I would like you all to know that Mr. E just called his mother to report that I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with a severe case of Bitchitis.
Anyway, I did go, although the internet steered me wrong and google gave me the wrong address and I was briefly lost and oh my god the anxiety. I almost died, literally, the stress was ridiculous.
But it was good. I don’t know if I feel better yet, per se, and it wasn’t exactly like being welcomed into the warm arms of my grandmother, or anything, but the anxiety heart attack I had in the waiting room is over, and I feel enormously enormously enormously relieved. Now there is a name to the crazy (hint: it’s not bitchitis) and it is not just something I should get over already like a normal reasonable functioning member of society. It isn’t my fault and it isn’t something I can fix on my own if I just try a little harder. It still sucks, but at least I have a plan. Having a plan really helps.
In two weeks I’m going back to check on things and see about the anxiety, after we get the depression and the rage sorted out.
Thank you, again, to all of you. Of course I can’t be sure, but I will always believe that if I hadn’t had to post something every day, if I hadn’t had this blog, if I hadn’t been forced to tell a truth I couldn’t take back in a public forum that couldn’t be ignored, if I hadn’t had so many of you tell me so well that you had been there too and that you had my back and that you were there for me, well, I don’t know that I ever would have been able to do this hard thing I had to do, to dig myself out of this pit and ask for help. I am, and will always remain, eternally grateful.
All day long today and when I was sitting in the doctor’s office and my heart was beating out of my chest and I was trying not to cry or vomit, the same words kept running through my head, something one of my family members sent to me in an email last week, where she said that she was brave and strong when she was at her weakest. Today, I didn’t feel brave and strong. I felt weak. But those words ran through my head, and I told myself that even though it didn’t feel that way, that even though it felt like I might die of nervous, that the fact that I was doing it, doing it anyway, doing it at all, made it true. Today, I was at my weakest, and I was brave and strong.
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