I Hope You Know, I Hope You Know, This is Nothing To Do With You

I’ve got some figuring out to do, myself and I.

I’ve become obsessed with One Tree Hill lately.  Beyond obsessed.  I watched all the clips I could find on You Tube, the best bits from seasons One through Five weeded out by someone with too much time on their hands.  I searched for spoilers online, I ordered up season four on netflix.

I tried to pretend as long as I could that there was nothing wrong, and then I stood and cried in my kitchen, hot salty tears, about passion and fun and life passing me by.

Raven and I emailed back and forth about style icons (mine is Jackie O with a side of Jessica Alba) and I told her about the stacks and stack of spiral notebooks I have in my garage, filled with sheets torn from Vogue and the New York Times Style Section and Elle – reams upon reams of heartstoppingly lovely shoes and satin ball gowns.  Dresses I’ll never own, dresses I’ll never need.

I stopped in Marc Jacobs to visit my birthday wish and I casually slipped a rhinestone bangle on my wrist, and it seemed to hold so perfectly there, a sparkling line across an impossibly skinny wrist, and it flashed up at me a movie montage of what I don’t have…fancy parties and flirting with the wrong boys, a high water booty and a great hair cut, a convertible broken down by the side of the road, ball gowns and romance and manicured toes slipping into high heels, red lips and tall champagne glasses and drunk stumbling into the wrong bed, a fantasy life of clips strung together and backed by Coldplay.

I can’t think where I would wear a black strapless ball gown, a skinny rhinstone bracelet, too tall heels.  I don’t know why I feel so sad. I’m not sure of the moment when my days first seemed to lose meaning. I couldn’t tell you why I have stuck in my head, all the time, Julia Roberts saying – with a catch in her voice, “I want the fairytale.” I’m not sure why I’m having such a hard time with real life this week, why I’m so caught up in the fake lives of two imaginary tv characters, what’s wrong with me.

Maybe this is just what happens when you’re 32 years old and you never go to go to the prom.  Maybe I should just be happy that I didn’t go because no one asked me, and not because my fake stalker ex brother came back from the dead and held me and my best friend captive in my basement with a knife and tried to kill us.

But seriously.  I am wondering, today. Does this ever happen to you?

Do you ever look around and wonder where the fantasy went? Do you ever wish you had somewhere to wear those impossibly high heels? Do you miss them, your dreams? Do you buy the bracelet anyway, and save it in a drawer, and slip it on your wrist, on your most sad days, on days you need it the most, and think to yourself “Someday.”?


19 Responses

  1. This is probably my favorite post you’ve ever written. Because YES YES YES.

  2. Oh of course I have these days. Its hard when you see “young Hollywood” playing with more money than I would know what to do with. I do want the nice heels and the awesome purse etc. but then I bring it back to earth and say well I wouldn’t have anywhere to wear those and I couldn’t afford it anyway-not sure which is worse.

  3. I buy the heels and I wear them! Of course, it’s more often with jeans than it is with the fabulous dress or skirt I pine for, but I can’t have everything…yet! I dream about going back to work as an excuse to dress up. HOW LAME AM I?

    I wish I had more girlfriends around me so we could have a silly party where we all buy prom dresses (or some other fabulous dress) and go out on the town.

    All that rambling=I feel your pain.

  4. I was out with friends Saturday night and one of the things we talked about was life before husbands. Not that we don’t love/adore/want to keep them, but back when we could still flirt, do whatever we wanted, the ‘possibilities’… I have to say I don’t miss those days at all, but it WAS sort of fun to go there in your head. Total Fantasyville.

  5. I think you’re sad because you’re obsessing about the WRONG COUPLE. He told Brooke he was the guy for her and he stood in the rain and listed all the reasons he loved her and Peyton is just a big, whiny, needy victim who may be a great girlfriend but she’s one helluva shitty best friend.

    Phew, rant over.

    Yes, I want the fairytale too. I want the dreams-come-true and the J. Crew catalog life and the vacation home in Spain and fancy chilled champagne. A lot of days I also want to be Penny Lane in the late 60s, chasing love around the country on a tour bus.

    But I also believe in the power of an ordinary life and simple passions and holding hands with a man who brings home with him my quiet, sleepy happiness instead of diamonds and dinner party invites.

    There are fairytale moments all around you. They may be dressed up in something different, jeans and flip-flops, but someone, somewhere is dreaming of the life you have.

    Not to say you’re wrong in thinking the way you do because you aren’t. You’re normal. You’re thinking what we all think. And you’re being honest on top of that.

    But I will say that the quickest way to depress me is to watch Peyton and Lucas highlights. Lord, I want to kick that skinny girl sometimes.

  6. Dude, I was wondering where the fantasy went this morning when I was cleaning up a yellow pile of dog puke off my white carpet.

    I did bust out a pair of Giraffe print high heels to wear with city shorts (and my 6 month pregnant but) to take my son swimming today. Alas I only had to wear them from the car to the pool – but I was fabulous for that 45 seconds.!

  7. Just wanted to chime in to let you know you are not at all the only one who feels this way sometimes. I always have these pictures in my mind of how things are “supposed” to be, where the light is always golden, music is always playing, and everything is pretty, pretty, pretty.

    A lot of times it’s hard to be a dreamer and hard to get my head out of the clouds and appreciate what’s in front of me, but it’s just what we do to live and be happy.

  8. Damn girl, you write good.

  9. All the time. You are not the only one who looks at a movie or hears a song and wistfully things, “why can’t that be MY life”.

    And it’s ok. Sometimes real life gets to be a bit …much and we have to escape to that world where we date the bad guys and are always impeccibly dressed and our makeup always looks amazing.

  10. This is my favorite post ever. I feel exactly the same way – thanks for writing it down.

  11. I can’t not comment on this post, even though i have nothing to add to what you’ve said so beautifully. But yes, a hundred times yes.

  12. Ah, my fantasy life. I’ve never met it and I fear I may never. But it always seem that our fantasy lives are what other people have and their fantasy life is what we want.

    As for the heels and bling, I totally buy that stuff and wear it to work. I’ve come to work with a rhinestone bracelet on many times.

  13. Indeed. I feel this way…. Often. More than I care to dwell on.

  14. I can’t wear the heels.. but you bet your sweet butt that I wear bling whenever possible! (It doesn’t help that I’m attracted to shiny objects.)

    I know your pain and I’m with Raven. If I had more girlfriends I’d want to go out, even if just for one night a year, dressed to the nines, acting like the hotness that we know we are, and living the life that we would have had our story ending been decided by us. So what if the next morning brought us laundry and grocery shopping? We’d have at least that one night.

    Chin up and get some bling in your system, honey.

  15. Wow – this is so lovely, so melancholy. And also so very, very true. I can’t speak for everyone, but I know that I have felt exactly this way – we revel in fake lives – living out the impossibilities we never experienced.

  16. my school didn’t even have a prom. wah.

    this is a great post.
    and not just because you love OTH.

  17. Sometimes I read your posts, and I have to walk away and think my thoughts through before I post a comment. You are an amazing writer, and incredibly honest. I feel the same. And honestly, it’s nice to know I’m not alone.

    Thank you.

  18. Yes.
    I can’t believe I have only found you today (thank you, slynnro).

  19. Oh my goodness! Impressive article – “Giraffe Print Tumbler | StuffChicksWant.com” dude! Thank you so much, However I am going through difficulties with your RSS. I don’t know why I can’t join it. Is there anyone else having identical RSS issues? Anybody who knows the solution can you kindly respond? Thanks!!

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