I Don’t Look Good In Green

Ok, so first of all, you know should that I HAAAAAAAATE St. Patrick’s Day.  It is just not for me.

I read a quote last weekend in the New York Times Book Review which I had to cut out and stick in my day planner because it cut right to the chase of who I am:

“Adult personality is forever defined in opposition to one’s natural enemies in high school.”

Which is just such genius and explains SO DAMN MUCH of my personality! This is why I get so annoyed at the merest whif of the idea that playing high school sports makes someone a better or more worthy person.  This is why I can’t stand A Prayer for Owen Meany.  And I went to catholic high school and every other girl there was named Colleen and hot damn did everyone get het up about St. Patrick’s Day, and so one can assume that maybe this is why I hate March 17th so darn much.  Although I am a big fan of drinking and there was plenty of that going on, so there may be a few holes in my theory, but there you go.  Faulty logic is one of my best talents.

Anyway.  I am already crabby because of the stupid holiday, but regardless, the goddamn American Lung Association has gone and gotten on my last frigging nerve.   Because seriously?  A long long long time ago someone I know was doing a fund raiser for them and so I kicked in some cash at her request and ever since then? OH MY GOD.  They call here ALL THE TIME.  And dudes, my husband is furloughed, so my donations to charities have been a bit slim of late, which I would be happy to tell them, except that when I answer the phone AT EIGHT FORTY FIVE IN THE MORNING TO TELL THEM TO CRAM IT UP THEIR POOP CHUTE THEY HANG UP ON ME before I even hear a person’s voice.  Grrrrrr.

And furthermore.  If I was going to donate money, which I am not, I wouldn’t donate it to them.  I certainly wouldn’t donate it to them when they call me at EIGHT FORTY FIVE IN THE MORNING AND THEN HANG UP ON ME after having phone stalked me for weeks earlier, but even if they weren’t so totally obnoxious, I give my charity dollars to Special Olympics and then charities that feed children, and at this point even if I became a BILLIONAIRE I wouldn’t give these jerks one red cent.

Seriously, it’s making me want to take up smoking.

P.S. Even though I hate this holiday with a fiery hot passion, I still dressed Eli in a green polo shirt for preschool.  I MUST FOLLOW THE RULES! Even when I hate them!  Seriously, people, I need help.

P.P.S.  My friend Sarah and I just invented an app that is some kind of button or something that you install on your phone and when someone calls that you don’t want to talk to, they just hear “Unprintable!” in their ear.  Someone please uh, code this or write this or whatever computery thing has to be done, and let’s make a million dollars.  Which I will not be donating to the American Lung Association.

P.P.P.S. In some attempt to add some levity to my most hated holiday ever and to, I don’t know, triumph over adversity or something, I wished Eli a happy St. Patrick’s Day.  He had no idea what I was talking about and also doesn’t pay much attention even on the best of days, so I had to keep repeating it louder and louder until finally, in the loudest, most excited voice EVER, he said “TODAY IS BATTERY DAY???!!!!!”.  Needless to say, next year we’ll be celebrating this.


12 Responses

  1. When I was in my 20s, I LOVED St. Patty’s! I mean, I still love it because it is the poor man’s New Year’s Eve. It is a holiday around drinking and eating AND you don’t have to dress up! I can wear jeans and gym shoes!

    But I think because I live in a city like Chicago helps, since there is an Irish bar on every corner, whereas in SF, there’s like 3 Irish bars.

    I definitely don’t look forward to it as much as I used to, only because I’m old now and have to work and hate crowded bars with sticky floors.

  2. My husband and I get into some rather heated discussions about the appropriate hours for making phone calls. He’s insistent that phone calls should be made during business hours (8 – 5) or after what he so quaintly refers to as “the dinner hour” (after 7:30 or so from what I gather).

    I claim it is just wrong to make personal phone calls before 10 in the morning (if my phone rings in the morning, I assume someone has died). I also claim that calling after 7 or 8 is kind of rude, especially if the people you are calling have small children who might be asleep. Obviously I can break this rule if I know someone very well (so I’m not going to not call my best friend even if her little guy is asleep – I know she’ll let me go to voice mail if I’m bothering her), but this “time to make phone calls thing” has led to some low-level rage in the NGS/BB household.

  3. I loathe St. Patrick’s Day. My grandparents were from Ireland, but whatever, I don’t see how green beer and leprechauns and all that tacky fake crap means anything.

    (although I do enjoy a shamrock shake.)

  4. Oh dear…I hope that wasn’t me and the ALA stair climb.

    I didn’t do it this year, but I donated to my coworker. I figure it’s only a matter of time before they start hounding me via phone.

  5. My husband donated to Obama’s campaign in summer 2008. In the weeks running up to the election the DNC called us at least twice a day. In the three days before the election, 10 times a day. The day of the election? FORTY-TWO times. I was livid with rage by the end of the day (two not-napping babies!) and told them every single time they called I was voting for McCain unless they stopped freaking calling.

    We have since moved to a new house. HOW DID THEY GET OUR NEW NUMBER???? I sure as hell didn’t give it to them!!!

    I told my husband they call me one more time I am giving them his direct dial at work.

  6. Funny, I totally agree with you about high school sports–even extend it to college sports–but if you had asked me to name the top 10 themes in A Prayer for Owen Meany, I wouldn’t have named high school sports. Individual perceptions and all that.

    The next time ALA calls, ask the caller his/her name and number (badge or operator), and then say “Okay, (Alicia), I am making a note that on March 17, 2011, at 8:00 a.m.I asked Alicia, badge #6077, to place this phone number on the do-not-call list from American Lung Association. I will give you 4 weeks to process the request, and after that if anyone calls me I will file a complaint with the FCC.” If the caller refuses to give a name, ask to speak to the supervisor. If they hang up, call their toll free number and ask to speak to a supervisor. Or you could just do that pre-emptively. It has worked every time for me.

  7. I loathe it this year because I can’t drink beer. So, I’m on your side for another week and a half.

  8. OMG!!! He was almost born on National Battery Day!!! How perfect.

  9. St. Patrick’s day somehow manages to be offensive to Irish and Non-Irish, Catholic and non-Catholic alike. I hate the American version of holidays like this that just become cheap slutty/fratty drunkfests- I call them the bead holidays chief being Mardi Gras and St. Patrick’s Day. Yuck and boo.

  10. OMG – “People get a charge out of National Battery Day.” Who writes this stuff?!!

    I’m pretty indifferent about St. Patrick’s Day…I never remember to wear anything green anyway!

  11. I think you are wonderful!

    You’re like my son, who I’m proud to say won’t wear his silly banz to school even though he loves them because, as he says, “too many kids wear theirs.” Could he be any cooler? He won’t wear them cuz all the other kids ARE. You’re awesome like that.

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