I am doing ok.
Some things that are helping:
I’m taking an hour to myself, every evening, and running three miles on the treadmill while I watch the Wire on my laptop. Even though it’s hot as hell, this fixes my mood right up, and it gives me immense hope for a workable routine. I can do an hour every night, you know? I am never going to be that girl who makes herself get up at 7 am and right now I’m not interested in running 8 miles or starving myself to the size of a toothpick, but I can do an hour every night. I already feel so much better about things. The time away, just for me, the quiet, the exercise, the clean and tired feeling I get when I’m done, the nice close to my day, the time to watch something I’m interested in, instead of Family Guy…it’s working for me.
The heat wave we’re going through is very frustrating, I won’t lie, but I just keep telling myself that when it finally freaking cools off, running is going to seem SO easy. But still. So so so so so annoying.
I also switched from counting points on Weight Watchers to CORE, and so far I really like it. Like anything else, it still doesn’t mean I get to eat whatever the hell I want, but it lets you out from under the rigid grip of counting points and it gets rid of alot of bingey foods I can’t control myself around, like bread and diet ice cream and cool whip. I feel like I am headed in the right direction. I’m in a little bit of a financially imposed transitional period – as much as I’d like to throw out all the non CORE food in my kitchen, I just can’t afford that, so for awhile I will still be eating some non CORE things, but I think that’s ok. When I buy more pasta, I’ll buy the whole wheat stuff, when I buy more yogurt, I’ll buy plain.
My mother in law is coming to visit for a week, on Thursday, and I am so excited I might wet my pants. I am going to hand over one eighteen month old as fast as you can say “crankyface” and then do all the things I’ve had on my to do list for a year. Starting with “sleep” and “pee without having to hold someone on my lap.” Thank freaking goodness.
Mr. E and I decided that maybe, unlike the rest of the world, we should buy a big ass SUV so that I don’t feel as nervous when I drive. And we should find a babysitter and I should work on getting away a little bit more, think about going back to school, figure out what I need to stay sane, instead of just descending slowly into madness. Any suggestions on how to find a good, cheap babysitter?
I still wish my child was a tidge less of a pain in the ass. And I wish my ass was a tidge smaller. And I wish I didn’t have this weird frustrated sadness stuck in my head, right behind my eyes. I can’t help but notice that I cry every time I turn on the convention, and I wish at l least one of the seven trillion books I’ve checked out on raising your spirited child held some magic answer. If nothing else I wish the damn child would just freaking sleep for a change.
But at least I feel like I am working towards something. Hope is in sight. The One Tree Hill premiere is in five days! And I have the best readers in the world, readers who take in my embarrassing revelations and who fix so much in my world just by saying “me too.”
You really all do mean so much to me. Your words matter. They are what got me here.