These Boots Were Made for Walking. But Maybe Not Funerals.

Um. I was going to write a post that started out with “I hate packing so incredibly much it’s not even funny and also my whole life I wanted to be that girl who could just throw a toothbrush in her bag and haul ass out the door unemcumbered and I am SO not that girl and so packing is not only a vile experience in its own right but it is also a reminder that I have failed at becoming the imaginary girl I always wanted to be and also did I mention I can’t help but notice I am not married to JFK Jr and I do not live in Tribeca and I do not spend my rent money on shoes and also I forgot I am not Carrie Bradshaw.” Then I realized that part of the problem of having had this blog for almost four freaking years is that I am pretty sure I have already written that EXACT blog post.

So um, I hate packing, blah blah blah JFK Jr blah.

Also, this might seem like a superficial question, but welcome to my world people. Is it inappropriate to wear knee length black boots to a funeral? With a wrap dress, if you must know. It would be very helpful if many of you answered this question and if the answers were all “No, that doesn’t seem inappropriate at all, as long as you don’t wear fishnet tights, black boots are fine!” because otherwise I will have no choice but to wear some too small nylons and hobble around in a pair of stupidly purchased very high heels and why I don’t seem to own any black shoes I can walk in I have no idea, but I think I may have just argued my way into buying some new shoes, which is awesome. Anyhoo, the black boots are the only thing that keep me from feeling ridiculously fat and lumpy in my stupid wrap dress and btw I would like to mention that ma child is now 1 year and 09 days old and that is 09 days longer than the deal we made 1 year and 09 days ago when I told him I would breastfeed him until he was one year old even if it killed me which it darn near did and you would think he could hold up his side of the bargain and learn to use a freaking sippy cup already. Do you know how undignified it is to try to breastfeed a wiggly little bread snapper while wearing a wrap dress and knee length boots?

And I would like to add that I am not sure which one it is, but I have decided either my fubared circadian rhythms or my lackage of weaning of my child are to blame for the fact that I am always freaking starving and therefore cannot seem to lose any weight. I have grand ambitions but come 5:30 they go out the window when I am confronted with the raging beast that is my appetite. Considering that I am now heavier than I was when I pushed said child out into the world and that I am headed to Detroit to be scrutinized by the very people who make me more self conscious than any other people on this earth, I am not too thrilled about this state of affairs. On the plus side I decided to abandon the hilariously impossible idea of packing light and we are now each bringing our own ginormous suitcase and I am totally going to pack a bottle of vodka and a cocktail shaker. I’m like James Bond over here people, minus the heart defibrillator. Also, I’m pretty sure 007 never had to nurse any plus one year olds while wearing a wrap dress.

Also, do you think this is a sign that my brain has turned to mush? When my child wakes up from his nap, the first thing he does to alert me that he’d like to be fetched is to throw his pacifier over the side of the crib onto the floor. I, of course, ignore this in favor of writing psychotic rants on the internet relating to knee length boots, but I also find it so adorable I can hardly stand it. What a clever little thing that bread snapper is.

Please wish me luck in the land of we never turn the television off lest we be forced to make adult conversation or do something other than stew in the juices of Comedy Central.

And please advise as per boots.


9 Responses

  1. Boots are fine! Wear the boots!

    (And it is kind of adorable, how he lets you know he’s up and ready.)

  2. I say wear the boots. I wouldn’t think twice about it! 🙂

    And yeah…totally adorable. Georgia sticks her feet out and knocks the thingy we have hanging over it so it klonk klonk klonks until I go get her. The booger.

    Also. If it makes you feel any better. I just lost 10lbs and I am only now just under what I weighed when I pushed that klonkin’ booger out and I had gained WAY too much while pregnant to begin with.

    Sorry about the funeral.

  3. Definitely wear the boots. Wrap dress plus knee-high boots (heeled or flat?) definitely match and are fine for a funeral.

    I am trying to figure out the logistics of breastfeeding a baby while wearing a wrap dress without exposing the entire boob. Which you may or may not be bothered by, of course. I have avoided my wrap dresses for that very reason. Unless you could wear a camisole or singlet top underneath the wrap dress, pushing that up to cover boob’s top half while the dress is pushed down?

    My girls usually let me know they’re awake by loud grunting, or if that goes unheard, screaming. I much prefer Eli’s method.

    Congrats on making 1 year+ breastfeeding, and sorry about the funeral.

  4. I’m with everyone else- boots are fine.

  5. Boots are perfect!! Go with what works.

    And that whole myth of breastfeeding helps you lose weight?? I believe it’s a conspiracy started by the La Leche League to get women to breastfeed! I never lost much weight until AFTER I stopped nursing. Stupid milk production!

    Oh, and sorry about the uncomfortable family funeral. That just bites.

  6. Wrap dress and boots entirely appropriate, in my opinion.

    And I join you in being a new mom that didn’t magically shrink back down to previous size when the kid popped out. Grr…

  7. boots = yes.

    I’m sorry about E’s grandpa, and I hope your trip goes smoothly.

  8. Sorry about the loss, Princess. The boots/wrap dress ensemble sounds lovely. Nurse any old way you want to, wearing anything you want to, and proudly. It doesn’t really matter what they think. Although…excusing yourself to nurse is a good reason to go to the suitcase. 🙂 Your vodka plan reminded me of a high school friend who smoked in her bedroom and put the cigarette butts in her suitcase. And filled it up. Until one day the family was going on a trip and her mother decided to get a head start on the packing before my friend got home from school…

  9. Knee boots are entirely acceptable as long as they’re not of the dominatrix/street walker uber heeled variety, which I’m sure they’re not. My cousin wore brown knee boots to my grandfather’s funeral and we didn’t bat an eyelash.

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