Are they Quick? Probably Not. At Least There Are Seven.

1.  So it turns out non stress tests are kind of awesome.  Eli goes over to the neighbors house (I have a neighbor who watches my kid ALL THE TIME just because she’s so crazy about him which means obvs I can never ever move) and I get to go for a nice little walk BY MYSELF and then I get to sit for twenty minutes or a half an hour BY MYSELF listening to the cool whooshing heartbeat noise BY MYSELF and they bring you a big cup of water with a straw and some crushy ice which I get to drink BY MYSELF while I read a book BY MYSELF, and it’s actually like, the best hour of my day.  Although I do find myself thinking sometimes “Aw, this walk is a little lonely and quiet, and I’m a little sad that I haven’t had to come up with an answer for “Why DON’T we have a pack mule, Mom?  WHY?”

I would also like to add, so that I do not appear to be a total ingrate, that every single time I go in there I think to myself, hard, “Thank god for this health insurance thank god for this health insurance thank god thank god thank god.”

2.  I have ordered 160 newborn diapers (shots out to diapers.com).  I bought a coming home outfit from Baby Gap (RUFFLES!) with my gift certificate from NGS and I hit the Carter’s outlet and and I bought Eli a big brother present and I ordered a breast pump and the fluffiest pinkest blanket I could find and a dishwasher basket (I don’t even really know what that is but it seemed useful) and bottles and unscented baby wash and I am READY.  Except for that part where I’ll have a random contraction and think “Oh,wow, these are way more horrible than I remembered! Fun!”

3.  This doesn’t really have anything to do with anything, but in other “I can never move” news, they are building a new Target within WALKING distance of my house.   This means I will be able to walk to the park, the grocery store, Starbucks, my OB, the pediatrician, a doughnut store, and TARGET.  If it turns out to be a Super Target I can’t even tell you what I might do, other than buy a lot of pie.

4.  Swistle has me irrationally excited about eating hospital food, and if I get there and there aren’t chicken ranch wraps and turkey sandwiches and warm chocolate chip cookies I am going to hold her personally responsible.

5. I am more ready to be able to have a glass of wine at 5 oclock again than I really think I can rightfully explain.  Whatever, I come from WASPS, Happy Hour is what we do best.  Betty Ford, here I come!

6.  I had random “false labor” last Wednesday and Mr. E told EVERYONE.  (He also announced “My brother said he just twatted it.”)

Now every day that passes with NO BABY I feel like a huge loser who is letting everybody down.  Especially Mr. E who seems to think the main point of having a baby is to get out of work.  He’s worse than a fifth grader in January with a huge test the next day and a forecast of snow on the horizon.

But it is funny to remember how in these last two to three weeks EVERY SINGLE TIME you call ANYONE they answer the phone with a very hopeful excited lilt to their voice and the first thing you always have to say is “No, I’m not in labor.”

7.  Dudes, I won a Clairisonic face brush thingee from Kristen and all I can say is Holy Pants how fanfreakingtastic is that?  I mean, I won something! Seriously?!  And it was something really super cool.  That never ever ever happens to me.

Mr. E already has a sonic toothbrush that he got because every person we’ve ever known is a dentist or a lawyer but only the dentists give out free shit, and apparently the face brush is made by the same people and my only point here is that eventually they are going to run out of normal things that need brushing with Sonic Waves and they’re going to have to invent the sonic bum cleaner and I can only hope they name it the Sonic Boom because that would be the best thing ever.

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15 Responses

  1. During my NSTs, Vivian never, ever, ever cooperated. So I would end up on there for at least an hour, twice a week. On several occasions I got sent to L&D for further testing. SInce she did it every time, I never worried. The nurses always comment on how relaxed I was, and I told them that sitting and listening to my ipod without my 20-month-old son to deal with was a pretty good gig 🙂
    Enjoy the relaxing 🙂

  2. Ahhhh, time to yourself. Ain’t it grand? Good for you!

    I went 3 days past my due date with #2 (#1 came on his due date.) So, you never know how long this crazy process will be. I mean, TRY not to feel like you are letting everybody down. It could be a short road, or it could not.

    Either way, do what you want to do between now and then because you deserve it!!! And thank GOD you have a neighbor like you do. Won’t THAT be helpful in the coming weeks! Can’t wait, but no pressure! 😉

  3. I’ve only had one NST, but it was GLORIOUS. So restful!

    And I have to admit that I saw you posted and clicked immediately in case it was a birth announcement. So in addition to answering the phone with “I’m not in labor” you should title all blog posts “I’m not in labor.”

    Thinking of you!

  4. I feel I have to leave a follow-up comment because I sound stupid up there, what with the implication that I couldn’t tell that the post titled “Are they quick?” was not a birth announcement. What I meant was that when I saw your blog was bold in my reader, but BEFORE I saw the title, I thought it might be the birth announcement. That is all.

  5. I agree TOTALLY about the wine and the hospital food. I CANNOT WAIT!!

  6. I am experiencing vicarious enjoyment of your non-stress tests.

    I am also a LEETLE nervous now about the hospital food. Maybe you’d better come to my hospital, just to be sure.

  7. Came over from Lucky Kristin and scoured your archives and holy CRAP why haven’t I been reading you all along?? Love.

  8. Test

  9. Yay! for ruffles!! I’m excited to see the ruffles!!

  10. Tell them all to hush…it isn’t even your due date yet, for heaven’s sake!~ and Kim went over by a few days besides!
    All I can say is having a newborn in the house again is the BEST THING EVER….and I can watch his little baby face make all those cute expressions and watch him stretch and fart and grunt is a grandmother’s best wish….
    Kim,Nick and Nicholas are here and will be leaving back for Florida in a few days along with the adorable little outfits, the sweet smell of his fluffy hair and the milk smell from his breath and I am going to be one depressed Grandma……
    I will live vicariously through everybodies newborn baby pictures so keep them coming on Flickr when it happens!
    The very best to you guys, and I am so happy you get to go through the magical time of delivery once again . Can’t wait to see how Eli is with his new baby sister, too!

  11. Thinking about you and little LB… and hoping for Mr. E’s sake that she decided to wait until AFTER the long weekend to make her appearance.

  12. first of all, holy cats! i’ve got to move to your neighborhood because a Target in walking distance?? i don’t think it gets any better than that.

    and this: “My brother said he just twatted it.” possibly the. funniest. line. EVERRR.

  13. I, to this day (3.5 years later), still remember how FREAKING AWESOME the single cup of pineapple upside down cake was while I was in the hospital. I sometimes ask if we can go there for dinner in hopes that one will be there waiting for me.

    Oh great, now I’m drooling.

  14. I can’t add anything clever as a comment, but I wanted you to know that I checked out the book “The Luxe” after reading about it here, and I’m just getting ready to start reading.

    I’ll think of you and send out good vibes that you’ll have an easy birth. If it gets too bad, lie back and think about Target.

  15. Btw, they have sonic showers on Star Trek. I didn’t know there were sonic toothbrushes in existence.

    Assign someone to bring you home-made cookies! When I was in the hospital after giving birth to my son, my father-in-law brought me homemade (by him) almond cookies. I pretty much ate all of them. I have fond memories of those cookies, and my guilt-free voracious consuming of them.

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