Still *N.D.B.

I have a doctor’s appointment at 4:00 today, it’s pretty much a done deal that my doctor is going to schedule me to be induced sometime in the next couple of days.  Probably Tuesday.

I have made a tremendous amount of terribly unfunny jokes about how I just want the stupid baby out, but I am really stressed out and pissed off and frustrated about having to be induced.

(I am well aware that it’s normally not actually necessary to get things moving right at 40 weeks – but because I have gestational diabetes, my doctor doesn’t want to leave Lightning Bacon in there any more.  There is a lot of well informed research about how it’s just fine to go to 42 and a half weeks or longer but I challenge you to sit in your doctor’s office and hear about dislocated shoulders and broken collarbones and brain damage from babies stuck half way out and to hear all that and make a different decision.)

Women all around me who announced they were pregnant after I did are busting out babies and yet here I sit while this just goes on and and on.  I wake up sick everyday and it is a major challenge to remain positive while experiencing morning sickness at 4o and a half weeks.  Most of the time I just think “This was not the plan.”

I know “the plan” doesn’t matter at all.  I tell myself “What matters is a healthy baby” and “you won’t remember this in eighteen years when you’re grounding her for going to a music festival in Austin with Matt Saracen even though you told her she couldn’t go to Austin with Matt Saracen” but at the same time, I mean, it is a little about me, right? I’m allowed to want SOME things for me, sometimes, right?

I remember when I got married.  There were so many good memories and it was a great day, a wonderful day, and the things I would have done differently I didn’t know about ahead of time because you (hopefully) only do it once, and so you never have a chance to learn from the experience.  I think that’s my problem here, maybe – Eli’s birth was probably 85% of the way I wanted it.  85% of how I would have chose to have it go.  And I learned from that experience and now I know more!  This was my chance to take that experience and perfect it to 100%.  Except I’m not going to get that chance.  And also now that induction is looming around the corner, I’m also kind of terrified. I don’t want to sit in a hospital bed having pitocin contractions, strapped to monitors with an IV in my arm.  I just don’t.  That was not my plan.

People talk all the time about this emotional connection they have with their body – “oh, my body failed me” or “I felt betrayed by my body” or “I started to love my body when I gave birth and saw what it could do” and I really never felt any of that, despite my slow ass metabolism and my short legs and my endometriosis and the celiac disease and all that fun stuff.  But now I feel like SUCH a failure.  I feel like SUCH a loser.  I’m so frustrated and disappointed.  I can’t even go into labor! How hard is that to do?  For god’s sake –  I’ve already done it once, how hard can it be to do again?

Last week they stripped my membranes (so! much! fun!) and the nurse practitioner said she really didn’t think I’d have to be induced and that things were moving in the right direction, and every time I pee which is now like every thirty seconds, I have a really unpleasant contraction, and I ate half a pineapple because the internet told me to and still…nothing.  NOTHING.

I’m on one side of that line waiting for the end and I know when I cross over that line sitting out there and I’ve got my baby girl in my arms I won’t care, but right now, it’s all just really getting to me.  I am a total sucker for any kind of “it was meant to be” sign and I’ve been grasping at them for weeks, and they slip through my fingers and now there’s no signs, there’s no hidden meaning, there’s just a crackly paper covered table in the doctor’s office and machines and IV’s and and and.

This was not my plan.

*No Darn Baby

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16 Responses

  1. I’ve had two, no THREE, major blessings (YES I will use the use the word blessings) in childbearing. ONE: easy conceptions. TWO: healthy full-term babies. THREE: no plan nor any attachment to a plan. Well, besides having a fantasy of delivering beautifully with no painkillers as doctors and nurses gathered ’round admiring my stoic courage. But no attachment to that, and fine with having the doctors and nurses admire my stoic courage at facing and recovering from c-section.

  2. FWIW, I was induced with my first and it was not that bad. Not that I had much to compare it with, but I heard all these horror stories about pitocin, and it just…wasn’t like that.

    (And, this is worth even less, but my second birth was sorta like yours with Eli, in that I showed up at the hospital basically about to give birth, and that way sucked a lot more than the nice induction, where I had a time and place to show up and the nice people told me what was happening at every minute.)

  3. No, FOUR blessings: a FIRM grip on how many women used to die in childbirth because their bodies failed to do what their bodies were supposed to do. People talk about bodies being “natural” or whatevs as if “natural” = “perfect,” but bodies DO fail, and in fact they do it ALL THE TIME (cancer! heart attacks! babies stuck halfway out! hemorrhages! weird blood-type problems that kill the baby! weird hormone problems that kill the baby! all kinds of things!). This is because our bodies are not sentient, and our bodies have no inherent wisdom or Holy Connection to Nature, and our bodies are going on autopilot.

  4. I’m so sorry. I hope it goes quickly and smoothly so you can see LB as soon as possible and forget all about how you’re feeling now.

  5. Obviously I can’t add too much to your insights since I’ve never actually given birth, but I think it’s 100% okay to be disappointed and frustrated and annoyed. I’d be more concerned if you were just smiling and denying it all. And you’re right, the prize at the end will make it all worth it – I guess sometimes we just have to realize that things don’t go according to how we plan. I’ve learned that over and over again in my life…and I suspect I’ll have more plan-fails in my future as well. Good luck honey – you’re at the end and I can’t wait to hear about your beatiful little girl!

  6. As I told you, I was 3 days late with Hola and 3 days past the day when I had Rt.

    Those 3 days were UNNERVING. We had scheduled me to be induced on the 2nd day past due for 2 days later.

    He went in and stripped my membranes at the appt. and went into labor THAT night. Same thing happened with Rt. (as I told you as well.)

    Telling you again to MAKE SURE THEY DO SOME SWIPING.

    And you are totally normal for feeling the way you do now. NORMAL.

  7. I think two comments is the limit for this subject, but I have also had more than two drinks and so my judgment is a little OFF.

    Because what I also want to say is of COURSE you are allowed to want things to go a certain way, and of COURSE it’s partly about you, oh YES, it IS! But that this is not an area of life where we get to control how much control we have of the outcome. So some women get a lot of control over the way things go, and some women don’t, and that’s just how it is. It’s NOT fair, and it’s NOT how things SHOULD be, but that’s how they ARE. So “what’s okay to want” has almost no connection to “what you get,” and I think that’s why sometimes women lose their minds over birth plans vs. How Things Actually Went. It’s not your fault in ANY WAY. It’s not even your body’s fault, because bodies don’t have enough consciousness to do things on purpose. It’s just The Way Things Are. Your body COULD go into labor on its own! It could! It’s just that the risk of waiting for it to do so is higher than the risk you want to submit your baby to.

    So my point is that if you’re looking for signs, the signs that you need medical assistance, and the signs that medical assistance were meant to be, are present and strong. It wouldn’t be fair or right to count things as “a sign” only when they are what we want or what we consider best or most natural or whatever.

    My tone, I think, is coming across as LECTURING and possibly even STRIDENT, and this is upsetting because what I’m aiming for is COMFORTING and DEFENDING YOU from any attacks there might be on yourself.

  8. I had to be induced and it wasn’t what I wanted either. It was no picnic with the pitocin but in the end we got a healthy baby girl. I hope that you go into labor on your own but if you have to be induced just know that there are lots of us who’ve been there too and were also disappointed at the time. Although I’d do it all again if I had to. Good luck.

  9. Just an FYI, I was induced with my first, and the cervical ripening that they do the night before the Pitocin put me into full labor without needing the extra kick in the rear. I had other issues and needed an emergency c-section anyhow, but that wasn’t the inducing, that’s because my body is stupid and if this were the middle ages my son and I would both be caput. So I’m glad for modern medicine. 🙂

  10. All I can say is that I feel you. I just got my c-section (as in, I am definitely having one) news today. And I’m disappointed. But I also got the broken arm/clavicle/cerebral palsy talk so there is NO WAY as we have gigantic babies anyway. I have been 42 weeks pregnant. I know how crazy hard things are right now. You’re going to do great, however it happens. Big love to you, girl. Praying for you!

  11. I am always in awe of ANYONE who goes past forty weeks and is still willing to hang in there waiting for nature even when a doctor is all, “Let’s get this show on the road.” I never even made it to thirty nine weeks (Eli was born like ten minutes before I was supposed to have my thirty nine week appt.!) and I felt like I was going crazy with the Braxton Hicks and the false labor for hours every night and the four effing centimeters dilated for like TWO WEEK. So um, this is about you though, and what I meant to say is that you have every right in the world to feel frustrated and angry and upset that you aren’t getting what you want in terms of birth experience.
    But I think if I were in your shoes, no matter how much I was willing to wait and wanted it “all natural,” I too would submit to induction rather than face delivering a truly dangerously large baby, soo…. I’d basically be doing the exact same thing, and feeling the exact same way.
    All I can offer is hugs. And the suggestion that having sex worked for me both times, within hours. Well, sex and bouncing on a giant exercise ball for two hours. But! It worked!

  12. As a veteran of gestational diabetes and inducements twice, here are my thoughts. Yes, I was sad I didn’t have that AH HA! Moment of going into labor. But, I think of the big picture….inducements at 40w allowed me to avoid pushing babies larger than 8 pounds out and I recovered VERY fast. I think if you can have an induction and avoid a c-section, IT IS A WIN. Also, you are sooooooooo close to being done with this pregnancy, hoooooorrrrrraaaaaaaay!

  13. Claire was 10 days overdue and I was induced. I was SO upset about being induced and really, I felt cornered on the topic but I gave in for reasons that aren’t clear to me even today.

    I’m still kind of annoyed about the whole thing.

    And, since you know how SPOOLED UP I can get about things that are done for an administrative reason, you can just imagine how crazy I was going.

    But in the end, she was perfect and even though my Big Birth Experience didn’t go down exactly as I’d envisioned it – meh. I got Claire. I win. I beat you all, stupid nurses and hospital administrators and hippie naysayers.

    You’ll win too.

    The only thought I DO have that is maybe relevant and not anger-inducing is find out what the epidural policy is at your hospital. Mine made me go through a whole bag of saline fluid before I was eligible and by the time I decided I wanted an epidural I hadn’t gone through the bag yet and….I labored for 8 Pitocin-induced hours with no pain relief (and really, only the last 2 were really bad – I found Pit to be a bit overrated).

  14. I wish I could give you helpful stories and useful tips and – best of all – the Single Best Way to Get the Baby OUT… But I can’t, so instead I’m sending you mental internet hugs. And I am also sending Lightning Bacon vibes so she will want to join us in the outer world rightthissecond. There’s macaroni and cheese out here, kid! And rainbows! And freshly mown grass and oceans and Betty White and snow flurries and shooting stars and people who love you, already, without having met you!

    P.S. I love your blog more every day, but perhaps never as much as when you reference Matt Saracen. *Swoon!*

  15. At 40 weeks you are allowed to be frustrated and just about anything else you want to be. Maybe the universe will do the right thing and you’ll give birth before the doctor gets a chance to use pitocin. Take care of yourself and L.B., dear, and how are we EVER going to call her by a regular name? Big hugs, beaming support your way ((( )))

  16. I went 42 weeks and my doctor was wigging out and waving around induction orders as well.

    You don’t have to use pitocin. I didn’t. I used mysoprostol instead. Simply a tablet they cut, crush, and rub onto your cervix. No need to be strapped to an IV of pain inducing meds to be “upped” at the doc’s convenience.

    Also – if you don’t want to, you don’t have to be induced. I know that docs love to bully very pregnant women into this and that, but listen to your gut and roll with that. You and your baby can do this. Your way.

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