Killing the Blues

I am doing ok.

Some things that are helping:

I’m taking an hour to myself, every evening, and running three miles on the treadmill while I watch the Wire on my laptop.  Even though it’s hot as hell, this fixes my mood right up, and it gives me immense hope for a workable routine.  I can do an hour every night, you know?  I am never going to be that girl who makes herself get up at 7 am and right now I’m not interested in running 8 miles or starving myself to the size of a toothpick, but  I can do an hour every night. I already feel so much better about things.  The time away, just for me, the quiet, the exercise, the clean and tired feeling I get when I’m done, the nice close to my day, the time to watch something I’m interested in, instead of Family Guy…it’s working for me.

The heat wave we’re going through is very frustrating, I won’t lie, but I just keep telling myself that when it finally freaking cools off, running is going to seem SO easy.  But still. So so so so so annoying.

I also switched from counting points on Weight Watchers to CORE, and so far I really like it.  Like anything else, it still doesn’t mean I get to eat whatever the hell I want, but it lets you out from under the rigid grip of counting points and it gets rid of alot of bingey foods I can’t control myself around, like bread and diet ice cream and cool whip.  I feel like I am headed in the right direction. I’m in a little bit of a financially imposed transitional period – as much as I’d like to throw out all the non CORE food in my kitchen, I just can’t afford that, so for awhile I will still be eating some non CORE things, but I think that’s ok.  When I buy more pasta, I’ll buy the whole wheat stuff, when I buy more yogurt, I’ll buy plain.

My mother in law is coming to visit for a week, on Thursday, and I am so excited I might wet my pants.   I am going to hand over one eighteen month old as fast as you can say “crankyface” and then do all the things I’ve had on my to do list for a year.  Starting with “sleep” and “pee without having to hold someone on my lap.”  Thank freaking goodness.

Mr. E and I decided that maybe, unlike the rest of the world, we should buy a big ass SUV so that I don’t feel as nervous when I drive.  And we should find a babysitter and I should work on getting away a little bit more, think about going back to school, figure out what I need to stay sane, instead of just descending slowly into madness.  Any suggestions on how to find a good, cheap babysitter?

I still wish my child was a tidge less of a pain in the ass.  And I wish my ass was a tidge smaller.  And I wish I didn’t have this weird frustrated sadness stuck in my head, right behind my eyes.  I can’t help but notice that I cry every time I turn on the convention, and I wish at l least one of the seven trillion books I’ve checked out on raising your spirited child held some magic answer.  If nothing else I wish the damn child would just freaking sleep for a change.

But at least I feel like I am working towards something.  Hope is in sight.  The One Tree Hill premiere is in five days! And I have the best readers in the world, readers who take in my embarrassing revelations and who fix so much in my world just by saying “me too.”

You really all do mean so much to me.  Your words matter. They are what got me here.

Thank you.


13 Responses

  1. First of all, I LOVE The Wire. It gets frustrating because everyone I like ends up getting shot in the head. I just finished the final episode, so now I need to find another TV series to watch.

    Running in heat sucks! I can’t run the air conditioning (we have a window unit) and the treadmill at the same time because they are on the same circuit. (Old house, old wiring.) And I’m too lazy to drag a fan out of the bedroom and turn it on me while I’m on there.

    Good luck getting out of the mood you’re in. Sometimes, it’s not easy. And having kids that don’t sleep is never conducive for an attitude change in the positive direction.

  2. Is wine part of CORE? I’m guessing not, but everyone needs a cheat, right?

    I told P that he has one post-baby project and that is installing some sort of television viewing apparatus in front of our treadmill. Like HELL I’m going to run, but I will walk and watch my shows while one of the grandmothers watches the babies and it will be me time and I will stay sane. I will also stop eating chocolate chip cookies.

    You sound like you’ve started some good stuff. FIND THE BABYSITTER. I will be thinking happy find the babysitter thoughts.

  3. What is it about that damn convention anyway? I turn it on, and immediately get a lump in my throat. And to be totally honest, I don’t even LIKE politics.

    I’m glad you’re taking some time for you. I think we all need to, and it’s the only way we’re going to keep our sanity.

    I found a wonderful babysitter, cheap-ish, through the university that’s near my house. I posted a job on their student job board, got an applicant I liked, then checked the hell out of her references. So far, so good! If there’s a college near you, that’s what I’d recommend. Good luck!

  4. I am not saying this to blow smoke up my ass but I want you to know that I was very successful with Weight Watchers and although I followed the Flex/Points plan, I know A LOT of people who have done well with the core plan.

    I’m thrilled you’re making time for yourself. I’m going to have to start doing that a little more. I’m not a mom, just a dog-parent and wife, but I’m learning that if I can cool down and de-stress after work I don’t feel so crappy and I have more positive things to say when my husband comes home… which is good for both of us.

    Keep kicking bootie.

  5. You readers love you right back.

    I wish I could be there to babysit (FOR FREE) but, alas, it would be a bitch of a commute.

    Also, damn if Family Guy isn’t a freaking thorn in my side too. Does he watch Futurama too?

    Convention is making me cry, also. Some effing good speech writers in action. I keep thinking of The West Wing and Rob Lowe, but I think I may be missing the point.

  6. I have to tell you that my son, who is going to be 6 in 3 days, was a HIGH-maintenance baby too. And my first, so I had no perspective. I also had PPD but didn’t know it and just thought it was normal because HE NEVER SLEPT for longer than a couple hours at a time. He didn’t sleep all the way through the night until he was 2 yrs old, 1 month before I had my daughter. I know about sleep deprivation and it can make you crazy – and depressed. Looking back now I can see that so much could have been better for me if I had a bit more sleep or time for myself.

    You’re doing the absolute right thing in taking time for yourself so your spirit doesn’t just go into hibernation for an indeterminant amount of time. Just wanted you to know that I’ve been through it and came out the other side – mostly just through time and determination. My son is still high strung, but a high-maint 6-yr old is way easier than a high-maint 18 month old!!!!

  7. I feel your pain. I remember 18 months being one of the WORST times ever with my son. He slept like crap, skipped naps on a regular basis and got up to eat 3 TIMES A NIGHT. He is “spirited” as well and horribly independent (to the point of taking up SO MUCH TIME) which is a nasty little combo.

    I found once he could talk in at least 2 word combo’s things got so much easier. At 2 years and 2 months he puts himself down for a nap and to bed each night with minimal help from us.

    As far as saving my sanity – I found a 14 year old girl that lives behind us to be a mothers helper for me 1 morning a week (she plays with and feeds my son) while I catch up on stuff in the house and pre-make a meal or two for the week. Also, long hot baths. This way during the week I feel like I have little bits of time for me that I never would have had if I was still doing laundry and cleaning toilets.

  8. I too would volunteer my babysitting services for free if I didn’t live clear across the country! And, I’m training for a 10K, and would ask you to be my coach, if not for the distance. (Reading about your running is what got me so hooked on your blog so many moons ago!)

    As it stands, I can only offer virtual hugs. I hope that the visit by your mother-in-law gives you lots of much needed rest and relaxation.

  9. girl, you have a plan – i’m so proud of you!

    taking an hour a day will make a huge difference, i bet, and when you get to the point that i always do when i feel guilty for taking the time, remind yourself that you’re doing something healthy and you deserve it.

    (i have a harder time with that part since i spend my me-time vegging right OUT.)

    here’s hoping the help from your MIL is a turbo boost of motivation that carries you through the time when she’s not there. it’s so nice to actually lean on your support system sometimes – and they love doing it so, win-win!

    go, blues killer!

  10. Delurking to say that I just bought a big ass SUV and I freaking love it! Yes we spend a little more on gas, but the bad-ass feeling I get when I cruise down the highway is totally worth it!!

    Also just wanted to say, you will get your life back…eventually. When the tot gets a little older he won’t be so much of a “suck your universe dry” vacuum. My youngest is 3 and I finally (finally!) feel like I am getting out from under her thumb. Hang in there, it will get better.

    And keep finding things that make YOU happy – it’s important that Eli’s mom be happy too, don’t you think???

  11. It’s so so great that you are taking some time for yourself. I do hope that you are able to find a cheap sitter (maybe a church mother’s day out type of thing?).

    Keep it up darling!

  12. Anytime, glad we could help! 😉

  13. Ever thought about an Au Pair? generally the idea is: you give them a home and food and a place in your family, and pocket money- £100/pw or less. It depends on how comfortable you are with someone else being in your space, too. And if you’re ready for help- some mothers like to get through the first bit, especially the first born, alone. But it’s an idea. Oh, and generally it’s 20/30 hours p/w.
    Good on you for beating the blues- I can stick a ‘me too’ in for totally different reasons- the opposite, really. It’s so good to read this and keep a perspective.. hang in there 🙂

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