Welcome to a World Record Amount of Totally Unneccesary Capitalization and other Hackneyed Writerly Devices: Population You

This is a totally rude and ungrateful thing to say, but eh, par for the course around here, right?  Anyway, I think I’m TATGMP (Totally About To Get My Period) (TMI, I know) but sometimes I have these days where it feels like every interaction and every transaction and every brush with someone just gives me a little something and gets me through the day and then I have those days where it feels like every brush with someone takes something from me, and then takes a little more, and every thing just steals a little piece of me and today is one of those days.  By the end of it I feel as though I am almost invisible, almost not really here.

Then I don’t write because I don’t know how to talk about that without sounding depressing and lame and complainy. I would love to be one of those people who is described as never complaining, but dude, that is just not one of the gifts I got when they were giving them away.  I suppose I could Try Harder and all that biz boz, but honestly, I love to complain.  I’m probably better off trying to become the Worlds Best Complainer than making any attempt to cut it out.

Did any one else go through a phase, maybe in Junior High, when every time they said “Cut It Out” you would do the hand motions to go with it, like you mimed actually cutting something with your fingers? No? Guess I was just that much cooler than all ya’ll.  And I totally never do cut it out hand motions anymore, of course.

Anyway. Moving On.

Today is Day Number Five of Gluten Free Jamboree round these parts.   I am not sure of Senor Pants yet as I don;t speak Wookie, so I can’t say if “Eh. Eh. Eh. Eh. Eh. Eh. Eh. Eh. Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeh.”  means he feels better or not, but holy goodnight, this is the first time I haven’t felt like hot garbage in what feels like forever, so yes, I do think I totally have Celi@c Disease. I haven’t done anything official like a blood test because for that I would need actual child care, and if I do ever find actual child care I shall be using said opportunity to sit in a dark theater and eat (gluten free) popcorn and drink a world record sized amount of Diet Coke , rather than having needles jabbed into my veins. But using scientific deductioning (eat gluten=feel like ass, don’t eat gluten=don’t feel like ass) I have deducerated that I am not going to eat any more gluten, and to all the pizzas I will never eat again, I salute you.

Somehow in Mr. E’s extensive Life With a Crazy Woman Training, he missed the session on Proper Birthday Management, and so last year he didn’t ask me what I wanted for my Special Birthday Dinner, and so I had a Total Emotional Breakdown, Elizabeth Style, and so this year of course Mr. E has been asking me every two minutes or so what I want for my Special Birthday Dinner and for serious, the only thing I want is pizza. Gluteny gluten pizza topped with Gluten, with a side of gluten.  And maybe with some more Gluten on the side, in a cup, sprinkled with gluten.

Shit, I’m outside writing this and I think something just bit me! Damn nature.

Anyway, like I said, no verbal confirmation yet but I STRONGLY suspect that Senor Pants got the Gluten nod from god as well because he has gone to bed at nine oclock for two nights in a row and damn! I will take 9 PM over 11 PM any damn day of the week.  Perhaps it is the steady diet of Trader Joe’s Peanut Butter cups I shove in his face on a daily basis and maybe I am just fooling myself but he also appears to be slightly fatter? Maybe?

Although no nap today, suckily enough.  And I think I am going to have to buy gluten free dog food from now on, if you get what I mean, and I think you do, and yuck.  Have I mentioned I am so not a dog person?  Recipe for disaster = Combine one hyperactive, barky, not too bright, filthy, shedding maniacal fence jumping pain in the ass (the dog) with one anal retentive high strung bitchy neurotic clean freak (me) . God. I am so over my stupid dog.

Remember I painted my cabinet blue and white and put it in my dining room? Well, then I decided I hated it, because every time I walked by the damn thing it reminded me of this crazy church in Oregon that we visited one time on a school field trip.  The altar at the front of the church had a clear glass front and inside the altar was an entire lady – what they claimed was a perfectly preserved dead saint.  Uh huh.  It was one of the creepiest things I’ve ever seen, and although I can’t find any mention of it on the internet I swear I didn’t make it up and my cabinet totally makes me thinkof that every time I see it.  I’m going to put some wrapping paper or something on the inside of the door.   Is the birch tree paper thing so over, or no?

Maybe I should just give up and shove a wax figurine in there and call it religious art.  The Patron Saint of the China Cabinet.

That reminds me, when we lived in Ann Arbor, there was a house a few blocks up the street from us which had an entire naked lady, a white plaster sculpture, permanently seated on front the porch. It was so insanely awesome, we used to drive guests by it whenever anyone came to visit, and sometimes Mr. E and I would make up scenarios, how that lady got there, like the mom of the family raised her four kids and then when the last one went off to college she decided to take an art class and she really found her muse and decided she was going to cast herself naked and put it on the front porch and her husband at first was like “man, I don’t know about that” and she started crying and yelling “You don’t support my art! No one believes in my dreams!” and that’s how they ended up wiht a giant white naked lady statue sutting on their front porch railing.

I miss that lady.  I really hope she’s still there.

Also, I would totally say that Mr. E and I didn’t get out much, to explain why were having these fake conversations about Naked Plaster Lady instead of partying like rock stars in the street,  but the amount we got out seven years ago when we were childless and 24 was um, way more than we get out now, so let’s just admit we’ve always been this lame and move on.

Also, this is crazy but I decided to grant myself a little Free Diet Pass for a bit, just until I got a handle on the whole gluten free thing, because I didn’t want to lose my shit trying for some insane combo of no carb + low fat + locally grown + kid and husband will eat it.  Despite that fact I have totally been losing weight.  The jean capris don’t lie.  Crazy huh?  Cut out all cake, cookies, bread, pancakes, pizza, mcdonalds, doritos, pasta, donuts, and cupcakes, and lose weight! Who knew?!

Is anyone else totally nervous that Lindsay Lohan is going to assert her inevitable Lindsay Lohanness any day now and break that poor little Samantha Ronson’s heart?  I’m rooting for you crazy kids, I surely am, but that Lindsay just makes me nervous.  Maybe it’s the red hair.

Maybe “I” should dye my hair red again. No? Mr. E hates it when it’s red, but I could use some extra sass in my life right now. And you have to admit red hair does bring the sass.

Also, if John McCain weasels himself or Unfunny Canadian Tina Fey out of ANY of the debates, I am going to be so so so so so so pissed.  Oy. I understand we can’t all be *Master Debaters, but you know, if you want me to even consider voting for you, not that I’m going to, but you need to be able to at least pretend to talk intellegently about our country and tell me what your plans are.  Boo.

*Obvs the only reason I even wrote any of this was so that I could use the term Master Debaters in a post.

I so rule.


11 Responses

  1. i agree that red hair most definitely brings the sass, but i’m not entirely sure you need much more sass today, my dear! holy cow – this post was hilarious! i do so love the phrase “hot garbage” (almost as much as i love the phrase “hot mess”) and also the use of “feel like ass/do not feel like ass”. also, my new goal is to use the word “deducerated” in conversation.

    you are the Goddess Of All That Is The English Language (at least in my book)!

  2. Hey, you used to live here? I didn’t know that! (Okay, I just finally got around to adding you to my feed reader and I’ve missed a lot of posts, so don’t get mad if you mention it all the time and I’ve just revealed that I’m a total skimmer.) That’s pretty cool. Although if it was seven years ago I didn’t actually live here full-time (being a college student and all), but still, we were in the same town! For a lot of the year! cool.

  3. Your posts never cease to bring me laughter.

  4. I love your posts. They always remind me of my best friend from college. Because you and she? You both share the same brain.

    (And I am totally PMS-ing lately, too. Like, I may kill someone. For reals.)

  5. Hrm, I was thinking Lindsay had turned a corner. This Sam gal seems to keep Lindsay out of trouble. Also, rant away on your blog lady!!!! We come willingly and don’t have to read. Also I LOVE how you you guys just pulled the chute on the crappy camping trip. That is the beauty of being an adult! We get to make the plans and can change ’em as we see fit. Not to the extent that McCain thinks he can change the electoral process no, but things like family camping trips, yes! That is change we can believe in! Yes you can!

  6. It’s not about going out. It’s about being ABLE to. ‘Cuz yeah, Alex and I never did much pre-baby either.

    I’ve been wondering the same thing about Ms. Lohan. I hope she doesn’t break Sam’s heart, she seems like someone special. um…derrr…did I just say that with all sincerity? Gee, I guess I did.

  7. Can you eat this?
    The packaging is pretty. Maybe that’s indicative of the final product. Or not. But it’s probably better than NO pizza. Or not.

    Maybe try it on a non-PMS day when you don’t have High Birthday Hopes.

  8. That diet idea is a total novelty. You should so write a book! HAHAHAHA!

  9. check on pasta queens blog – she has a link to some gluten free blogs. They may be able to give you some ideas and encouragement.

  10. here’s the pizza crust recipe we use:

    that website has all kinds of good recipes that my husband (the celiac) likes and that I, a non-celiac even like.

    I also have a recipe for some really good (and easy) GF french bread, and the awesomest GF chocolate-chip cookies I adapted from a family recipe. You can email me if you want them. Always happy to share a GF recipe!

  11. YAY for gluten free if it solves Senor Pants sleep/potty/weight problems. Fingers crossed!!!

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