 3 years ago, one of our cats peed on a leather sofa. (I know- I’m vegan! The couch was my husband’s from years ago, I swear!) Anyway, you would think pee would come out of leather fairly easily, right? Wrong- the pee of a terrified cat smells most hellishly. After 2 YEARS of treating it almost every day (at first, and then weekly and then monthly) the smell gradually disappeared. This has put the fear of pet urine in me.

    On a bright note, your new alleged couch is gorgeous!

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