The Birds and The Bees

So, Mr. E has a thing for birds.  And it’s not a small thing.  (Hee.)  It’s a large life list making bird book buying getting up at 6 am to kneel in a bird blind kind of thing.  Which is all well and good, variety being the spice of life and all that, because while I will admit that I don’t share his enthusiasm for  the pilliated woodpecker I think it is safe to say that he doesn’t get nearly the thrill that I do upon spying say, the rare and elusive J Crew patent leather heel on sale.  But let’s just say that if you spend any amount of time with Mr. E and in that time you happen to come across a nuthatch, you WILL see bird hands (similar in scope and style to jazz hands but with more exuberant flapping) and this is just something that I have come to accept, along with the license plate obsession and the indie hipster wailing and the constant useful information regarding the population of whatever county we live or vacation in.

You might even say that these are some of the things I love most about Mr. E.

What can I say?  I heart nerds.

But lord, people.  The hummingbird feeders. Oh, the hummingbird feeders.

First of all you might not think this has much to do with anything but we have this asian pear tree in our yard.  The previous home owners apparently decided that the best kind of tree to plant right over a driveway, where one might, say, park one’s car, was the sort of tree to drop heavy fruit all summer long like tiny rotten cannonballs.  BANG!  Asian Pears! Just to add a little something extra, they chose this crappy asian pear tree, because why have it rain avocados or peaches or something delicious all summer long when you can choose a  tres disgusting variety of projectile fruit such as the asian pear?

Also, please note that my child, you may remember him from Complainy Rant 1-457, anyway, please note that I have recently taken his little kiester to the doctor and it is indeed, little.  I didn’t think this was even possible but he LOST weight from the last time we went to the doctor three months ago and he descended from the downright corpulent 3rd percentile of the weight chart and he is now in the 1 percentile.  Yeah.

And the best part is that he won’t eat doughnuts or chicken nuggets or cheese or eggs, but he freaking loves asian pears.  Asian pears and cucumbers.  I know! How we are even related is a mystery to me, but all I can say is that any child of mine who chooses a pear over a doughnut may have been switched at birth.

I’m just saying.

Where was I?

Ok, so we have this wretched asian pear tree and we have Mr. E’s love of birds. Because his not so secret ambition is to have every bird in the greater Sacramento area come and roost in our backyard and crap on all of our stuff so he can do his bird hands and make notes in his nerdly books and call up his other life list nerd people and really just dork out with the birds, Mr. E hangs all these  bird feeders all over the place and they are a giant pain in the YOU KNOW WHAT.  They are filled with bird seed that leaks all over the place and sprouts and causes weeds and attracts god knows what or else they are filled with sugar water and they leak all over the freaking place and he mixes up his sticky sugar water concoction in my kitchen and drips it all over the floor and finally I told him if he leaked any more sugar water anywhere in my house or in my backyard I would strangle him with my bare hands and he could write that on his life list I wouldn’t be too happy so of course this weekend he took Old Leaky and hung it on the asian pear tree even though I told him one hundred thousand times that he should just throw the gd thing out already and move on.

Can you see where this is going?

Yesterday I decided I would take my lemons and make lemonade, so to speak, and I looked up a recipe for asian pear salad! Go me! And so I actually needed two of those god forsaken pears and I was about to go pick a couple when I noticed that the leaky hummingbird feeder which had been hung on the tree had become an enormous Defcon Level 5 Bee Magnet.  OMG poeple.  Literally EVERY BEE IN THE ENTIRE WORLD world was right outside our dining room window. EVERY BEE IN THE WORLD.

Have I mentioned Mr. E is afraid of bees?  Once before we were even dating back in the middle ages we were in the car with my friend Morgan and Morgan is also deathly afraid of bees and she was driving her old Mustang and a bee flew in her window and I seriously thought we were all going to die but Mr. E killed the bee with his foot from where he was sitting in the back seat on the other side of the car.  He said he just knew that bee had to die and he had to do it.  So let’s say there is no love lost between Mr. E and the bees.

When I realized what had happened, with the hummingbird feeder and the leaking and the pear tree and the bees? I will just leave it up to your imagination how many times I uttered an iteration of “I Told You So.” Let’s just say that there were one million bees outside our window and I made it my mission to say one I Told You So for every bee out there and I did not take that mission lightly. Here are two more, just for good measure:

“I told you so, Mr. E. I totally told you so.”

Anyhoo.  Obvs I was still getting my asian pears, bees be damned.  People. I had a recipe! That I had looked up on the internet and everything.  And if Mr. E got stung while he was fetching my asian pears, well, he totally should have listened to me, and I guess that’s just how lessons get learned, isn’t it?

Aren’t you sad YOU’RE not married to me?

And that is how it came to pass that last night, thousands upon thousand of bees swarmed right outside our window, our dog barked hysterically in the backyard, pitas burned in the oven as smoke poured through the house, steak burned on the grill, I yelled “I told you so!” and “what are you so afraid of?” and Mr. E ran around the driveway squealing and pitching serving utensils at the pear tree, while Eli planted himself in the entryway and alternated wailing high pitched demands for an asian pear with uproarious belly laughs at the physical comedy unfolding before his eyes.

The salad was delicious.  Not like, doughnut good, but delicious nonetheless.  I think the pears are really what made it.

Also, please note, the utensils are still in my driveway.

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13 Responses

  1. his other life list nerd people and really just dork out with the birds

    HEY! Which reminds me I need to tell Mr E about the TWO, count’ em, TWO green herons I saw while I was running in the country…

    uproarious belly laughs

    Which is what I was doing while I was reading this.

    You are SO going to rock at writing a book.

  2. Mr. A is also a nerd and lover of a great many of odd objects, animals, and aquatic life. But thankfully, he shares my loathing of all things bird.

  3. People, people…

    All I know is that I’ve successfully taught The Boy to tell me whenever a hummingbird shows up at the feeder. So, parent of the year awards should be directed my way.

    Plus — it was a lot of bees. Like a couple hundred at least. They drank 2.5 cups of sugar water in less than 45 minutes. It was gross, and awesome.

  4. I can not wait for you to write your book. As long as it doesn’t cut in to the time you spend entertaining us with your blog.

  5. HAHHAHAHAHAHAHA

  6. Birds are disgusting. Birds completely creep me out with their creepy claws and their creepy beaky things.

    Asian pears are yummy. Not doughnut yummy, but still. Do not knock the Asian pear. YUMMY.

  7. Those peeps (bird joke, get it?) are right. Write the book. Write the book!

  8. Thank you for making me laugh!

  9. OK, if you add a tube top and Mr. Furley to the menagerie, I’m pretty sure that was a Three’s Company episode!

  10. Okay, normally, I don’t EVER comment on blogs, but sweetheart, I just have to let you know I passed this on to my boyfriend and we laughed and laughed because we know our lives will be exactly like this in about 5 years.

    I don’t remember who pointed me in the direction of your blog but I read every word. And thank you for passing me on to She Likes Purple because one afternoon last week I sat and read every single timeline post of hers and laughed and cried and I don’t know, she just got me. That’s what this is all about, yes? 🙂

  11. I bet the neighbors love you 🙂

  12. AAAAHHHHH!!!

    Okay, you basically just described my worst nightmare. I DETEST bees.

  13. This was a great post!!! I can’t wait for you to write your book either!

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