Recipe Post Updated

My desire to please won out over my overwhelming laziness and I updated my menu post with recipes.  If there’s something that I still haven’t linked to, it’s because I just cook it without a recipe -For example “Chard” is just Rinse chard, chop up, throw in a pot with garlic sauteed in olive oil, add a little water, and Done.   Although the chard at the grocery store looked awful so we’re having collards instead so already I am living a giant giant lie.

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Going Green

When we first started this gluten free thing, we ate A LOT of beans and cheese and meat.

We still eat a lot of meat because that’s what keeps Mr. E full, but as we sail towards the New Year and a slew of resolutions, I really need to get back in the practice of eating lots of fruit and veggies.  Here’s the next two weeks worth of meals we’ll be eating, and hopefully they’ll help with Operation Less Tight Jeans and Operation Stuff Fewer Chips in My Face.  I’m highlighting veggies in green.  My goal is five fruits and vegetables a day, and at dinner to make the biggest portion of food on my plate a vegetable.

1. Tofu Satay and Thai Beef Salad

2. Grilled Chicken Ceasar Salad with GF Bread Cubes

3. Steak, Balsamic Portabella Mushrooms, Spicy Carrot Slaw, and Marinated Vegetable Salad

4. Chili, Squash, Winter Salad

5. Home made pizza, Green Salad

6. Vegetarian Korma

7.  Tilapia, Quinoa, and Broccoli

8.  Priosciutto Chicken, Spinach and Red Onion Jicama Salad, Ranch Mashed Potatoes

9. Shrimp Stir Fry and Brown Rice

10. Wild Rice and Mushroom Soup, Arugula

11. Jerk Turkey with Rice, Black Beans, and Clementine Jicama Salad

12. Pork Chops, Red Cabbage, and Wild Rice

13. Enchiladas with chard

14. Roasted Vegetable and Meatball Soup

Happy Birthday To My Favorite Supposed Human

Because we’re losers and have no money and have to make our own fun, we always joke around that Mr. E is a robot.

But seriously, sometimes I wonder.

The man is just too nice to be real.

He likes talking to old people. He calls his mother four times a week.  He is the best dad I’ve ever seen.  I’ll look over and see him, sitting with Eli, their heads together, playing some silent secret game or giving each other squirrel neck bites for the ninth hour in a row crammed into a seat on United Airlines, and I’ll be so grateful that such a person exists in this world, and that I get to be married to him and that Eli gets to have him for a father.

He’s so smart, it kind of makes me nervous sometimes.  We’re not always interested in the same things, but he’s so enthralled with the things he loves, birds and license plates and screechy music, and trees and ham, that it makes me interested in those things too.

He makes me laugh a thousand times a day.

My whole day, I spend waiting for him to come home, so I can laugh again.

I can’t sleep unless I am curled up next to him.

Dogs and babies and old ladies and lesbians, they all love him.

He holds my hand and helps me leap and he’s never not been there for me when I’ve stumbled.  I am not kidding when I say that I think I owe my life to this man.  I certainly can’t imagine it without him.

He’s just so fabulous that sometimes the only logical conclusion I can make is that he’s not quite human.

Happy Birthday, Mr. E.

Dear Chicago

Please please please please please please please let this not be the year that I spend Christmas in the Denver Airport. Please.

Please.

However, just so you know. If you DO strand me in the Denver Airport on Christmas Day, my dear Chicago, I fully intend to make the best of it.  After all, there is a reason that Bloody Marys come in Christmas colors.

I’m taking a blog hiatus for about a week or so, but please cross your fingers that I don’t return with many stories involving curse words and United Airlines.

Finally, I leave with you this, from me and Senor Pants.

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How I Spend My Day

6:00 AM – Am awoken by beeping of husbands alarm.

6:09 AM – Am awoken by beeping of husbands alarm.

6:18 AM – Am awoken by beeping of husbands alarm.

6:19 AM – Am awoken by the melodious tones of my child screaming two hours before he should be awake.

6:20 AM – Stagger out of bed, collect child and large stuffed turtle, return to bed.

6:30 AM – Stagger out of bed to get dry diaper.  Return to bed.

6:35 AM – Change childs diaper.

6:45 AM – Am awoken by my child petting my hair.

6:46 AM – Remind child that revenge is a dish best served cold. Picture self waking 15 year old son at 6 AM to pet his hair for 2 hours. Feel better.

7:00 AM – Return child to crib.

7:01 AM – Regard husband with vengeful death stare in order to silently communicate that his normal crashing manner of preparing for work will be punished by death.

7:04 AM – Startled awake by loud crash.  Realize have made terrible error and inadvertently married wildebeest.

7:05 AM Realize that self has been awoken at hideous hour of 6 AM and yet will not be going back to sleep.

7:06 AM Fetch laptop. Read blogs.

7:10 AM Ignore whining wide awake child in the other room.  Read blogs.

7:15 AM Ignore whining wide awake child in the other room.  Read blogs.

7:20 AM Ignore whining wide awake child in the other room.  Read blogs.

7:25 AM – Fetch angry child from crib.

7:26 AM – Cuddle with child and large stuffed turtle. Mentally compose odious and long winded blog post about how all the sacrifices and loss of self and identity and the soul crushing boredom of stay at home mom dom have all been worth it for these 25 minutes.  Wonder who you will offend with post about how great stay at home momdom is, decide against long winded and odious blog post about the joys of cuddling.  Ponder how you would cuddle with oldest child if you had another.  Mourn son’s lost childhood for 15 minutes even though he is still an only child.

8:00 AM Survey kitchen disaster from night before.  Silently curse wildebeest husband hybrid you have married.

8:05 AM Note that husband should never ever be allowed to peel carrots.

8:10 AM Begin Yogurtapallooza 2008.  Wonder how a creature so small can spread a forcefield of yogurt so wide.

8:15 AM Note that husband has made coffee but drunk all of it, leaving nothing but a dirty pot.  Compose bitchy email in head.

8:20 AM Make coffee.

8:25 AM Empty dishwasher, cursing husband for stating, prior to marriage, “I kind of like emptying the dishwasher” and then never ever ever emptying the dishwasher.

8:30 Nuke four breakfast sausages in the microwave.  Burn Toast a gluten free waffle.

8:45 AM Pick  up chunks of four breakfast sausages from dining room floor. Take gluten free waffle away from dog.

8:50 AM Wonder if it is too early for nap time.

9:00 AM Put dog outside.

9:15 AM Eat virtuous breakfast of plain gluten free oatmeal and craisins with toddler hanging onto leg and moaning.  Glance longingly at uneaten waffle and breakfast sausage.

9:20 AM Empty trash while using body as a wedge to keep toddler in house and dog out of house.  Fail on all counts.

9:25 AM Remind toddler that this is not France, and if we want to go outside, we have to wear pants.

9:30 AM Re wash laundry which has been left to sit in washer over night.

9:35 AM Remember when laundry is done that you did not put it in the dryer because the dryer is full of clean clothes. Curse. Do not under any circumstances empty the dryer.

9:40 AM Check email.

9:45 AM Become sucked in by Hanna Andersson 70% off sale.  Decide son must have  thermo blocking fleece jacket.  Search for correct size despite bizarre Swedish numbering size system.  Attempt to quiet child’s hysterical whining because you are daring to use the internet.  Admonish child that you are shopping for him! Note that child is total ingrate and does not deserve thermo blocking fleece jacket from Hanna Andersson.

10:00 AM Note suspicious stinky odor in air.

10:05 AM Change poopy diaper.  Sing several increasingly idiotic and desperate songs in order to distract child while diaper is being changed, in order to prevent child from 1. eating poop 2. wiping poop on self and mother and 3. kicking mother in the face.

10:10 AM Play trucks.

10:30 AM Put socks on child’s icy feet.

10:31 AM Put socks on child’s icy feet.

10:32 AM Put socks on child’s icy feet.

10:33 AM Put socks on child’s icy feet.

10:35 AM Note that cat litter is not for babies.

10:36 AM Reinforce that cat litter is not for babies.

10:37 AM Note that toilet paper is not for babies.

10:38 AM Reinforce that toilet paper is not for babies.

10:39 AM Note that permanent markers are not for babies.

10:40 AM Reinforce that permanent markers are not for babies.

10:41 AM Note that Netflix CD’s are not for babies.

10:42 AM Reinforce that Netflix CD’s are not babies.

10:45 AM Fold laundry.

10:46 AM Give loud tummy zerbets.

10:50 AM Count to three. Toss child on bed.  Repeat, as per requested, fourteen times.

11:00 AM Give up on folding laundry.

11:15 AM Stare in refrigerator.

11:16 AM Wonder what to eat for lunch.

11:17 AM Wonder what to eat for dinner.

11:18 Attempt to pre make!  a dinner which will use up all undesirable vegetables left in refrigerator.

11:20 AM Note to child that he will not enjoy raw eggplant.

11:21 AM Give child slice of raw eggplant.

11:21 AM Note to child that he will not enjoy raw eggplant, even if it has been peeled.

11:22 AM Peel slice of raw eggplant.

11:23 AM Clean up raw eggplant from floor.  Note to child that he does indeed not like raw eggplant.

11:24 AM Talk self down from desire to pack for trip early. Give self a little lecture and remind self that self does not need to worry about packing for christmas trip to chicago until tomorrow night, and that self does not need to obsess about packing for nineteen extra days.

11:25 AM Obsess about packing. Begin making lists.

11: 30 AM Rewrite lists.

11: 35 AM Wonder if self should remove clothes self is currently wearing in order to wash them so self can pack them. Realize self would be naked. Consider doing it anyway.

11:40 AM Realize child will probably freeze to death in Chicago as child does not own fleece thermo blocking windwall Hanna Andersson jacket. Wonder if calling up grandparents and demanding they purchase fleece windwall Hanna Andersson jacket would be innapropriate.

11:45 AM Call husband at work to tell him child has no thermo blocking fleece windwall jacket! Poo poo husbands reminder of fleece PULLOVER, as fleece PULL OVER clearly inferior to fleece jacket.

NOON Shower.

12:05 PM Sprint naked from shower to answer phone. Hang up on telemarketer.  Freeze.

12:06 PM Race back to bathroom.

12:07 AM Sprint naked from bathroom to answer phone.

12: 08 PM Participate with best friend in worlds oldest holiday tradition – complaining about mothers.

1:00 PM Add “meds” to christmas packing list.

1:05 PM Begin to envision child and self trapped on plane for fourteen hours should we survive treacherous Denver airport runways.  Google “gluten free plane snacks”.  Note many pages of useless advice on how to get a gluten free plane meal.  Find Google’s fond memories of airlines serving any food at all oddly touching.

1:10 PM Eat disgusting salad composed of random leftover vegetables and cheese and frozen peas.  Throw out.

1:15 PM Open can of fattening clam chowder.  Microwave.  Forget.

1:20 PM Eat two candy canes, as a public service, noting that they won’t be any good NEXT Christmas.

1:25 PM Envision child losing eighteen pounds due to airports full of gluten.  Google frantically.

1:30 PM Realize self will have to bake for 24 hours in order to save child from certain starvation.

1:35 PM Make life saving recipe for peanut butter cookies made of nothing but peanut butter, sugar, and egg.

1:50 PM Realize only self will eat peanut butter fat bombs of terrifying deliciousness.

1:55 PM Eat raw peanut butter sugar fat bomb dough.

2:00 PM Attempt to feed child nutritious lunch of summer sausage, string cheese, and leftover breakfast sausage.

2: 05 PM Clean chewed up summer sausage from floor, chair, table, and bathtub.

2:10 PM Ask child if he thinks he might like to take a nap. Note child may not be verbal at all times but is excellent at communicating NO, regardless.

2:15 PM Wrestle greased pig. Change diaper.

2:20 PM  Cast eyes towards heaven.  Say silent prayer.  Search house for pacifier. Feel certain child should not still be using pacifier.  Realize self could care less.

2:25 PM Stick child in crib.

2:26 PM Search house for large stuffed turtle.

2:28 PM Find large stuffed turtle.

2:29 PM Clean yogurt off large stuffed turtle.

2:30 PM Pray for sleep.

2:31 PM Fall dramatically to the couch as if so tired can barely stand.

2:32 PM Spring off couch to to action and sprint to front door as UPS man pounds on door and all dogs in neighborhood commence barking.

2:33 PM Open UPS Package.  Note that it’s something I already knew I was getting! Feel bored.

2:35 PM Wonder if world is ready for a detailed report of my stunningly exciting life.

2:36 PM Eat more peanut butter dough.

2:37 Think, sort of, but not really, about putting laundry in dryer.

2:40 PM Check email.

2:45 PM Compose chronologically innacurate time line of day. Post.

2:50 PM Wait for blog awards to roll in.

This Just Freaks Me Out

Eli, 21 months

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Me, 2 years old (sorry for the pic of a pic, I am not down with the scanning technologies.)

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Christmas At Our House

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