Seeing Red

Good lard, is it ever going to stop raining?

I feel like an ass complaining about our weather here in sunny California because for the most of the year we have god’s own weather, and anyway, I don’t really mind rain, for all practical purposes, but the fact that it just KEEPS raining has gotten tres old, and even worse, it is preventing me from working on my projects! And I do so love a good project and being kept from them is just ticking me off.

The good news is that all the rain forced Mr. E out of his man coma and in the spaces in between American Idol and Family Guy he called the tree guy and the asian pear tree is gone! (Sorry, Maggie).  And now we have a new orange tree named Simone who has come to live with us instead.   I should note that I felt strongly that the orange tree was named Simon, but Mr. E informed me that, actually, our tree is a girl.  So Simone it is.  Also,  in case you were wondering, our lemon tree is named Donna.

We also put a rain chain up which is my new favorite thing ever, and Mr. E put up gutters all over the whole house.   For that he is officially my hero, and I think it is important to note here that he only made ONE joke about his mind being in/on the gutters and such willpower really should be applauded.  Although I hadn’t thought to look at Target when I went to scope out the Orla Kiely bits they had (not really my taste, sadly) I found some faux copper rain chains and into the cart those went.  Although I was conflicted about the faux copper situation, in the end I felt it was for the best,  because 1. they are $45 dollars each instead of $110 dollars each and and I am not made of money and 2. Although we live in a good neighborhood, it’s maybe not the BEST neighborhood of all time, and I felt it might be ill advised to hang a giant wad of copper in my front yard, as if to beckon “Steal Me” to every ne’er do well in the tri county area.

If it ever stops raining, Mr. E is going to do some fancy hoo ha over there on the side yard involving dirt and a rented roller and water and grading and fill dirt and pea gravel and cement tunnels and drilling and such.  I would say that my part of that project is going to be calling the dirt store and ordering a big pile of rocks, but we all know I’m totally not going to call the dirt store.  I will, however, be in charge of harrassing Mr. E day and night until HE calls the dirt store, so I think you’ll agree my contributions to the project will be invaluable.

So, if it ever stops raining.  I have window boxes to put up, and I’ve picked out a new lawnmower that come with a battery and can be folded up to fit into my tiny garage! I have all my paint ready, waiting to paint my blanket chest and the trim on the front of my house.  I need to find a bench and a cute little table for the side yard, and some kind of edging, to keep the gravel in, which has been way more annoying of a project than you might think.  I painted the valentine’s day birdhouse green, but I think I might repaint it blue. Aqua. Turquoise. Whatever.  I’m not sold on the green.  I have a shitload of bulbs to plant and it is my fondest desire that this summer marks the beginning of my reputation around these here parts as “that crazy dahlia lady.”

Once all of that gets done and I con Mr. E into letting me buy an overpriced and useless garden orb, then we can move on to the front door project.  Myintense desire for a new non sucky front door is tempered only by the knowledge that Mr. E is going to hate every minute of that project and you’ll be able to hear his endless wads of bitching from, like, SPACE.

IF it ever stops raining, I’m also going to tile my front steps, which are currently the most ugly cement grey ever.  Unfortunately you would think I had chosen to pave the damn things in diamonds –  I have been searching for terra cotta tile for weeks now and every time I ask a store employee if they carry terra cotta tile they just give me a confused look and a sad shake of the head.  Of course this morning as Eli and I ventured into a windstorm to eke out our Monday morning run, I passed a house that’s been totally demoed and is being restuccoed and they’re working on the steps which they are, of course, tiling in TERRA COTTA. THE TERRA COTTA TILES ARE HAUNTING ME.

And I totally would have asked them where they got them but no one was around.  And please don’t ask if I’ve called tile stores to inquire whether or not they have terra cotta tiles, of course I haven’t.  That would make way too much sense.  Instead I like to bitch about it to anyone who will listen and wander forlornly up and down the aisles of Lowe’s with a sad, weary sort of shuffle, hoping that some day, as if by magic, one of the most common building materials OF ALL TIME will appear magically before me in the building materials warehouse store which is filled with every builidng material one could imagine except FREAKING TERRA COTTA TILE.  Also, please note that if I wanted my front steps to look like the front steps of a whorehouse as designed by Carmela Soprana, Lowe’s would so be hooking me up right now.

So, to review. I’ve got a bad painting jones, and it won’t stop raining, and someday soon I hope to have a very cute side yard, and then I’ll show you all a picture of it, and in the meantime, I ain’t got no tile.

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9 Responses

  1. This answers the majority of the questions in my e-mail, if not all, so feel free to not reply. 🙂

    Sorry about all the rain! We are still on the roller coaster of is it winter or is it spring around here, but I think I am going to have to just start on the yard and hope for a lack of freeze. The weeds are OUT OF CONTROL and I want my patio back. See also my herb garden.

  2. Well now I have no good reason to visit you.

  3. JEALOUS! We’d take the ran in a HEARTBEAT!

    I’ve got such huge plans for my front and back yards… but they all involved heavy machinery, someone with landscaping sense (that can describe my wants with technical terms, not mine terms which tend to be “thingy” and “doo-hicky.”), some free time, spare change, and two dogs that would poop in a designated area instead of wherever they darn well please.

    I can’t wait to hear more stories! Congrats on your new tree… we hope to have some soon, too!

  4. I’m not working all week. I wish it would rain here!

  5. Dude, just be thankful you don’t still live in the Pacific NW! I’d just like to, you know, go get my mail without looking like a drowned rat.

  6. I love that you named your orange tree Simone. I don’t have an orange tree, but I may start naming my citrus fruit.

  7. I’m still laughing hysterically from “man coma”.

    Good luck with the projects…they all sound fabulous, of course.

  8. It sounds like your home is really coming along – I wish I could say the same for mine! Hey – you might try asking for Mexican tile instead of terracotta tile. When we lived in San Diego that appeared to be its nom de plume at Home Depot and Lowe’s. I know not why.

  9. You are killin’ me! This post might be one of your funniest yet. I totally get when you can’t find what you want WHEN you want it. Drives me effing nuts. And when you have money? Forget about finding anything you actually want to BUY. Murphy’s Law can bite it. 😉

    Have you tried looking online for the tile? I know it might cost a lot to get it delivered to you, but generally, things cost less online anyway so it could balance out? Good luck! Can’t wait to see pics of your projects complete…you know, when it stops RAINING.

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