The Secret to My Success

So, the backyard is done and it’s pretty freaking awesome.  Like, I haven’t looked at any real estate listings in DAYS.  I wasn’t going to say anything because I’m so not allowed to put any pictures on the internet until after the episode airs (July Ish) and I am pretty sure I’m also not supposed to mention vendors by name and all that stuff and I’m kind of airing on the side of caution because I know Mr. E forged my signature on a bunch of documents and I don’t want to get my shit sued.  But then Maggie insisted on update so here it is.  (Let me know if you MUST see a picture and I will email you one under the cover of darkness.)

Anyway, it’s a rad rad backyard and I love it so insanely much and its got a “shade structure” and I still have my tomatoes and my hydrangeas and I want to know where craft services went because it was scary easy to get used to someone pulling up into my driveway with coffee and fruit at the ready even though it only happened for two days.  Also, I would like to note that I just got the backyard of a LIFETIME and it’s pouring down rain.  Of course it is.  The only bonus I can think of there is that I don’t have to water the new plants? But seriously Sacramento – SO UNCOOL WITH THE WEATHER IT IS NOW MAY LETS JUST CUT THIS OUT ALREADY.

Because I almost never do this, though, I am going to take this moment to say that I am officially proud of myself for how I handled this whole experience – I am not going to lie, I was a tidge bitchy/stressed going into it, but once the cement trucks rolled up and the cameras started filming, I kept my promise to myself and I did not have emotional breakdowns and I did not yell at anyone and I did not fight with my husband and I did not cry and I did not freak out when five different people implied that I needed help figuring out how to make my yard cute and just in case you did not know I am not normally the type to take kindly to that particular sort of advice but I just took some deep zen breaths and said “two days, two days” over and over again.  And btw, my yard looked damn cute, if I do say so myself.

Also, our friends rocked it out – Amy parked cars for like, a hundred years with Pants and even indulged him when he told her that he only eats food if its frozen solid.  (Sadly, this is sort of true).  Her boyfriend Andrew basically saved the entire project and became the unsung hero of the DIY Network when he figured out (in like 15 minutes) the back steps that gave all our contractors fits for hours.  And basically everyone else worked their asses off and we could not have done it without them – I wish I could buy everyone a new backyard because seriously they all deserve it.

Unfortunately after getting a free backyard I have no money (funny how that works) which is really too bad because it turns out that the cuter your yard is, the more stuff you want to buy to put it in it.  Seriously, I just spent 30 minutes convincing myself that I don’t actually need 12 striped acrylic drinking straws.  Well played Pottery Barn, well played.

Also, are you aware that I am now 35 weeks pregnant? This means that I could totally have a baby like any minute.  I alternate between “Oh my god I CANNOT wait” and between wondering if its humanely possibly to just leave babies in there forever because I do not feel ready.  But please don’t get me wrong – I am way ready for pink hair bows and that new baby smell, I am just a little nervous about how Senor Pants is going to do with a sibling and sleep deprivation and breastfeeding suckitude and also PUSHING A HUMAN OUT OF MY CHA CHA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.

And now I would like to tell you something that I have been keeping secret from the internet for quite some time because I am terrified to tell you all – you just never know what could go wrong with these things.  But I think you have the right to know.




Do not ask me how I did this because my only word of advice is: Stickers.  One day I just got sick of changing diaper after diaper and dropping money at Target on box after box of even more diapers when I could be spending that hard earned cash on striped acrylic straws, you know? But seriously, he’s only had TWO accidents.  When he has to go, he tells me, and then he walks in the bathroom and pulls down his pants and lifts up the toilet seat and pushes the stool in front of the toilet and goes to the bathroom and flushes and pulls his pants back up and pushes the stool over to the sink and washes his hands and dries them.  ON HIS OWN.

And what I have learned from this is that 1. my kid rules 2. I am a potting train genius and 3.  when Pants is ready to do something, he’ll do it, and until then, you might as well just bash your head against the wall for any progress you are going to make trying to get him to do something he just is not ready to do and all the treatises in the world on being manipulated by your three year old aren’t going to change any of that.

It’s also kind of weird – there’s an element to this that seems too good to be true.  I actually feel kind of anxious that my backyard might be TOO nice.  It’s just seriously SO NICE  – and it will make such a big big big big big huge difference for us – this summer, this year, with this baby, if we ever try to sell our house.  This is something we never could have afforded or pulled off on our own – and it just feels – like an outward sigh, if that makes any sense.  Like I let something slide off me that I didn’t know was there and now I feel light.  I don’t know – I’ve never won anything and I normally have to work really hard to convince myself of how lucky I am and this time it’s just right there in my face – I’ve got an insane back yard and a magical child and the best friends in the world and Baby Girl is almost here and there were a hundred times this weekend when I just wanted to give Mr. E a huge hug because of how awesome he is.  Lucky lucky lucky me.

Probably it’s good that it’s not sunny because then what on earth would I complain about?

And that’s what up in our corner of the world.  You?


14 Responses

  1. Hurray for the backyard being done- I’m so excited for you! And double hurray for the potty training! Come potty train mine now, please! 🙂

  2. ha, pants sounds exactly like William did with the potty training. Stubborn little dudes.

    35 weeks! wow.

    and yes, I want a picture of the yard. please? please please please? I swear I’ll tell no one.

  3. That’s exactly how I described not owning my house anymore – an outward sigh. I feel SO light. I am SO happy for you.

    I’m not sure I’ve mentioned this enough times, so: I am visiting that rad backyard. I will require a new hammock.

  4. A new yard AND a potty trained child. Sounds like the good life to me:) I sort of wish I’d waited to potty train Kalena because at (almost) 2, she can’t pull down her pants on her own yet and she’s not very good at telling me when she needs to go. Even though she knows the word and sign for it.

    Am very much looking forward to the– can tell me and then do everything by herself– stage of being potty trained. *sigh*

  5. As stressy as that last 10 minutes was, it was a fun day. And I love your kid to death, especially when he says things like, “Here’s the deal: I want to park cars and build bridges.” YOU GOT IT KIDDO.

    And that backyard is amazing beyond all amazing.

  6. You deserve it. Every last ounce of goodness, you deserve it all.

    Now, when can I come and lounge in that backyard of yours? How can we get a tv show to fund that? I’d totally meltdown for the cameras if that helped ratings.

  7. I’m happy to hear you are just loving life right now. Go enjoy that backyard missy…Pants will help himself to the toilet if he needs it. 🙂

  8. I’m so excited for you guys to use your new space! GAH! And I so get the outward sigh. Our yard is fine but just barely- I could go for a makeover big time. Or just a damn fence so the bus load of high school shits stop walking right by me acting like I’m not there. GO AROUND LAZY KIDS! ahem..

    Also, I’m really hoping that I find some luck on the potty training front- Nate went from totally down to no thanks I will wait till my birthday for your bribes… 9.5 weeks, I think I need a miracle. But, not pushing, if there is one thing I’ve learned its not to push. Striped straws are surely more attractive than diapered bums, of this I am sure.

  9. I’ve been checking your blog about 30 times a day for an update and had pretty much decided that the HGTV folks had killed all your tomatoes and maybe you went on a crazy rampage or something. SO GLAD that I am wrong!! So happy that your tomatoes are safe! I can’t wait to see the photos and obvs the episode!

    What I really want to know is did you refer to your baby as Lightning Bacon on camera? That would be awesome.

    Congrats on the potty training and on being so close to holding your little girl in your arms! Sounds like life is going wonderfully for you!!

  10. That is just so fantastic. The whole thing. SO FANTASTIC! I am so jealous but I am also so IMPRESSED that you kept your shit together. There is no way I would have been able to do that.

    Are you going to get a DVD of the show? I would love to borrow it so I can watch it (said the girl with no cable) after it airs. And you are so right, that backyard will SELL that house for you when it comes time. People will swoon and imagine their own tomatoes and backyard parties with broken hammocks and they will just die inside.

    Hooray for something good coming into our lives becuase of the magic of television! HOORAY!

  11. sounds soooooo cool. I can’t wait to see the show when it airs- please remind us!!


  12. I am so excited for you! It’s just amazing! I am so envious and wistful! I would love that to happen to my backyard. LOVE!

    I have to commend you for keeping it together, I would probably not fare as well as I expect.

  13. At 33 weeks pregnant myself, I truly don’t know how you kept it together! I would not have done as well, I fear.
    I’m so happy for you and your family and your new backyard. Can’t wait to see the episode and see pictures of Ms. Lightning Bacon when she gets here!

  14. I am so JEALOUS. I have fantasies about someone rescuing our backyard from the pit of despair which it often is. There’s this whole fenced in area that is basically a giant weed pit with a TIDGE of a veggie garden in its corner, and a bed along the garage that is completely unusable because for years the previous owners emptied ASH on it from their fireplace. There’s the fact that it’s very low and floods whenever it rains for more than two days, and the drainage is all fubared and needs redone. there’s the fact that I have no imagination when it comes to landscaping, and it’s enough of an effort to keep my house clean without attempting to beautify my lawn as well.
    Anywhoos. Jealous. But very happy for you, and wishing you some sunshine to enjoy it!
    Also! Baby soon! Wow! I love keeping up with online pregnancies- it always seems to go so fast!

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