Thursday Is The New Friday

1.  My child is currently forming his uneaten mashed potatoes into hills and valleys. It makes me feel strangely like I’m trapped in 1955.  Who knew kids really actually did this stuff?

2.  We had a glorious two month grace period where we actually got to sleep through the night and now Pants has gone right back to waking up a trillion times a night.  Yesterday after the first wake up of the night Mr. E asked him why he woke up, and he looked right at us and said “Well.  I was terrified.”

3.  What is he terrified of, you ask?  Oh, just the TURKEYS.  THE INVISIBLE TURKEYS UNDER HIS CRIB.

4.  Does anyone know how to perform an invisible turkey exorcism?  If so, please advise, I haven’t had a decent nights sleep in weeks.  Damn invisible turkeys.

5.  Thanksgiving dinner is either going to be Pants’ best day ever, or his worst.   I can’t decide. Maybe I should put the Butterball under the crib and make a big hoo ha out of removing it and violently stabbing it and then cooking it.  Maybe?  God. I should just start putting the therapy money aside right now.

6.  Mr. E is reading out loud to me  from Dairy Foods’ Monthly.  Uh huh.  That’s just how exciting our lives are. Apropos of nothing, we are both totally peeing our pants about the new Push Up that has Smarties embedded in the push up stick.  SMARTIES.  And ice cream.  Together at last.

7.  I caved to the pressure of the entire internet and the free world and watched the first three episodes of Mad Men last week.  I already have the world’s biggest crush on Betty Draper.  Her huge ass skirts! Her icy demeanor! Her smooth blond curls! Her gimlets!  Her tendency to drive onto lawns! LOVE.  I still think it’s kind of boring, although it does make me want to go buy eight tubes of red lipstick.

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10 Responses

  1. I love the turkey talk, and I hope the stabbing of the turkey will cure him of his fear. Why didn’t you blog about the uhhhh, new, hair obsession? Your kid is the cutest, yo.

  2. Totally stage the turkey murder! I think it’ll work like a CHARM*!

    *SARCASM SARCASM SARCASM DON’T DO IT NOOOOOOOOOO!

  3. that is hilarious.

    I’ve heard some people use a spray bottle of water as “monster spray”. perhaps something like that?

  4. HA!!!!!!!!! I kind of want you to stab the turkey and videotape so we can all bask in the hilarity.

    does he say what the turkeys want? if they are hungry, you can make “turkey feed” (like the reindeer feed for christmas eve). If they are tired, maybe an extra blanket and pillow under the bed? if he just wants them out, maybe build an invisible turkey pen in the backyard? i know that it seems a bit extreme, but it would totally be worth the sleep, i think. 🙂 good luck.

  5. My firstborn, as a toddler, was terrified of “the cow outside.” (For the record: no cows outside.)

  6. I just started watching Mad Men too and YAWN, but I’m giving it another shot.

    As for the turkey, I got nothin’. Good luck with that!

  7. I agree, turkey spray sounds like an excellent solution! And mad med was yawny at first, but I just couldn’t stop…and now I’m hooked! All the drama of the modern times with the proper behavior of the 50s (if proper is smoking like a chimney and drinking like a fish while liiking fab!)

  8. Turkeys? Ha! Well, I suppose it’s not so funny to your little guy, but I think that’s hilarious. I heard once about someone who used a little squirt bottle, filled it with water and labeled it “Monster Spray.” Every night they would spray it around the child’s bedroom and into the closet. Maybe you could make some Turkey Spray. Or who knows….you could even use a Turkey Baster. 🙂 My husband didn’t like the idea when I heard about it way back when b/c he thinks it gives too much credence to the “reality” of the monsters…but you know what, when you’re just a little guy the idea of “not real” is kinda hard to grasp. Especially when there are crazy turkeys living under your bed keeping you awake all night. Good luck with that one….

  9. So, this won’t help you at all, but Pants’ fear reminds me of my little brothers: he was TERRIFIED (to the point of fever inducing nightmares) of a Giant Corn. I….don’t know. But, it was always easy to get rid of him when he annoyed me. I’d just throw a rock into the bushes and shout “Oh no! It’s the Giant Corn!”

    I’m so going to hell, aren’t I?

  10. I agree on the “Turkey Spray”…or like rebecca said above: find out what the turkeys want and why have they parked themselves under his crib? and please PLEASE let us know how all that turns out because it’s hilarious!!

    and also? Smarties and ice cream?? GENIUS!!

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