Letters from the Management

Dear Former Ownwers of My Home:

My, what a remarkable commitment you made to planting deep rooted fast spreading vines! It’s stunning, really.  Also, thank you so much for leaving that striped section of hose for me to find! I do so enjoy a good snake related heart palpitation.  I also found that pen you may have once lost in the backyard, your fake purple flower collection, and your broken glass collection!  Neato.

And the fourteen iron stakes you sunk in the backyard? Also pretty special! I particularly love the way the rust on them glints in the sunlight.  I can always use a little post industrialist inspiration in my landscape design.

Aces,

The Management

Dear Dog:

Thank you SO much for depositing an enourmous steaming turd a mere inches from where I spent all afternoon ripping up vines and iron stakes! So fun! And to think, I was just wondering if it was possible to dislike you more than I already do.

SO not a dog person,

The Management

Dear Child:

Thank you so much for the humorous diversion from my arduous tasks! It is not every day that one looks up from backbreaking work to see her child drinking from the dog water bowl.  At least you have all your shots! You should note, however, that I do not currently speak zombie, so may you want to learn a non moan based language if you wish to have your frequent demands met in a more timely fashion.

Love, The Management

Dear Husband:

Please be prepared to throw me a fracking parade for the work I did this afternoon in the backyard.  I would also appreciate it if you would refrain from mentioning the fact that 1. the backyard still looks like crap 2. I smell like a sewer 3.  I  have probably punctured holes in the main water line 4. you kind of liked the vines and wanted to leave them.

Kisses,

The Management

Dear Praying Mantis I Unearthed in the Backyard:

Thank you for not biting me. I know you wanted to.

The Management

Dear Disgusting White Globs I am Pretty Sure Were Baby Slugs:

Ewwwww. Go slug up someone else’s backyard.

Sincerely, The Management

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9 Responses

  1. From Princess Nebraska a few moments ago…

    ” I think I breathed in enough aerosolized dog crap to give me herpes.”

  2. Ha ha ha ha ha!

  3. Hello! I got here on recommendation through Against Your Better Judgement, and I can see why it was recommended – you have a wonderful talent for words – please write a book!!!

  4. funny, funny, funny – I have SO had days just like that!

  5. You are HILARIOUS.

    Would you like to address the skeeze that lived in our house before us and the buttheads that did the demolition during our remodel? Between the half-buried action figures, billions upon billions of shards of glass, pieces of basketballs, 50’s bathroom tile chunks, and foot-mangling slices of siding, and millions of rusty nails and other such tool-related items, I’m afraid to go out there without a flashlight, stick, and helmet… and that’s during the day!

    I’m sure the husband will be impressed, the kid will live to see another dog bowl, and that the backyard will look wonderful soon.

    /needs a front end loader, STAT!

  6. These are hilarious!

  7. Too funny! I found you through “…not that you asked” and I think you’re on my daily reading list now. Yay for new ways to not get work done while I’m at work!!

  8. I see your snake-like striped section of hose and raise you one (1) cast iron, porcelain covered, claw footed bathtub. At first when helping a friend put a water line into his backyard only candy cane shaped white curve was discovered during the digging.

    “What moron buried this J-shaped PVC pipe?”

    “Nevermind, the moron didn’t bury the plumbing, he buried the whole dang bathtub!”

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