1. So it turns out non stress tests are kind of awesome. Eli goes over to the neighbors house (I have a neighbor who watches my kid ALL THE TIME just because she’s so crazy about him which means obvs I can never ever move) and I get to go for a nice little walk BY MYSELF and then I get to sit for twenty minutes or a half an hour BY MYSELF listening to the cool whooshing heartbeat noise BY MYSELF and they bring you a big cup of water with a straw and some crushy ice which I get to drink BY MYSELF while I read a book BY MYSELF, and it’s actually like, the best hour of my day. Although I do find myself thinking sometimes “Aw, this walk is a little lonely and quiet, and I’m a little sad that I haven’t had to come up with an answer for “Why DON’T we have a pack mule, Mom? WHY?”
I would also like to add, so that I do not appear to be a total ingrate, that every single time I go in there I think to myself, hard, “Thank god for this health insurance thank god for this health insurance thank god thank god thank god.”
2. I have ordered 160 newborn diapers (shots out to diapers.com). I bought a coming home outfit from Baby Gap (RUFFLES!) with my gift certificate from NGS and I hit the Carter’s outlet and and I bought Eli a big brother present and I ordered a breast pump and the fluffiest pinkest blanket I could find and a dishwasher basket (I don’t even really know what that is but it seemed useful) and bottles and unscented baby wash and I am READY. Except for that part where I’ll have a random contraction and think “Oh,wow, these are way more horrible than I remembered! Fun!”
3. This doesn’t really have anything to do with anything, but in other “I can never move” news, they are building a new Target within WALKING distance of my house. This means I will be able to walk to the park, the grocery store, Starbucks, my OB, the pediatrician, a doughnut store, and TARGET. If it turns out to be a Super Target I can’t even tell you what I might do, other than buy a lot of pie.
4. Swistle has me irrationally excited about eating hospital food, and if I get there and there aren’t chicken ranch wraps and turkey sandwiches and warm chocolate chip cookies I am going to hold her personally responsible.
5. I am more ready to be able to have a glass of wine at 5 oclock again than I really think I can rightfully explain. Whatever, I come from WASPS, Happy Hour is what we do best. Betty Ford, here I come!
6. I had random “false labor” last Wednesday and Mr. E told EVERYONE. (He also announced “My brother said he just twatted it.”)
Now every day that passes with NO BABY I feel like a huge loser who is letting everybody down. Especially Mr. E who seems to think the main point of having a baby is to get out of work. He’s worse than a fifth grader in January with a huge test the next day and a forecast of snow on the horizon.
But it is funny to remember how in these last two to three weeks EVERY SINGLE TIME you call ANYONE they answer the phone with a very hopeful excited lilt to their voice and the first thing you always have to say is “No, I’m not in labor.”
7. Dudes, I won a Clairisonic face brush thingee from Kristen and all I can say is Holy Pants how fanfreakingtastic is that? I mean, I won something! Seriously?! And it was something really super cool. That never ever ever happens to me.
Mr. E already has a sonic toothbrush that he got because every person we’ve ever known is a dentist or a lawyer but only the dentists give out free shit, and apparently the face brush is made by the same people and my only point here is that eventually they are going to run out of normal things that need brushing with Sonic Waves and they’re going to have to invent the sonic bum cleaner and I can only hope they name it the Sonic Boom because that would be the best thing ever.