Oh Boy

I wanted a girl.

I find this difficult to admit.

People trot out the most ridiculous innapropriateness when they know you’re going to have a baby and one of the things they ask you is if you want a boy or a girl, and Mr. E always said his thing about ten fingers and ten toes and I just kind of let it go and said nothing.

It didn’t really matter to me anyway.  What I wanted was irrelevant, because I was 100% butt crazy absolutely no doubt certain that I was having a girl.

And if you wonder why I would even waste time making my mind up over something so arbitrary and ridiculous, why I would waste time deciding something that it was never up to me to decide, well, for reals, you might as well as just ask why Elizabeth is Elizabeth.  Ridiculous is just how I roll.

To be honest it kind of cracks my shit up when I think back on the whole experience and I remember that I actually considered not finding out the sex of the baby at my 20 week ultrasound.  Oh, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha, me.  I just love being totally naive about my own raging insanity.  Senor Pants would have had a very pink room, let’s just put it that way.

I will remember the moment they told me that Eli was a boy for as long as I live, for the rest of my life.  I hope it’s one of those life flash moments if I ever get hit by a car or something…the ultrasound tech asking if we were sure we wanted to know, and then, sing songy, announcing “It’s a boy.”

I have to go on record though, and say that I didn’t cry at the ultra sound.  I wasn’t even that upset, I don’t think.  More than anything I felt sort of pissed off, if you must know. It felt oddly like Mr. E had won the big gender contest and I didn’t care for that, at all.  Plus, I mean, crying at an ultrasound over the sex of your baby is the kind of asshole move that I just refused to allow myself.   One must have some perspective in life.  People have ultrasounds and find out genuinely upsetting things.  People get pregnant and then don’t bring home babies.  It happens every day, and in a world where really, almost all the time, it all does revolve around me, I have to draw some kind of line in the self centered sand.

Let’s not pretend though, that i didn’t collapse in a sobbing heap three days later, on my birthday, when Mr. E hadn’t even wished me a happy birthday yet and no one had called to sing me the birthday song.   It all got to be a bit much.  But somehow when I bawled “You didn’t call to tell me Happy Birthday! Where is my ice cream cake? I really really really wanted a girl!” soggily into Mr. E’s shirt front and this good good just plain kind man laughed at me (!) and then just held me and let me cry I think I let go of that little girl I’d had in my head, that day.  And I let myself begin to fall in love with my son.

When Eli was born, I announced, loudly, a few minutes after he was born, “I wouldn’t trade him for all the girls in the world.” and of course, of course, I would not.  I would never.

I never thought I would be saying this, but if I ever have another baby, some day soon or far away, I sort of hope it’s a boy.  I have a really fabulous boy name all picked out and I just know Eli would love to have a little brother, and there is just something about a little boy in a romper just learning to walk that nothing beats, nothing at all, really.  There is just something so amazingly perfect about being a mom to this dimpled, serious, intense, blue eyed son of mine.

I mean.  After all.  Would you trade this one in?

I thought not.

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14 Responses

  1. I’ve seen him in person, and he’s unbelievably beautiful.

  2. I remember telling you that I just KNEW I was having a girl, too. I didn’t even consider looking at boy bedding for months until it was confiremd TWICE that Jackson was indeed a boy.

    Also, like you, I wouldn’t trade either of my boys for a girl. No matter how many pink outfits and lacey socks I got.

    Boys rule, no doubt.

  3. I will admit, that even though I HAVE a girl, when they told me I was having a boy this go-round I felt a little sad. Even though I honestly FELT it was a boy and this time didn’t care either way (last time, I wanted a girl, though I never admitted it until she was born).

    But honestly? Reading your blog and seeing pics of that little imp ALWAYS makes me want a boy and I am so excited. (And I want more pics of him.)

    And I am sorry I didn’t get my act together for the writing prompt. I still might.

  4. I thought I was having a boy, I always wanted a boy and I think if I had a girl she would HATE me when it came to fashion, and yet sometimes i can’t help but wish I was able to have had one, also.

    I wouldn’t give up my sprog for anything in the world, but I would’ve liked the opportunity to have one of each, just to experience both, I think.

    I agree with Jennie; your Eli is a beautiful boy.

  5. I totally want a girl (IF I have a baby obviously). I’m just going to allow myself to whine and know that I will feel exactly like you do if matters turn out to be otherwise.

    Of course, I have THE BEST DAMN GIRL NAME ever picked out. So. Ya know. That’ll take some time getting over.

  6. See, this is why I don’t think I can have kids. All I really want is a girl, and if I had a boy, I might forever resent him and wish he were a girl instead.

  7. I too feel like, if we have a boy, that Bart will have won. I’m glad to know I’m not alone in that weirdness.

  8. i wanted a girl when i was pregnant with josh. i already had a girl and i was having another baby just 20 months later. sisters. perfect. and then he was born and for a split second, there it was…disappointment. and then i looked over at my husband and the look on his face…how happy he was to have a SON..all thatflew out of the window. i was so happy to have a boy!

  9. His WHOLE family just knew we (more appropriately, his mother, who keeps saying “her baby” and “her son” instead of putting “grand” in front of it. Many fights will ensue, I’m sure, because she’s crazy and we don’t care for each other) was having a boy. That a girl from the family genes is an abomination. I was so pissed the flip off at all of them for not even considering the fact that it could have been a girl. I wanted a girl just so I could rub their noses in it.

    So guess what. It’s a boy. Of course. And he and his whole family “won” a contest they didn’t even know they were in.

    I’m thrilled that Gavin will be here, but my heart still yearns for a snuggly little girl on some days. Maybe the second go around.

  10. *edit, lol. We “was” having a boy should be we “were”…. grammar brain lapse.

  11. One of my best friend’s told me how she had kind of fallen in love with both the little boy and the little girl she imagined she was having. And that she had to grieve that little girl when she found out she was having a boy. I think of that so often.

    You wrote a wonderful post about something I don’t think too many people talk about. I love that you let go of the little girl and fell in love with your son.

    This is a lovely post.

  12. I wanted a girl too, because there are only boys in my family and EVERYONE wanted a girl. And I am a people pleaser to the nth degree. Now I’m really thankful I had a boy- who knows how many issues I would push onto a poor firstborn daughter! And I’m still suspicious about this baby being a girl, mostly because I really want a girl… My poor SIL though. She cried both times she found out she was having boys, and I’m pretty sure she hates me for having the first girl. Oh well. I win at something!

  13. Awww. This makes me think of the scene at the end of the “Anne of Avonlea” TV series where Diana Berry is talking about her boy, who she was going to name Anne, but would never trade in. I am a dork 🙂

  14. I really wanted a girl, and that’s what I got. Now, I want a boy, but really, I want a girl (not even pregnant yet). the reason?: my hubby only wants to kids. a boy and a girl. and if the next baby is a boy, he will be happy. i? want 3 kids. so i sorta want the next to be a girl, in the hopes that he will want to try again for a boy. but what if he doesnt? i want a boy! damn it! why must i complicate things??

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