Cheater

Hot damn, people.  I know this is bitchy, but I am so over the life list.  So so over it. (Except your life list.  I love your list list, I promise.)

And I even have one somewhere, left over from when everyone else was doing it and I needed blog fodder.  I’m sure you can track it down if you really want to, but I don’t even remember what was on there.  Probably mostly bullshit like “take 30 hot air balloon rides in 30 days” and I don’t know about you but I’m guessing all the hot air balloon operators out there are pretty over the life list too.  I picture some dude whose been doing this FOREVER and just wants to collect his golden handshake from the hot air balloon owners and get out of there and never see another hot air balloon for as long as he lives and probably right about now he wants to punch the next person who turns to him and says “It’s on my life list!” in the face, but I could be wrong.

Anyway.  I have carefully observed the evolution of the life list.  (And by carefully observed I mean I thought about it in the shower for seven minutes while also singing “The Chiquita Banana Song” over and over to my three year old to get him to stop screaming “SING THE BANANA SONG MOM”.)

After the regular old life list, we had the Branded Life List, the Hollywood Treatment Life List, the Ironic Life List, and of course what I am referring to as The Best Life List Ever, which I cannot hope to top, now or ever.  I think you’ll agree with that.  However, I have come up with a plan of attack as regards the Life List, and I have invented such a good invention, you guys.  It’s called Elizabeth’s Fake Cheater Where I Only Add Things To It and Cross The Things Off AFTER I Have Done the Things Life List. (I am still working on the title and also who I should sell the million dollar concept to.)

And this weekend was such a super big success in the Fake Cheater Where I Only Add Things To It and Cross The Things Off AFTER I Have Done the Things Life List.  Look at all the stuff I did!:

1.  Talk about vaginas (yours, mine, and ours, but mostly hers) at afternoon tea.  Check!

2.  Scream “Don’t eat that lemon, it was in Eli’s pants!” at my house guests. Check!

3.  Realize I have given birth to Wallace Shawn. Check!

4.  Invent a new catch phrase, courtesy of Amy.  (BRING ME FIFTY CHEESE SANDWICHES!)  Check!

5.  Laugh hysterically when child projectile vomits in husbands face.  Check!

6.  Win Wife of Year award after shouting “OH MY GOD NO” when professional photographer says “Now you two kiss” during family photo shoot. Check!

7.  Eat five ice cream sandwiches in one day. Check!

8.  Hear Baby Girl laugh for the first time. Check! (That one was pretty awesome, I won’t lie).

9.  Consider falling down giant grassy hill at Fort Mason just to have something to blog about. Check!

10.  Discover they make root beer slurpees, give one to three year old, find out that Slurpee cups leak when left under the dining room table for six days, curse husband, child, and god as regards the fact that I am the only one in the entire world who cleans up anything ever and also who gives a Slurpee to a three year old anyway?!  God. Check!

I can’t wait to see what I fake get to cross off the life list next weekend.  So exciting, this inventing shit!

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12 Responses

  1. I love that I was there to witness such poignant, life moments with you. Best weekend ever. NOW BRING ME 50 CHEESE SANDWICHES!

  2. I am WITH YOU on the life lists, and also I like your idea of after-the-facting it. And also, that is EXACTLY how I’d feel if I were a hot air balloon operator.

  3. Your new life list is so much more fun than the traditional one. Particularly when it includes a variety of vaginas!

  4. Oh my god I feel like the internet has BASTARDIZED the term “Life List” and every time I see it I dry heave a little. I’m all for goals and I am a crazy list maker so you would think it would appeal to someone like me but it oh it so Does Dot and I have been trying to find a polite way of articulating my feelings on it but everytime I think I have my thoughts together my eyes start rolling in the back of my head and I can’t stand it anymore and I have to change the subject in my brain. I like your Life List idea much better. This weekend I checked off: Throw a Baby Shower and Take Two Naps in one day. Now I feel way more triumphant and accomplished!

  5. I checked off ‘Teach someone how to wipe his own bottom’ yesterday. Not sure if it took, but I crossed it off, so it must be done and over with.

  6. I’m SO WITH YOU on the Life List front. If I’ve ever considered doing one, it was merely for, as you did, blog fodder. I thought about making a list of goals while Steve is deployed, but mostly to keep my from going CAH-RAZY.

  7. I totally thought I was the only one who was weirded out by the whole “life lists” phenom! And now, come to find out there’s a whole underground movement against them!

    I have spent way too much time worrying about my lack of a life list… and trying to form one… and finding that all my “life goals” are food related (learn how to make macarons, learn how to make the perfect margarita, learn how to make Thanksgiving dinner, learn how to make homemade pizza, etc.)… and then worrying that I am one-dimensional and also fat.

    So thank you for freeing me from the life list shackles.

  8. The worst Life List I’ve come across recently was something about “50 Sexual Things To Try Before I Die.” Included was… well, things I could DEFINITELY die peacefully without trying. The only thing not on there was, like, screwing a donkey. Gah.
    Also, I totally do your backwards list thing with housework. When I feel like I’ve accomplished nothing at all around the house for days on end, I sit and make a list of what I have in fact gotten done and then sit and happily put x’s through them. This makes my husband think I’m deranged, and also obsessed with cleaning, and both are true to a certain extent. But the list HELPS with both those things!

  9. Love it! My friend writes “eat toast, drink juice” at the top of her to-do list every day, just to be able to check something off right away. Your After list is even better. Because what if you didn’t feel like making toast one day?

  10. This is the best list ever.

  11. omg – hilarious post! and i love #2 on your List. i would imagine that with small children, you will probably be able to just substitute another word for “lemon” about every week or so! BONUS!

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