Elizabeth’s Twelve Step Program to Regaining the Fabulous

The fabulousness is fading people, the fabulousness is fading. One too many late nights, nine million too many thin mints, and spending all your free time sewing and looking for purses will do that to you. Here’s my plan to get back on track with the fabulousness because before I got in the shower today I accidentally looked in the mirror with my contacts in and I think they heard my “blarghhh” in space.

1. Get a haircut. A really short hair cut, so I don’t have to get it cut again any time soon and I don’t have to blow it dry or put it in a pony tail or volumizerize it or deal with it at all.

2. Paint my damn toenails already, the pedicure fairy is not going to show up here to do it.

3. Pluck my eyebrows. They are icky. Enough said.

4. Find a summer purse that I like and quit moaning on about it already.

5. Count all my points even though it sucks hard, until I lose ten pounds. At 140 we will check things out and see how we feel about things. Things like shorts.

6. Get up every morning at 8:30 and either take a shower or go for a run. Nothing makes me feel like bunk faster than sitting around in my pajamas all day, although lordy is it ever tempting and easy to do so.

7. Go to the dermatologist. My skin is still pissing me off, despite all your excellent suggestions. It is way better than before the Great Philosophy Debacle of 2008, but it’s still obviously got some issues, and I’m calling in the professionals. I’ve never been to the dermatologist, and what I’m really hoping is that he’ll prescribe me some insane medication so I will be forced to…

8. …quit the hell nursing already. I am so over loaning my ta tas out to another creature, but it’s really hard to just quit cold turkey. Sometimes I’ve got a heart of stone and I make ma poor child have a bottle of strawberry milk (the only thing he’ll drink) but other times I think “I’ll never breastfeed this baby again waaaaaaaaaaaaaa” and I break down and then there we go again. I can’t help it, the cuddles in the morning are the best and I just think to myself “he won’t want to cuddle with you in 16 years when he is 17 so you better do it now” and then the weaning doesn’t happen yet again. But I am selfish and I want my boobs back already.

9. Find my damn flip flops. I didn’t buy any ballet flats because I knew that once it got hot enough to not be wearing socks, I’d be wearing flip flops every damn second of the day, but that assumes I can find any of the seventy trillion pairs I own. I know there’s one in the bottom of the laundry basket, but where the rest are is not clear.

10. Wax, um, things. Enough said.

11. Find out where my stupid face lotion is. Stupid ebay.

12. Wash my face every night which I am very bad at doing and which I hate but which I will do, since it is rather gross not to and I think it does make a difference if do it. And also buy a new tooth whitening tray to replace the one the dog chewed up and whiten my teeth.

13. Lucky number thirteen…buy new underwear and bras and throw out all the grotty old ones.

There you go. Wish me luck. I thought about maybe painting my toenails after I got done writing this but then I felt tired and thought I would rather drink a dirty vodka martini so as you can see I am well on my way to just knocking this list right out of the park. On the plus side nothing makes me feel fabulous faster than a dirty vodka martini except maybe having a husband who makes them for me even when I haven’t taken a shower all day and I keep yelling things about needing to sew faster and that maybe he should make his own damn dinner. So I’ve got that going for me at least.

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11 Responses

  1. You’re so ambitious! A thing like eyebrow maintenance is bound to be on my list of things to do for weeks..because I really can’t stand to do it…and when I go to the nail salon I feel like they give me zero eyebrow at all and I look really funny.

    If you find that perfect short haircut please send explicit directions to give to hair cutter locally…because that particular direction is not always received by the hair cutter with the proper amount of caution and concern. Hence the bad flip out cut of 2001..it was less Meg Ryan and more Crazy Drew Barrymore. beware the crazy Drew Barrymore haircut.

  2. Your child let’s you sleep until 8:30?

    You’re fabulous with or without this list, but I hear you…I need a new fabu list asap. But I don’t know if it’s happening with my fat pregnant self anytime in the next 7 weeks.

  3. I’ve decided to give up on trying every face care line known to man and seek professional help, too. Because I’m getting closer to 30 every day, but apparently my skin hasn’t got the memo.

    My appointment is in 2 weeks and I can’t fricken wait. I’ll be going there in all my pre-menstrual break out glory, so he better give me something good.

  4. Good decision- the dermatologist will probably give you cortisone shots, which will clear up the break outs in like a day, and then antibiotics which will keep them at bay.

  5. fabulous plan.
    especially the martini making husband.

  6. I’m trying to grow my hair out because it’s too short and on me too short equals giant afro. Because I have the bushiest hair known to white man. Thanks, Grandpa Shipley. I just want to be able to get every strand into a ponytail by the time summer running season arrives. Time is running (ha ha) out.

    buy a new tooth whitening tray to replace the one the dog chewed up

    Stating the obvious: dogs are idiots. In what universe would something like that be considered “food”? Oh yeah, in Stupid Dog Universe. See also: cat vomit, screwdriver handles, crate pads, fleece slippers, toilet paper, the carpet on the cat condo, dirt, wood, socks, cardboard…yeah.

  7. A lot of items on your list are on my own, acutally. Today I start counting points again. Yesterday I took care of the eyebrows and the haircut (it’s above my chin and super short in the back – low maintenance ::praise got for flat irons!::). I took care of the toenails last week, and I begin the exercizing today after work. It feels nice to take care of myself once I get past the shock and awe of all the dough I spent!:)

  8. Okay, I am de-lurking now….All that talk about the StatCounter has made me very self-conscious because you may be wondering why some random freak is checking your blog many,many times a day. I found your blog a while ago and really enjoy reading it, even though we are very different. (My boys are all grown up so no breast feeding dilemmas here and I do like cilantro but married to a geologist, check; flip-flops, check; avid reader, check; family issues, check; weight issues, check; dark chocolate, check.) And I enjoy looking in again to read the comments because they are always good. So, I hope it won’t bother you if I keep checking in. I am just an anonymous fan, not a relative, pervert or any other undesirable.

  9. Thanks for the laughs. You even make serious goal setting fun, and inspired me to make my own list.
    p.s. Paint away! I’ve discovered toesies are much more high maintenance without polish. Suggest waiting a few hours post dirty martini before painting said toes.

  10. I can’t believe I’m admitting this, but I’m getting my first bikini wax this weekend. FIRST. I’m scared.

  11. I’ve been to a dermatologist, and they do do fabulous things. Except, I haven’t been since college, and I too desperately need to make an appointment. We should partner up on that goal and lots of others (waxing, hair cutting, eating sanely) and keep each other accountable!

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