How To Hang Living Room Curtains In 33 Easy Steps

1.  Obsess over the Pottery Barn catalog from the time you are 14.  Think to yourself “Some day I will own some overpriced striped silk curtains even if I have to sell my liver.”

2.  Eat more pie than you ever thought humanly possible. Buy a house.

3.  Move. Feel immensely proud of superior organizational skills when you designate a box for all hardware during moving process. Put nothing in box. Lose all old curtain hardware immediately.

4.  Decide time has come.  Choose and fall in love with overpriced curtains at Pottery Barn. Get cold feet.    Wait until curtains are sold out to decide you will die without them.  Pay exhorbitant price for curtains on Ebay.  Try to think of how to explain large Paypal payment to “Sandy’s Cattle and Meat Ranch” to husband.

5.  When fabulous expensive curtains arrive, leave in old cardboard box for eight weeks.

6.  Begin to harangue husband regarding curtains.  Use well documented persuasive arguments.  Be sure to mention that he never picks up his beer cans and you don’t appreciate him leaving his flip flops in the middle of the floor every day and it’s not your fault you never have any time to do anything since he’s the one who had the big idea to have a baby.

7.  Do not, under any circumstances, measure the window where curtains will go.  At any point.

8.  Attempt to buy curtain rod using minion of satan self check out at Home Depot.  Poke other shoppers with curtain rod nine thousand times. Yell “Goddamn it, I did put my item in the basket!” nine thousand times.  Sigh dramatically.  Roll eyes.

9.  Continue the delicate process of forcing husband to put up curtains despite that fact that it will require actual work.  Bribe husband with toys a laser level.

10.  Have all pleas to put up curtains fall on deaf ears.

11.  Decide to take matters into own hands. Declare “I am woman, hear me roar.” Grab electric drill, charge into living room, rip open curtain rod box, pull out curtain rod!   Discover curtain rod is many feet too short.  Call husband accusitorily.

12.  Return curtain rod. Accidentally poke nine thousand Home Depot customers.  Know, deep down, that they deserved it.

13.  Pass out from shock when pricing correct length curtain rod online.

14.  Revive self using steady application of Diet Coke and chocolate chips.

15.  Ignore all moral compunctions and order new curtain rod in size ginormous from Walmart.  Have it delivered to dirtiest Walmart in town.  Listen to husband piss and moan regarding dirty town Walmart.

16.  Ignore 373 emails from Walmart reminding you to pick up your new curtain rod.

17.  Force husband to look death in the face and venture to dirty Walmart to retrieve curtain rod.

18.  Listen to husbands tale of woe regarding bad! customer! service! at Walmart. Note that said husband seems to have survived dirtiest Walmart in town.  Have husband concede, grudgingly, that it “might not have been all that bad.”  Pass out from shock.

19.  Once again, apply Diet Coke and chocolate chip patented revival technique.

20.  Wait for baby to fall asleep.  Wait for baby to fall asleep.  Wait for baby to fall asleep.  Wait for baby to fall asleep.  Wait for baby to fall asleep.  Wait for baby to fall asleep.  Wait for baby to fall asleep.  Wait for baby to fall asleep.  Wait for baby to fall asleep.  Wait for baby to fall asleep.  Wait for baby to fall asleep.  Wait for baby to fall asleep.  Wait for baby to fall asleep.  Wait for baby to fall asleep.  Wait for baby to fall asleep.  Wait for baby to fall asleep.

21.  Discover laser level emits sound which could piece the barriers of space and time whenever it is turned on.  Blame husband.  For waking baby and also all other problems in entire world.

22.  Have protracted argument with husband regarding placement of curtain rod, in which you declare he does’t know anything about interior design, your aesthetic, good taste, the english language, curtains, or baseball. Have him explain you may not grasp the properties of basic physics.  Explain you got an A- in Physics.  Explain that husband can suck your belotes.  Cry.

23.  Have protracted argument with husband regarding curtain tie backs.  Cry.

24.  After husband declares that no curtains of his will be tied back with deadly baby eye poking head stabbing curtain tie backs, loudly announce “Then we will just have to use RIBBON and I might have to order some more!” accompanied by emotionally cutting chin raise.  Complete by flouncing out of living room.

25.  Admire ribbon collection.

26.  Refuse to walk ten feet to retrieve step stool husband left in front yard.  Balance precariously on chair.

27.  Hang curtains. Hate instantly.

28.  Ask husband accusingly “Where are all the curtain rings that we used to have?” seventeen times.  Fix husband with evil “I know you lost the curtain rings” stare.

29.  Return to Home Depot.  Wonder which is louder, wailing shriek from child you are hauling kicking through store or the stares of death being cast your way by the entire population of greater suburban Sacramento who has chosen today to shop for screws in your Home Depot.  Buy new curtain rings.

30.  Hang curtains again using curtain rings.  Love.  Ask husband “don’t you feel that the curtain rings add the perfect touch of industrialism to the overall look, thus tying everything together in an eclectic, fun cohesive manner which really matches our overall design aesthetic and our personal feelings about life, the future, and the world in general?”  Ignore husband when he can only manage to grunt out a “Huh?”  despite vigorous prodding.

32.  Realize new curtains highlight all now obvious flaws with window, other furniture, entire house, dog, and life.

33.  Dog ear page in Pottery Barn catalog with totally impractical wildly uncomfortable looking $1200 bench which matches new, fabulous curtains perfectly and would also totally bring our your eyes and solve world hunger.

Now, with more pictures! Please ignore that giant rocking chair, it’s going in Eli’s room, eventually.


19 Responses

  1. I SWEAR the Home Depot self-check-out stations are the worst of all retail stores.

  2. Pictures? 🙂

    And I love Pottery Barn like crazy.

  3. VERY nice! And I love the shelves you’ve got in there.

  4. That is the funniest thing I have read in ages. Not that it hits close to home for me or anything like that. NOT AT ALL.

    Looks great! I like the big rocking chair, actually.

  5. I hate hate hate hate hate how something like curtains (or a bench) turns into the thing that will Fill The Hole In My Life. I HATE it, yet I am totally suckered into it every single time.

    Your curtains are my portable crib bedding.

    But those curtains DO look awesome. Perhaps they filled the hole after all?

  6. You are better and stronger than me.

    My curtain story:

    move into house with big giant windows
    realize that society expects those windows covered
    smile thinly at mother-in-law’s suggestion to go curtain shopping at jc penney
    put off deciding on anything with m-i-l with horrible non-feminist excuse that husband must approve it
    feel like a crappy feminist, hate self
    breathe a sigh of relief when m-i-l returns home, 900 miles away
    have 3 years go by with no window coverings on any window in house
    decide you like this, because you heard that Dutch people don’t cover their windows, and this gives you a postmodern European open communal aesthetic that matches political convictions pretty well
    cower in fear about m-i-l’s next visit

  7. Oh this just killed me. Especially with the Home Depot checkout (HATE) and the Dirtiest Walmart.

    Thank you for making me laugh until I cried.

  8. We have a BIlibo and that caterpillar, too! Does Eli ignore the Biligo as much as Jackson does?

    Your post was hilarious!

  9. Brilliant.

    And hanging curtains is damn near impossible.

  10. Add in dogs that cut out the chair from underneath you and remove the babeh and you have my house/situation!

    The curtains look lovely; kudos for surviving!

  11. My experience is a mixture of yours and Bazu’s. HILARIOUS.

    I hate that caterpillar (it’s Georgia’s fault), but I love the curtains. need more pictures!

  12. Minion of Satan, indeed! And I can’t even buy one single candy bar at the grocery check-out without summoning all manner of employees to the front, let alone a six-foot pole afixed with decorative doo-hickeys.

  13. I’m really, really hoping that you poked AT LEAST one Home Depot EMPLOYEE in the process! I’m pretty sure that self checkout at HD is in Dante’s 4th ring of hell somewhere – I’ll find the page and let you know.

    I’m having a tough time choosing which number is my favorite – it’s a toss-up between 31 and 32. This so sounds like my house, that I’m not even laughing.

  14. That is a riot. I hear you on that. All our curtains are crooked and have ended in a fight. And now I’m about to embark on finally getting window treatments for our living room and dining room. Ugh.

  15. Ha ha ha. That’s the reason my place has barely changed since I moved in. Too many headaches.

  16. […] knew it took so much effort to hang curtains. But they look […]

  17. I hate the self check out stations. gah!
    love the curtains, and the bookshelf, and the window seat, and waht is that lovely thing that is the most gorgeous shade of aqua, in front of the window?
    oh, and love the curtains. i have coveted curtains from PB for so long!

  18. absolutely hilarious! good thing my boss works in another state and can’t hear my snorts of laughter in my cubicle!!

  19. This was hilarious! My husband and I did about 30 of the 33 steps!

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