Chin Up

Holy goodnight.  What a week.

This was a week of family visitors – the good kind.  And family emails – the not so good kind.  But both the kind that leave you drop dead bone tired exhausted, where at the end of the week you are surrounded by all the things you must do every day just to keep your head above water, the things you’ve been ignoring all week –  the laundry and the always growing grass and the plants that need gallons and gallons worth of watering.

A week where a fourth furlough is announced before you have time to finagle the budget to accommodate the third furlough, and you wonder again if you should go back to work, and you hope people know that of course you’d work, anywhere, doing anything, before you’d let your family come apart at the seams for the lack of it, and you wonder if this struggle is somehow something you deserve, if it’s your fault that you actually need what they told your husband they would pay him, if you deserve this because you have credit card debt and student loans and you should have saved more, and you think of the comments you used to get telling you to get off your ass and get a job and you think how much you don’t say here, how many times you’ve looked at the classified ads and done the math and how there’s so much people don’t know about what will work for your family right now, and then you remember that’s why you banned that IP address and that’s why you don’t read your spam anymore.

This was the week you gave your first spanking – quick as lightning, without thought, as glass shattered everywhere and your son headed for the thick of it, and then the instant afterwards his face crumpled and you saw his dream of you change, right there, right before your eyes, and it made you hate yourself so very much.

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A week with a hair cut you aren’t too sure about.  A hair cut strangely difficult to photograph.

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(Why do I do ANYTHING after four o’clock? It never goes well.)

(Please tell me I don’t have Kate’s hair.)

A week where you scream “No!” and your son screams “No!” right back at you and you realize again, you are two of a kind, cut from the same mold, halves of a whole, and it scares the shit out of you.

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A week with first tomatoes, quickly forgotten, because it is also a week with a first “stitches or no stitches” conversation.

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A week with an emergency trip to Home Depot for deck rails.

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And week in which you replay-  over and over – not the moment your son pitched off backwards, but instead the moment last year when the housing inspector told you that the porch wasn’t up to code, that children could fall off of it, and how you waved your hand, blase, as if to say “not to worry about that tiny detail!” and you wonder at anyone that would let you have children, and that night you sleep curled into a C, wrapped around your son, and you listen for his breathing, and you think as hard as you can that you want so much to take it all back, all the yelling and complaining and declaring “I have had enough from you!” and it’s all you can feel, all you can think, that you take it all back, as hard as you can.

But don’t worry too much about us.  We’ll be ok.  We might be a little banged up, but we’re gonna make it just fine.

We’ve got each other, after all.

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21 Responses

  1. Your hair is really cute, and your son is incredibly beautiful, even with a chin owie. Other than that, I’m sorry about the hard week.

  2. beautiful, as always. the haircut does not (in any way) look like Kate. and as for the owie, it will heal (all sorts of owies heal with time).

  3. You hair doesn’t look anything at all like that woman’s because it doesn’t have that bizarre brush cut thing going on at the back and top, and as such, yours is infinitely cuter.

  4. As I read that, I thought about how beautifully you wrote about that awful feeling and then I thought about that awful feeling and decided I’d rather think about how beautiful the words were.

    Your hair is lovely. It frames your face and is definitely cute.

  5. Not at all. Not like Kate. Love this post- so raw and honest, summing up my week in a nutshell. Hugs to you and yours.

  6. Love the hair cut. I actually just typed “hair cute.” How appropriate.

  7. Oh, you’re so good. Why people aren’t throwing you gobs of money to just write all day is beyond me.

    Also, your hair cut is so cute it’s ridiculous. As is that picture of the two of you. Frame that one, pronto.

  8. sounds like you’ve had quite the week!

    your haircut is very cute! and it’s weird how some haircuts just don’t photograph well, huh?

    also, that picture of your little guy with the crooked smile on his face?? so cute i could just eat it up.

  9. Hair=adorable

    Picture of you too=perfection

    This post=makes me want to hug you.

    I am so with you on the money thing… in what freaking world should it be okay for it to cost me more to insure us than the house we live in? WHAT WORLD? We are going to try and make it for the month of August and then I am going to scramble and hope I can find a job. I am so stressed about it my head aches every day.

  10. Found you through Jennie of shelikespurple.

    As the mother of a 4 year old that is going through a holy terror phase, thank you for reminding me it is not all bad.

  11. oh. god. my heart broke a bit by reading about first spankings and the aching that ensues when you want so badly to take away images created by anger and fear.

    the more and more that i read about california, the more i wonder how you and your family are holding up. i don’t know you, but yet, i think of you often. it’s funny how internets and blogs do that to people. i don’t want to sound creepy, just wanted you to know that you cross my mind – what parts of you i do know – and i send prayers and warm thoughts your way.

    i’m going to go and kiss my little one on the head as he sleeps, and appreciate that he’s still too little to speak, much less have an opinion of his own (though he prefers sleeping on his belly and eating sweet potatoes over peas).

    and your hair cut?? definitely NOT kate. completely cute – especially when photographed with look-alike looks with your nomable son.

    take care E-family…. ❤

  12. oh, sheesh, the injuries are just heartbreaking. Glad he’s okay.

    The haircut is nice! and I love the side-by-side pictures of you with the same expression.

    I struggle with the work thing too. it doesn’t make any sense, and yet I should get a job…

  13. I’ve always thought you were a cutie, but now you’ve made me jealous.

    The spankings… yes. Sigh.

  14. The hair – adorable
    the baby – even cuter
    you – amazing writer. You stun me

  15. Your hair is so cute I wish mine would do that without making my head look like an effing mushroom. The picture with your son….too sweet.

  16. My stomach is in knots for you. We had our first spanking last week. One swift, sound smack on the bottom formed out of the chaos around us. I kept my chin strong, but my heart crumpled.

  17. I’m proud of your honesty. Too many people are afraid to put the real thing out there and yet you do it, time after time. You are an inspiration.

    Put some Windex in the chin (mandatory movie reference), your hair is McAwesome, and remember to keep calm and carry on.

    hugs,
    Maggie

  18. I am so sorry about the job worries and wonderings. Right there with you, as husband’s workplace prepares to lay off five of their twenty-some employees. I think he’s safe, but how far are the cuts going to go? I wish I could see the bottom of this mess. I wish I could feel a hundred percent sure that trying for another baby is the right thing given the tightness of money…
    Oh but wait. This is about you. And how I totally feel you. Especially about wondering sometimes who in the world decided you were allowed to have kids, given some of the crap I pull. Sigh.

  19. it doesn’t look like kate. I’d tell you if it looked like Kate, I promise! you and E. are very beautiful.
    And I hear ya on the furloughs. My dad is a CA state worker and that is always hovering over his head. Well, that, and the fact that his home that he bought 3 years ago just appraised at 60% of what he paid for it. So. Yay for CA?

  20. Your hair looks amazing – like the kind of amazing where I would bring a picture of you to hand to my stylist. So sorry about the tumbles and spills, but really, what his childhood without a few little scars that remind us of the bravery we had as kids – heading fast into dangerous places for just a split second before our moms had a chance to pluck us to safety. In a child’s mind, it’s all about exploring and testing your boundaries!

  21. Oh my god, I haven’t read your blog in over a year and boy did I miss it!!! In just one entry I have decided:
    a. you are the best writer in the world

    b. your hair is super cute and so not like Kate’s hair (ps. yesterday 2 ladies on the playground did have her exact cut)

    c. Now that my own baby is a little terror of a 1 year old, I need your wise, honest mom moments in my life

    d. Eli is so cute I could nibble him up

    e. I wish I lived closer to you.
    I have a feeling we would be really good at letting the kids play in the sprinkler together “while mommy has a little cocktail” (in a mason jar of course)

    Thank you for sharing your lives with us.

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