Break

I took my drivers test this morning. I failed it, so that’s that.

Try again later, I guess.

I need a break, from some things. I am consumed with an overwhelming desire to get away from myself, but I can’t figure out how to do that, so I am going to take a little break from the world.

Blargh

I have to wake up tomorrow and do something that I really really really really don’t want to do, something I’ve been putting off doing for sixteen years.  I am so incredibly nervous about it that I am not really certain how on earth I’m going to be able to sleep and I might have to google “tips for not throwing up on people you are trying to impress.”

Will let you know how it goes.

Meanwhile we are packing packing packing and trying to figure out how to buy a refrigerator when we don’t even know when we can move into the stupid house and we are trying to convince the mortgage dictator people to give us the money to buy the stupid house on the one day in Mr. E’s life when he will technically be unemployed and we are trying to figure out how to fit all our stuff in the stupid house that’s even smaller than the stupid house we live in now and how to furnish and decorate the stupid house using nothing more than our good looks and charm and I can’t help but notice that I am not losing any weight eating a steady diet of Skor bars and starbursts and Eli just never ever ever ever ever stops going but meanwhile he will NOT walk and I can’t help but feel like I have become someone I hate, this manic ball of stress that cries at the drop of a hat, and I hate my hair and I am nothing but a stressed out cliche of lameness and it makes me dislike myself even more and I just think to myself over and over “god, I so wouldn’t want to be married to me, how on earth did we get here, dear god let this get better soon”.

Le sigh.

I always think to myself “how bad can moving really be, it will be an adventure” and then we move and it’s always so effing terrible.

I spent my three day weekend in the aisles of Home Depot. What did you do?

PS Wish me luck with terrible thing, I will update regarding success or failure tomorrow noonish.  I am going to get through it by thinking of it as excellent blog fodder, which you can tell I need, boring rantishness about Home Depot not withstanding.

I Told You I Was Going To Do It And I Did – ETA Photographic Evidence

I just had a little bit of a grown up tantrum and cut off all my hair. It looks rather terrible, but I feel oddly as though it would have looked terrible no matter what – I wanted it really really short, probably too short, and at least this way I didn’t have to pay $65 and harangue some innocent empoyee of “Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow”* into giving me a bowl cut.

I emailed Mr. E so he would have a heads up that all my hair is gone and he wouldn’t make any marriage destroying comments when he walked int he door and he said he is picturing me with Demi Moore’s hair in Ghost. I told him that it was much closer to the kids hair in Problem Child 2. It also has a distinct mom hair vibe to it, and so this weekend I think I’m going to have to spend some time shopping for elastic waist jeans and mini vans. And maybe some potpourri.

And that’s all I’ve got.

I Wear Yoga Pants on the Outside When I Feel like Yoga Pants On the Inside

Remember when I freaked out the other day and got rid of a whole bunch of clothes?

The final item that landed on the top of the heap was a pair of $12 Old Navy yoga pants. I’d bought them in a fit of despair right after Eli was born, and even thought they were super duper comfortable and they always fit no matter how many cupcakes I ate – they were also faded and ratty and hideously unflattering and every time I wore them they just made me feel bad about myself.  But they brought me security – they meant I always had something to wear, even when that something made me feel crappy.

I really didn’t want to let go of them.  But I had to do it. They were the last thing I chucked onto the pile of feel bad clothing and then I bit the bullet and bought a pair of the most overpriced yoga pants in existence and holy hot damn people.

Every thing they say about the Lululemon groove pants? Especially the part re: your booty + pants = fabulousness? All TRUE. Very very true. I am not sure what they put in these magical pants, but I’m telling you, I can’t stop staring at my kiester.

So worth the money, so very worth the money.

(They’re not available online, so until they move into the 20th century or the 21st century or whatever the hell century we’re supposed to be in right now you will have to either go to a store or buy them on Ebay. I KNOW. SO V V ANNOYING. DO IT ANYWAY.)

Random Six

Jennie tagged me for this meme and since this is really nothing more than an excuse to talk about myself even more than I normally do, well, that makes us all winners.  Except for you, of course.

SIx Random Things About Me

1.  If I wait too long in between hair cuts, I always get an irresistable urge to run into the bathroom and hack off all of my hair myself.  Sometimes I just go ahead and do it even though I shouldn’t and then it looks horrible and the next person who cuts it usually says something about how crooked it is.

2. I hate cauliflour. HATE HATE HATE.  To me it tastes like barf in vegetable form.  We got some in the farm box a few weeks ago and it was so freaking gorgeous I decided that maybe it was time to give cauliflower another chance.  The internet raves incessantly about roasted cauliflower so I cranked up the oven and forty five minutes later, it turns out I still hate cauliflower.  It will agree that it’s a gorgeous vegetable, despite the barf factor.

3.  Unless I buy clothes in a strict limit of colors, I can’t match them to each other.  If I buy dark brown pants, I’ll never wear them, because I can never figure out what to wear with them. And yet my favorite dress up outfit is an orange flowered skirt and a navy blue t shirt.  I’m not sure why the dark brown pants cook my brain but they do.

4.  I can only walk in high heels if they have an ankle strap.  Am I doing something wrong?  Because unless my shoes have an ankle strap they come off my feet as I walk.

5.  I never remember to wear any of my wedding/engagement rings, and I have three.  If Mr. E stopped wearing his wedding band I would kill him, but he doesn’t appear to notice that I never wear mine.

6.  I am an incredibly fast reader, always have been.  Whenever people realize how fast I can read something, they’re semi horrified.  I tend to get really sucked into books I like and I’ll do nothing but read for a day or so.  But if anyone else reads something instead of talking to me, it annoys the crap out of me.

I sound delightful, don’t I?

I Am About to Become Best Friends With IKEA

Sorry for the most boring post in all of Boringland, but for my own sanity I needed to put the (potential) house to do list down in writing.

1. Buy a new front door, paint it red. New doorbell. New door knocker.

2. Hang basket of nasturtiums on the front porch

3. Plant a lemon tree in the backyard. Or avocado? Or cherry?

4. Build planter boxes in the backyard – fill with tomatoes.

5. Sod the backyard.

6. Buy a gazebo, rig up some hanging cafe lights. Buy outside heater lamp thingee.

7. Utility tables in the garage.

8. Dog food and cat food bins outside next to garage. (Racoon proof).

9. Plant a border of flowers along the edge of the backyard.

10. Plant beaucoup roses in the front.

11. Add a front porch, a third bedroom, and a finished attic. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

12. Put a porch swing on my add on front porch.

12. Hot tub. Enough said.

13. Add closet organizers to increase closet space.

14. Switch out door knobs with overpriced glass door knobs from Anthropologie.

15. Install a system of coat hooks for backpacks and purses in the front entryway.

16. Add a stainless steel dishwasher, refrigerator, and gas stove. (Is stainless steel the avocado green of our generation?)

17. Kitchen: New white cabinets, green or stainless cabinet knobs, gray slate floor, and hickory countertops. And an orange rug. Some cabinets with glass door fronts to display jadeite collection.

18. Built in microwave thingee.

19. Bathroom: Remove giant mirror, replace with medicine cabinet. Add shelving. Add pedestal sink. Move toilet next to the sink. Remove glass shower door, replace with shower curtain and rod. Buy new towel racks and add hooks to the back of the bathroom door. Buy new towels. Remove icky marble floor tile and retile in small ceramic tiles.

20. Buy new dining room chairs.

21. Buy a small black desk from West Elm and a desk chair, put in corner of dining room with flat screen monitor and IMAC.

22. Frame Sweet Juniper photograph, hang over fireplace.

23. Pry off horrendous marble tiles on fireplace. Add white wooden mantle and green tiles from Heath.

24. Buy a new changing table and a big boy bed.

25. Replace the horrible Home Depot Special light fixtures with something else.

26. Buy a long low dresser for the bedroom.

27. Replace the small living room window with either one giant window and three bigger windows.

28. Put the shutters back on the front of the house.

29. New duvet cover, new headboard, new sheets, nightstands.

30. Try to fall out of love with the most overpriced coffee table in America or else find $700 dollars on the street. (look at the room view to really see how nice it would look in my house).

31. Buy flash hot water heater. Take longest shower of all time.

32. Harangue stepfather into adding built in bookshelves to living room.

33. Make couch cushions or rob bank.

34. Buy new hamper, laundry basket, and one of those retractable clotheslines for the back yard.

35. Replace hollow core doors.

36. Buy an overstuffed chair and a half.

37. Buy a real rug that isn’t from Target.

38. Hang a pot rack in the kitchen.

39. Futon cover

40. Pillow cases

41. Washing machine

42. BBQ grill

43. Frame alphabet poster, prints, and make an area with a letter E and b and w photos.

44. Flickr alphabet poster, magazine collage poster, alphabet vegetable poster

45. make headboard

46. make vintage ABC book poster

47. reframe velvet painting

48.Refinish dining room table and chairs

49. FIgure out laundry room storage

50. Put something (IKEA rack thingee?) where the hot water heater used to be

I Was There In the Room*

I’m a writer, born and bred, but even I sometimes wonder if there are experiences so profound that they are beyond words.

Regardless, words are what I have, and so I will do my best.

**********************

The moment you were born, Elena, I was there, in the room.

I held your mother’s hand and she was holding your other mother’s hand and your aunt had a hand in there as well and it felt as though a current ran through us. Tears streamed down our faces and pure joy made us grin huge fantastic breathless grins. We had been in that hospital room for days, and at the end none of it mattered, cords and nurses and beds and beeps and monitors fell away and we could have been a circle of women anywhere in the world, on a mountaintop in the himalayas or kneeling by the sea or around a bed at home or anywhere, as we focused all of our pure energy on bringing our girl into the world.

I have never been more proud of your mother as I have been in that moment, unless it was in the thousands of moments that passed before it, as contractions flew by on the monitor and she breathed and worked and labored and pushed and nurses came in through the door and said “This is so amazing, this room is so amazing, you are so amazing, this is the most beautiful birth.”

And this circle of women surrounded you and your mother worked as she had never worked before and pushed and pushed and pushed and one minute you were not here and the next minute you were, and I have never seen anything so profound or instant as that that moment – where one second a baby was an idea and the next a person.

I forgot how tiny you would be, how amazing, how perfect.

Of all the moments in my life I treasure, your birth was a top five moment for sure. And two of those top five moments are sitting in the third row at a Portland Traiblazers game and driving towards the Hollywood sign at night, so I think it’s safe to say it was at least in the top three.

*Title shamelessly stolen from Eve Ensler.