In Vain

All I do is walk around all day and swear. Mr. E looks at me and shakes h is head and says “You’ve got to stop wandering around yelling ‘Jesus Christ,” but it’s all I can think of to say.

Every time someone comes into this house to fix something it’s just an invitation for them to tell me all of the things that are wrong with it. All the pipes are cracked and someone did newish shitty wiring and the plumbing under the sink is all wrong and the back porch is dangerous and there’s not enough power to the garage. Great. Let’s just concentrate on fixing what you’re here to fix and then when I invent a self cleaning toilet and pay my mortgage with gold dubloons then we’ll talk about running more power to the garage.

In an effort to mainain his Number One FLP* Position in our household, Eli has embarked on a remarkably successful No Other Siblings campaign. His strategy is two tiered – he’s a total asshole (yeah, I said it ) stinker all day long and then at night he just straight up refuses to sleep unless he’s wedged right between us, with his head on his father and his feet right around where I think my kidneys used to be.

My living room is conspiring to kill me AND end my marriage, whichever one comes first. I can’t take pictures of it (no camera cord) which would probably help, but it’s a really long narrow room, and it has a giant window on one long wall, the entry way to the dining room on the other long wall, the entryway to the front of the house on one short wall, and the fireplace on the fourth short wall. I just can’t for the life of me figure out where to put the couch and where to put the tv and I can’t really get a handle on the style of the room – somehow we’ve ended up with tons of danish modern furniture because it’s the only thing I ever like in the store, but I don’t want it to look like we should have just bought California Modern when what we have is a 1935 bungalow. I thought I just wanted my house to look like the inside of the Pottery Barn Catalog, unoriginal as that may be, but then I never actually like any of their stuff, it seems too heavy and clunky and Mr. E hates it. I’m trying to just give myself freedom to buy whatever I want and like and trust that it will go together, but damn, it would really help if I could figure where to put the blankety blank tv. I’m close to just not even having a tv at this point and if that doesn’t indicate my level of desperation to you then I don’t know what will.

Here’s what I need your help with right now though. I’m hoping if I shove a giant round lamp in one corner of the room, it will take away from the “furniture lined up down both long walls” vibe of the room and will help with the fact that there is no overhead lighting in the living room. There are two tripod lamps that I Iike…this giant one from CB2, which I like because it’s got the cleanest lines and it looks LARGE, in the “in room” picture, and I like that they tell you the size of the shade (two feet.) I’m not in love wiith the shade color, although I like it better in the other pictures they show, and it’s ten dollars more, plus I’d have to pay shipping.

The Target lampis ten dollars cheaper and has free shipping, and I love the orange shade. I don’t think it’s as large, but they don’t tell you the size of the shade. And it has that quinky little circle thing right below the shade, which I think is not as nice of a look as the first one. And they don’t show any in room pictures so I can’t get a good sense for the scale of it.

Jesus Christ, Target has a most annoying web site.

What do you think?

An Endless Supply

It’s always a good sign when the plumber lets out a long, low “Oh. My. God.” from behind your house.  And damn, this plumbing shiznit is so freaking noisy. Which ordinarily wouldn’t be a big deal but I did not dope my teething toddler to the gills with Tylenol and Motrin and Jif just so you could wake him up with your plumber banging, for god’s sake.

I honestly can’t believe how boring home ownership has made me and my blog, I swear it would be at least marginally more exciting if I could find my camera charger, at least then I could throw in some pictures.  The other day I realized that my life would be simpler and less full of strife if I just accepted that no one except me cares if my baby sleeps.  It’s a wretched position to be in – you spend half your life and all of your sanity trying to achieve this one thing that no one else gives a shit about – but it’s the truth, really, it is, and we should all just accept it.  Anyway, I have the feeling that my home improvements may fall into that same category – does anyone else really care that we’re getting a tankless hot water heater and actual electrical outlets in our kitchen (deluxe!) and a dishwasher? Probably not.

But still! A tankless hot water heater? How frakking awesome is that?

Mr. E has assured me that this promise of an endless supply of hot water does not mean that I can go into the shower and never come out, to which I say: “Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha see you in 2012.”

Also, new stainless dishwasher? OMG LOVE.  I have been without a dishwasher of any kind for almost two and half years now and I swear to god at times I thought I would lose my mind with the amount of time I spent washing dishes and I am here to tell you that as god is my witness I will never hand wash a bottle again.  NEVER.

I’m still looking for lots of things to go in our house – we don’t have anything to hold any of our useless fancy wedding china and we probably need more bookshelves and something to hold our tv, but I can’t find anything that’s really what I’m looking for.  I don’t want to spend insane amounts of money but I don’t want a house full of crap either.  And it is really really difficult to get out of the habit of buying cheap crappy stuff – I am trying to be patient and buy the right thing, the thing I really want, but it is so tempting to buy the cheap shitty stop gap alternative at Target.

Speaking of which, I decided that I didn’t want to sink $60 worth of fancy Anthropologie hooks into a hollow core bathroom door. All the doors in this house are terrible and will be replaced with real wood doors at some point down the road and then I’ll buy some overpriced hooks.  In the meantime I stuck the $1.50 hook rail from IKEA on the door and moved on with my day.  I did add some fabric covered buttons to designate whos towel was whos and hopefully it doesn’t look TOO quinky.  Maybe I should just print some nice labels or something.  Hmmm.  Pictures if I ever find my camera charger.

So far the most exciting thing I’ve done all day was to sign us up for the Do Not Call List because holy eff, those telemarketers were on our new numbers like white on rice.  It was like sharks circling, seconds after we got them.  This morning I got a call that was just a blaringly loud recording of a ship’s horn, and then the announcement “AHOY! This is your captain speaking!” So Awesome.  I’m sure that really sells the hell out of boats or whatever other oceanic crap you’re peddling.

In other news, I could really use a sandwich.

P.O.O.P. has a nice ring to it

The house is coming together, sort of, very slowly, duvet covers not withstanding, but also I would like to say that when someone arranges to buy a credenza from you off Craigslist and they agree that, yes, they for certain want to buy it  and they will give you the $55 you want for it and you promise to deliver it the next morning and then instead of delivering it you email to say that it has been sold, that’s just rude, and also, um, maybe this is my mistake, but how can it be sold, didn’t you just sell it to ME?

Anyhoos, the thing with my house is that it has the worlds smallest bathroom, and I just bought these just amazingly awesome brand new fluffy white towels and I have got nowhere to hang them.  We need hooks on the back of the door, obvs, but I bought these from IKEA today and they are not cute on the white door.  I like these, but dear lord, I also like to eat.  So then I was thinking we have these white towels and you can’t tell one from the other and what if god forbid I accidentally use the same one that Mr. E used, although truthfully I will most likely always be able to identify Mr. E’s towel because it will be the one lying on the bedroom floor.  Regardless, the point of this story is that I thought it would be super cool to buy these so we could each have our own but I was hard core foiled because  all of our names start with same damn letter.

So I have to come up with some alternate letters, besides E.  G for Guests, but then what? Mr. suggested D for Dad, M for Mama, and E for Eli, but I don’t want to be Mama.  Blegh.  I guess I could spell a word but I think random letters is way more fun.  Any ideas?   I definitely should have considered the negative interior decorating impact of marrying an E and having another E.  Boo Urns.

Until the End of Time

Everything waits for something else.

You will have clothes that fit when you lose weight.  You will figure out how to feel good about yourself when you lose twenty pounds.  You will feel ready to have another baby when the first one stops being so much work.  You will be nicer to your husband when you are not so hot. You will go to the pool when you aren’t nervous about wearing a swimsuit in public.  You will return email when the baby takes a nap.  You will have a grown up bedroom with real furniture when you can afford it.

The universe wants me to buy a blue duvet cover or a red duvet cover but I REFUSE.  I will look for a green duvet cover come what may, until the end of time.  And now I have no choice in the matter because for the first time in my life I own a real grown up brand new to me real live dresser and I just bought green glass knobs to go on it and so the green ship has sailed, as they say.

I think it’s going to be lovely.  Someday.

I am also going to sign back up to Weight Watchers and start counting some points because it turns out that Trader Joe’s mini brownie bites aren’t the magical weight loss cure some might have thought they’d be.  How about that.

I just hope I can learn to hurry up when I am meant to and learn to slow down and wait when that is what is needed.  Sometimes I think the real answer is just to stop and ask myself “What do I really want?” and wait for an answer.

Why is that answer so hard for me to hear?

Friday Reader Poll

1. Should I buy navy blue shorts?  The shorts I like from American Eagle are only available in navy, besides the color I have already (tan).  I don’t know how I feel about navy shorts though.  What would I wear them with?

2. No matter what I do, Eli won’t go to sleep at any kind of reasonable time at night.  Last night I think it was 11 PM and he had to sleep with us for most of the night. Any tips?

3. What colors should I paint my house? I am thinking gray in my living room, yellow in my dining room, and green/bluey/silvery/gray in my bedroom, but I am not sure how that’s all going to run together.  Any other ideas?

4.  I’m looking for a cheapish bbq – gas or propane or whatever, and less than $200. Any recs? What do you have? Do you like it? I havea  charcoal grill, but it’s too much of a PITA, we never ever use it.

5.  I just got over a teeny bit of my house furniture indecision and bought a desk! Go me.  Final poll question is what do you think of this file cabinet (the orange one) to go next to it?  I am not sure of the combination, but I do know that I saw this in the store and thought, damn, I love that file cabinet.  So that can’t be all bad.

(the desk and all the assorted hoo ha will go one end of our very long living room.  My design goal for the living room is cozy, fun and bright. I don’t know that we will accomplish sophisticated, but I would love for people to walk in and think ‘This is so cute!” and then ask where we got stuff. Is that a weird goal?)

Living Streak Free Since 1993

Oh people. People people people.  I can’t be the only hopelessly anal type A uber controlling person you know.  I will so NOT be showing you pictures of my house while it is filled with boxes and rolled up rugs and old burrito containers and dogs and cats and other assorted derbis.  Oh hells no.

I’ll make a deal with you, though, and as I finish off selected areas I might take a few pictures here and there.  Keeping in mind that the walls will eventually be painted and the floors redone.  And all that.  Lucky for you I am almost done with the bathroom – and  if the promise of pictures of my bathroom isn’t enough to get you out of bed in the morning, well, I just don’t know what to tell you anymore.

So I just bought this new stainless refrigerator and it is my new favorite thing, ever, right after my Obama Hope poster and mah baby.  I almost didn’t buy it because I went into a semi panic minutes before I ordered it and did some frantic googling to find out what the cool types were buying and I did come across a fair number of disdainful design snobs declaring that stainless was SO over and that it was going to be our generations’ avocado green and blooh blah blah hoo ha, but first of all, so sue me, I like stainless steel. I’ve always liked it and furthermore I have a stainless steel trash can and a stainless steel pot rack and a stainless steel toaster and a stainless steel espresso machine and an overpriced IKEA stainless steel shelf and also I couldn’t help but notice that despite everyone being SO OVER stainless steel, no one had any other good suggestions besides white and a white refrigerator doesn’t exactly butter my popcorn so I went with the stainless.

And I heard all about the dreaded fingerprints of doom but sad to say, although I am ashamed to admit it, I LIKE cleaning stainless steel. I might go so far as to say I LOVE it.   I find it immensely satisfying, wiping away smudges, getting everything absolutely freaking as clean as it can be, all sterilized and shit.  It’s right up there with Pledging on my list of fun house stuff to do.

However, a word of caution.  They might revoke my pass to the internet for admitting this but I am not a fan of Method products. I bought some Method dish soap once and the smell made me gag – had to throw that out. All my dishes smelled like it and it was totally uncool.  Then I had the Method O Mop and the handle straight up snapped off while I was using it. Also uncool. I wasn’t trying to like, mop the lawn or anything, I was just going along using it on my kitchen floor with the approved pad cleaner thing and bam, it snapped off in my hand.  So against my better judgment I gave them a third chance and when I was in Target I bought the Method Stainless Spray and the special Method Stainless Microfiber cloth because it was the only stainless cleaner they had of any kind which doesn’t that seem illegal? It should be if it isn’t and anyway the point is that it absolutely sucked, sucked, sucked.  It left giant yucky streaks all over everything and if there’s any way to take the fun out of your stainless cleaning kicks it’s giant streaks all over every damn surface.  Anyway, I then bought some of these Sprayway overpriced disposable wipes from Cost Plus and it’s all good, they’re the bomb. I would link them but I can’t find them anywhere, naturally.

Anyway, point is, Suck it, Method.

Also, Comcast told me Mr. E yesterday that they couldn’t be sure but maybe they would bring us our DVR today.  Apparently that is code for “We will pound on your door at 7:30 AM tomorrow with a DVR in our hand.” SEVEN THIRTY AM! That’s just indecent!

To which I also say, Suck it Comcast.

Dip

The internet has returned, and I have a raging case of writer’s block. Of freaking course.

Nothing I have to say seems to be of any general interest AT ALL. Would you like to hear about how I can’t find a duvet cover I like? Somehow I didn’t think so.

Do you ever just feel like your life is this up and down curve and for no reason whatsoever sometimes you look at your life and things are just on a high point, and you’re happy, and sometimes you look at things and think “yeah, right now is kind of a dip, I would say.” And no matter what I do right now I’m in this dip and I can’t shake myself out of it.

Cue List of Boring Reasons Why My Life Sucks:

I have a cold. My husband keeps asking me if I am sure it’s not allergies, which has infuriated me beyond all reason. But really? IT IS NOT ALLERGIES.

Then of course there is moving into a new house, which is just an overall wretched process for a home body creature of habit such as myself. Nothing is in its place, nothing has a place, and that cooks my brain. Nothing fits, nothing goes, nothing is connected.

The cable man came and OF COURSE he didn’t install the right thing, the thing we ordered, so we have to dick around with that for another eleventy hundred hours. And nothing says fun like arguing with Comcast.

No matter what time we wake Eli up, he doesn’t want to go to sleep at night and it’s getting a little bit old. I’m having my period and cramps and Mr. E and I have been getting on each others last nerves. I wish Hallmark made a card that said ” I know you are working very very hard, but don’t leave your pants on the floor ANY MORE EVER the two have nothing to do with each other for christ’s sake just pick up your things you are not five.”

I want another baby, ish, but I don’t want to be pregnant, AT ALL. I think I probably just want to name something.

I want my front yard to look cute RIGHT NOW. Instead I am trying to figure out how to disguise the tv cable that has been punched right into the front of my house. And wondering why all those flowers I planted look so unpleasant and scrappy.

Everything needs time. Everything will happen in time. But I just simply hate waiting, so that isn’t a comfort for me, it’s annoying as all hell.

Boring boring boring, I am boring.

I just thought it would be SO fun to decorate a house that I owned and it is NOT. Instead it is confusing and stressful and fighty. Have you ever tried to find a duvet cover that’s on sale, that you like, that your husband won’t think is too girly, that your gay neighbor will secretly covet if he comes over to paint your bedroom, that your kids won’t be able to ruin with handprints, that you won’t hate in three months, that matches the lamp you want but can’t afford at Crate and Barrel, that your mom won’t say something rude about, that will someday help sell your house, and that will make everyone in blogland think “:oh, she has really good taste.?”

Yeah. Well. Haven’t found it yet.