I Wash My Vitamin D Down With Diet Doctor Pepper, and Other Health Tips From Me To You

I seriously think my husband may be keeping the USA network in business all on his own.  Good lord.  His dedication to mediocre television is quite astonishing.

This weekend I had one of those moments – I wouldn’t say I am all “Down with Christmas” all day and all night or anything like that, but I had one of those moments when I just stopped and thought to myself “Really? We’re doing this all over again already? Ok, I guess, but really?”

Our next door neighbor gave us free tickets to the amusement park, and we were all set to take Eli to check out the weird christmas extravaganza they have going on with the real/fake snow and the real reindeer and Santa and Mrs. Claus and then Saturday morning we woke up and gave a collective “eh” to the idea of dragging ourselves and Senor Pants and half a ton of gluten free food and hats and boots and shoes and stroller and diapers and backpacks to see some fake/fake snow.  Especially since Senor Pants would undoubtly have more fun hanging out in the riding lawn mower section of Home Depot anyway.  Instead we finished up some christmas shopping which I am now officially done with despite the crimes perpretated against consumers by the shoddy picture frame industry.  Mr. E peeled aproximately one bajillion lemons for Limoncello and we made some cranberry jelly candies that taste disburbingly just like cranberry sauce, which is fine and all but I can get cranberry sauce in a can in about ten seconds and I’d rather not have to stir hot sugar for 45 minutes to achieve the same result, if you know what I mean.  However I also finally made the  fleur de sel caramels I’ve been going on about for months now and they’re everything I dreamed they would be, and then I made some gluten free gingerbread loaf, which I made as a sort of ass largening revenge against the Starbucks Holiday Gingerbread loaf which I crave with every fiber of my being and which I can’t eat, of course.  Apparently my weekend was sponsored by Butter.

I also cleaned the bathroom which is always satisfying as it takes two seconds to clean the worlds smallest bathroom and then when you’re done you’re left with a clean bathroom, and a strong feeling of moral superiority, although I should admit that I never ever clean the tub, which I know is gross and lazy but too bad for you, I simply don’t care. I hate hanging over the side while the ledge digs into my stomach just to clean something that no one but me and Mr. E ever sees anyone, and if you know my husband you’d know that he could take a shower in a mud pit and not notice.  Also, can’t someone invent some kind of tub cleaning bomb?  Where you  fill the tub with water and then throw the tub cleaning bomb in it and then it blasts the tub clean?  Sounds like genius to me.  Get on that, someone.

I also got my third ever blog present from my friend Tricia and I was once again stunned by the thoughtfullness of the interwebs.  I  have to say, just because I’m neurotic, that I hope you know that I do NOT, in any universe, expect or suppose that ANYONE sends me anything from any of these lists I post, and that my $25 and under list was not a giant hint that I expected gifts from anyone.  Believe me, your words and comments and the fact that you read this drivel at all and that some of you purport to enjoy it is more than I imagine or expect anyone would do.  But the fact is that a large Smith and Hawken box arrived here Saturday morning and I must admit that I first remarked (quite unkindly) that I hoped my mother had not send me anther G.D. wreath as I already had a G. D. wreath hanging right on my front door, and so imagine my suprise when  inside was the watering can from my gift blog post – and then when I saw Tricia had sent it to me I was just totally blown away by her thoughtfulness. I won’t lie, I got a little misty eyed.  The woman has her hands full with two little whippersnappers and her own christmas hoo ha and just plain living her life and I really did think it was just the sweetest kindest most thoughtful thing for her to do, to think of me and go out of her way like that – just to be nice.  That meant a lot.  Thank you, T.

Mr. E is leaving tomorrow at the ass crack of dawn for work – he’ll be gone for a week in San Diego. Hold Me.  I plan on watching a lot of Oprah, even though I won’t lie, I kind of hate Oprah.  I am also going to eat olives for dinner and caramels for breakfast and read the stack of library books I just picked up with my bedroom light on as late as I want! Like 10:30 PM at night, even.

I would remind everyone of my fierce dog and of my connections to the Jewish Mafia, and ask you please not to murder me, but I’m about to spend five days with a teething 22 month old, with the chance of rain set at 90%, and the chance of me getting my period at 100% (TMI alert, I know), so I think by the end of this week I may very well be wishing for death.

Send me lots of encouraging emails, and when I don’t write back, know that I am thinking up really funny, smart witty replies in my head, and as soon as I get that implant they keep promising, I’ll start writing back directly from my brain.   And won’t that be fun.


13 Responses

  1. I had a moment yesterday where I suddenly thought, “Wait a minute. This is just a holiday we celebrate because we’ve DECIDED to celebrate it. None of this is inherently necessary. All this scrambling is CULTURALLY SELF-IMPOSED.” It was a…bad moment.

  2. Five days with a teething 22-month-old? I wouldn’t blame you if you fed HIM olives for dinner and caramels for breakfast and stuck HIM in front of Oprah for the entire time Mr. E. is gone. Yikes.

  3. A tub-bomb is the most excellent idea I’ve heard all month! Why does that not already exist??? Seriously, why?

  4. Hey….no worries…I got you that gift b/c I lurve you and SOMEone should be paying you (even if just in watering cans) for being a ray of light in my week! Plus, seriously? That list? The awesome. It helped me TONS & is yet another reason you should be getting paid for this stuff.

    And yeah…would someone PLEASE get on the tub bomb??!!! I don’t ever clean my tub either—maybe when I move into a place & 1x every year (or two) after that!!

  5. Isn’t the tub self cleaning? If you shower in it and use soap that doesn’t count? Shoot.

    You’re writing is always so good, but this randomness was spectacular. 🙂

  6. maybe the benadryl fairy will visit Senor Pants to give you a small respite?

    not that i ever resort to medicine that makes my child sleep when dealing with teething.


  7. Deep breaths for the upcoming week. And way to get stuff done! I am so unbelievably behind that it’s freaking me out… CHRISTMAS IS IN ONE WEEK.

  8. I had to stop reading your post and immediately leave comment when I got to this part: “we made some cranberry jelly candies” and then “I also finally made the fleur de sel caramels”….for the record, I am officially in awe of your Christmastime candy-making efforts. I can barely make spice cake. Really. You have some serious skills.

    Now back to reading the rest of your post. You’ve already made me laugh 5 times, btw. Thanks for that!

  9. I have nothing witty myself to add, but you make me laugh. A lot. I was giggling like a fool while I read this, as my husband was upstairs at the other computer grumbling about mortgage payments and other such drivel. Thanks for helping me tune him out.

  10. You have some insanely nice readers, but that’s because you’re kind of insanely wonderful yourself.

  11. I remember during one particularly frenzied cleaning of our house I filled a tub with hot water and bleach, let it sit for about two hours (while I cleaned other rooms) and then drained it. Worked like a charm. But you have to be careful and make sure the area is ventilated (or don’t use an insance amount of bleach like I did). I hate, hate, hate cleaning our bathrooms.

    I hate Christmas too. I can’t wait for this holiday to be over – what is wrong with me?

    Maybe some caramels would help…must get on that. 🙂

  12. Dang, I want reader presents now, too! How sweet!

  13. Caramels for breakfast? You must be related to me. I ADORE caramel. I could eat it on toast, I swear!! Now, this caramel recipe that you speak of……have you shared it with us? I will sooo be searching your archives now!

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