Pants and Lightning

Maggie is worried that I don’t know how to nurse a baby and type at the same time,  and therefore she’ll be forced to endure nap time without my scintillating IM’s about which outdoor cushions at Cost Plus are cutest.  I have assured her that 1. I am a world champion no hands nurser, and that 2. it doesn’t matter anyway, because I have always been pregnant, and I will always  be pregnant.  I will never ever not be pregnant.

I have five doctors appointments this week.  This means I have to haul myself and my toddler into the doctor four days out of five, and I understand that I should be grateful that I am having a baby, I should be grateful I have health insurance, I should be grateful I have a uterus and a toddler and legs and a doctor and medical care and that I am alive to walk the earth and the reason I never blog anymore is because I don’t want this space to turn into complaining.org but can I just complain a little tiny bit about the fact that I have to go to the doctor FOUR FREAKING TIMES IN ONE WEEK?  (one regular appointment, two non stress tests, and an ultrasound.) URGH.

I feel totally unprepared to give birth to an actual baby, and also totally not bothered about my lack of preparation.  Sure, I threw some socks and some Lasinoh in a tote bag, but other than that, I’m sort of just…meh on the whole thing.  I should probably be putting together email lists or charging the camera battery or doing something other than googling “patio globe lights” and trying to choose outdoor pillows, but I remain unconcerned.  At least about camera batteries.  I do have a fair amount of concern as regards outdoor pillows.

Holy Pants! The sun just came out for FIFTEEN WHOLE MINUTES! It’s almost like I like in  California or something!

You know, it’s interesting because people have these concerns when it comes to having two kids instead of one – some people wonder how we’ll fit them in a two bedroom house, or if they’ll fight a lot or if it’s a bad sign that Eli often starts yelling “I like to hit babies!” in the waiting room of the ob gyn.  (Whatever, it’s practically his second home, he has to entertain himself somehow.  I’m getting ready to just pitch a tent in there.)  I’m not sure what this says about me but honestly, my only concern is that I think Pants is going to be really really really really mad if we don’t name the baby Lightning Bacon.  I know this because this morning I said “Eli, what’s going to happen if Mama doesn’t name the baby Lightning Bacon when she comes out?”  And he looked right at me and said “I will be bery bery bery bery bery mad.”

Shit.

Ya’ll remember this moment, because it’s going to become the story of how I gave my children perfectly lovely, dignified, biblical, classic names and somehow ended up calling them Pants and Lightning.

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11 Responses

  1. Uh, I’m sorry, I’ll never be grateful for having someone all up in my shit five times in one week. NEVER.

    Also, I can’t wait to see how Pants is with LB. I think he’s gonna be great…once he realizes that she won’t come out of the womb ready to park a car and build a bridge.

    I seriously can’t wait for new baby. Partly because I want to snuggle her, but partly because I am Selfish Friend and want you to drink with me.

  2. I think Lightning Bacon sounds like a great nickname. My kids names are Kalena and William (Will), but at least 90% of the time I call them Missy and Buster. What can you do?

  3. I don’t see anything wrong with calling the baby one thing “legally,” and calling her Lightning Bacon to a preschooler. I’d be all, “Here’s your little sister, Lighting Bacon! We plan to nickname her Elizabeth!”

  4. P.s. I have your due date on a “post-it note” on my monitor. It says “June.” AND THIS IS THE LATTER PART OF MAY.

  5. If you don’t end up naming your baby girl, Lightning…..you STRAIGHT UP LIE. Just like we lie about Santa Claus and the Tooth Fairy, certain things must be done so 3 year olds think the world is pure magic and bacon.
    ps. one cha cha appointment is hard with a toddler. four? good luck.

  6. I agree, spending 4 out of 5 days at the doctor’s would definitely suck, I think you are right to complain. It’s cool that Eli is taking it in stride, except for the LB thing.

  7. Eh, kids never end up being called what you name them anyways. I’m not sure if I’ve ever mentioned this before in my blog, for instance, but the majority of the time, our Eli is referred to as Brewst or Brewster. For reasons completely unknown at this point.
    I can’t believe how soon your bebe will be here!

  8. Also, I can’t believe you schlep that kid to dr. appts. with you! I have yet to have to take a kid with me to an ob appt., thanks to my husband and my mom’s amazingly flexible workplace schedules. The worst was a time when my mom had to meet me AT the dr.’s and stay in the waiting room with the kids while I went in, and even THEN I was all tense because I could hear occasional shouts and yelps coming from them while I was in the exam room waiting. So, you know, you normal women who can multitask parenting and ultrasounds have my hearty admiration.

  9. Oh this post has me laughing so hard. I am envisioning a fake birth certificate for Pants to see, which reads LIGHTNING BACON in fancy script.

    I only have one kiddo at this point, but my best friend is due with her 3rd on June 12 and I cannot get over how hilariously blase she is about the whole thing. It’s awesome to hear someone else being just as calm and come-what-may.

  10. Oh my gravy. Four doctor’s appointments in one week sounds awful. I hope they go swiftly and involve only the most minimum of waiting room hellaciousness.

    Pants and Lightning Bacon are perfectly fine names. But – mind you – I went to a school where there were kids named Macho and Thunder. As in, those were their real, unironic names. I’d take Lightning Bacon a thousand times over Macho.

  11. I love that Eli is so set on naming her Lightning Bacon – I think it’s adorable! It wouldn’t be so bad for her nickname to be “LB”…or maybe it would, I don’t really know! Maybe it can be his special name for her?

    Oh, just hurry up and have her already so we can see what Miss Bacon looks like!!

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