Today

This morning I am feeling hopeless.

I am feeling like I will never ever stop feeling sick.  I feel sicker today than I did last week, and it’s just a horrible feeling, to go backwards.

I am feeling like I will always be the only one to take out the bathroom trash, like I will spend the rest of my folding laundry and putting it away and it will never be finished.  As if I will never have help until my husband needs clean pants.  As if I will spend the rest of my life screaming at Eli to stop throwing m and m’s on the floor and to stop painting on the wall and stop pulling wet wipes out of the container.  Like it will never stop raining.

I know I shouldn’t care about these things, but there is a kind of hopelessness that comes from FIGHTING nausea all day, fighting it to vacuum the floors because you care about having a  clean house, and going to bed with a clean house, and waking up and finding your couch cushions crushed into a flat ball at the end of the couch even though you have explained that it’s important to you to not wake up to beer cans in your living room and half empty popcorn bowls and crushed sofa pillows.

Sometimes I feel like I am going to spend the rest of my life in a tiny house that only gets vacuumed when I do it, which is filthy otherwise, and with a husband that doesn’t help until the laundry falls over, with a dog that I hate, and a kid that I fight with all day long because he won’t ever ever ever ever ever sleep.

Today it just feels like too much.  Today is one of those days I want to go out for cigarettes and never come back.  And I don’t even smoke.

I just want to stop feeling sick.  I just want Eli to stop screaming every single time he has to take a bath or take a nap or have his diaper changed.  I just want the sun to come out.  I just want someone besides me to take out the god damned bathroom trash for a change.

Someone please, send me a Christmas miracle.  Toddler sleep, or empty trash cans, or for the love of god, make me feel better.  I don’t care which one, just please, please, one of the three.

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27 Responses

  1. I wish I lived down the street.

  2. No answers for you. Just wanted to say I understand. I was there last Christmas, pregnant and sick and dealing with a toddler and house stuff and work… it’s really tough. But I survived, and you will too. I promise 🙂 Until then, you have the blog to vent in and I’m sending internet hugs your direction.

  3. I wish I could help. I know this comment won’t really help…but I thought it might distract you, for a few minutes, from a bad day.

    I’ve been reading your blog for a while now, but I guess I’m a lurker. I really enjoy your writing, and am always glad to see a new post.

    I hope you feel better soon.

  4. Yessss, yes, I know what you mean.

  5. I’m so sorry. In the meantime, a suggestion on the vacuuming and the dog hating?
    Every time I was pregnant, the very SIGHT of dog hair made me want to puke, and therefore, eventually, the very sight of the dog himself. So I finally just insisted on getting the dog’s hair cut super short, almost shaved, and I kept it that way until I stopped feeling sick. Yeah. He looked stupid, but it wasn’t that cold out, and I felt So Much Better once I stopped seeing dog hair and dander all over the place. Would this be possible for you guys?

  6. I emailed you. Big hugs, friend.

  7. Oh dear. I have these days too. Goodness knows it would probably KILL my husband to put his damn coffee cup in the empty dishwasher and not the sink one inch away. Also, I wish I lived next door so I could come over and put your house to rights and take your toddler out for a play at the jungle gym so you could rest. xoxo girl. You’re gonna make it (and I hate my dog too).

  8. Suckage, Elizabeth. I can’t imagine nausea while still fighting to make life nice for three people. And I know the couch cushion fight. Oh dear Lord, I know it. For whatever it’s worth, you’re doing an awesome job right now. Even if it doesn’t feel like it. You are. You’re a kick-ass mom and a kick-ass wife and you’re doing everything right.

  9. I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I hope hope hope you get your big Christmas miracle and feel tons better very quickly. You WILL get through this. Hang in there.

  10. Oh sweetie. I’m so sorry – this sounds totally awful! I wish I could be there to help.

    Also, I don’t want to be even the tiniest bit of a nag, but please remember that anxiety/depression is exacerbated by pregnancy and your despair might in fact not be something that you just need to snap out of, but might be something you need actual help to conquer. If you just felt this way for an hour when you wrote this post, that’s one thing, but if you feel this way all the time… well, it worries me. Please take care of yourself!

    Much love to you.

  11. I’m so sorry Elizabeth! I understand, though Im 5 bloody weeks behind you. When my husband had to “come off the bench” and cook last week he made TUNA F”ING HELPER! Really? (god, I hope reading that didnt make you worse) I feel you, and my god I hope you are better tomorrow and for good. This has gone on WAY too long.

  12. I haven’t commented in awhile, but wanted you to know that I know the feeling. Sans the toddler issues, because I’m not at that point yet…but everything else? I totally have been there.

    I’m sorry that you’re feeling this way, and I hope that tomorrow brings a brighter outlook.

  13. I have nothing to offer you but empathy. It’s so hard. Just so, so hard. I hope you’re feeling a little happier tomorrow.

  14. Oh Elizabeth! I am crossing my fingers for relief from the nausea stat…there is no worse feeling and I’m so sorry you are having to endure it for so long. I wish I had a Christmas Miracle to send you, but I can’t even get my act together long enough to send Christmas Cards 🙂

  15. Oh, what a tough time. I’ll cross my fingers and pray for a miracle!

  16. So many days of my life have been spent like this E! I feel for you – it is really tough to pull yourself out of that kind of day. At the very least, lock yourself in the bathroom for a few minutes and close your eyes & breathe – and know that you’re not alone! You WILL get through it and feel better.

    🙂

  17. I’m afraid all I can do is say I’m sorry. And maybe recommend some unisom and vitamin b? My dr. swears by it, but i’m sure you’ve heard that before!

    I hope it ends soon, the trash, the laundry, the nausea, the screaming kid, or all of the above! hugs, sweetie!

  18. It’s awful when being sick comes on top of everything else. It makes everything much worse, and the slide into despair is inevitable.

    I hope you feel better soon.

  19. Sorry you feel so sucky–it sounds really tough.
    What are you guys doing for Christmas? Come stay in our hotel with us! Free breakfast, 24 hr coffee bar and a nice Christmas tree in the lobby. Tempting I’m sure.
    BTW, you aren’t selling this second pregnancy thing very well :). I fear your experiences alone might be the reason behind a family of only 4 grandchildren.

  20. I’m sorry you feel like crap. I’m full of useless information…..there was as study done that showed people would prefer to be in pain than be nauseous. Because that’s how bad nausea sucks! Also, I have two asshole dogs. I’m really not trying to one up you. I’m hoping that having two asshole dogs will make you feel a little better, actually.

  21. I wish I lived closer and could offer some actual help.

  22. I totally understand. I was sick and exhausted for 4.5 months with my second pregnancy, and still have occasional queasiness (though it’s now manageable) and now my due date is less than a month away. It just sucks.

    My doctor recommended watching my diet to keep my blood sugar level as even as possible, and that did make the queasiness retreat a little bit.

    My question for you is: how much structure is there to your day? It sounds like Eli is bored, and you need to be out of the house. Can you find a playgroup a few days a week? A book group? A library with story hour? Just go. Don’t worry about what you look like or what needs to be done around the house. Just go. It will give you energy and a break from being one-on-one all the time.

    In my area there are multiple internet-based moms’ groups that work together to organize activities and provide support. Try yahoo groups and/or meetup.com and see what there is in your area.

    As for the sleep issue, this is too complicated to discuss in a comment, but you gotta get that kid to nap. This is **torture** for you, feeling sick, and having a child who isn’t old enough to be expected to behave without a nap. Pick a training method and stick with it. I know you’re tired and sick, but this will make it so much better in the long run…..

  23. Oh hugs…

  24. I feel the same way except I’m not pregnant, don’t have a toddler and presently have no dogs. So I can’t even imagine who you feel with those added stresses. Part of my problem comes from the fact that I like the house a certain way (maniacally clean) and my husband doesn’t have those same standards. So yes, he’ll take the bathroom garbage out when he thinks he needs to – but this is usually about two days after I reach my limit. I’ve learned that if I want help, I need to let go a bit more. I can’t make him conform to my standards, so I either have to do it when it bugs me, or not let it bug me.

    Of course, I haven’t been able to to this – I know the solution but it still drives me crazy. Hugs to you honey.

  25. I just had to come back, to see if you’d posted if you were feeling better….I’m hoping the lack of posting means the miracle occured.

  26. i so hope today is a little brighter for you than yesterday…

  27. I want to wrap you up in the coziest blanket I have and let you sleep.

    I would be so happy to babysit and take your trash out.

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