Mall Rants

I just got back from the mall.  Therefore, I have to rant for a bit, even though I realize that this topic is about as fresh as a stand up comic routine about airplane food.

First of all, does anyone else think that Gap Kids is suffering from a really really overly high opinion of themselves?  Am I the only one who thinks it seems really really overpriced these days?  They have some cute dresses, and such, but most of the final sale stuff was at a price that needed to be halved before I’d even think about it.  I’m not paying you $19 for boys shorts when I can find cuter ones six stores down for $9 dollars at Crazy 8.  (There were a lot of numbers in that last sentence.)  And the rest of the stuff is just your average t shirt/legging/tank top shenanigans, which I can get at Target for $4 dollars.  In general I am CHEAP AS ALL GET OUT when it comes to most kids clothes, although occasionally I do buy a few really expensive things, but when I see the words “final sale” on a dress I do not expect it to be marked at $17 dollars.  Final sale my ass.

Seriously, though, the prices were better at Janie and Jack, and they’re so nice there!  And they have lots of smocking.

Also, why in god’s names do these kids stores have so much crap packed into them?  I am there shopping for my kids, so chances are I am going to be conveying them in an enormous stroller, just like all the other parents in the store, and yet there’s so much crap packed into Gymboree that I can’t even get a stroller through the door.  It makes no sense whatsoever.

Also, Macy’s was just sad.  What’s up with the dirty department store vibe lately? It really makes me never want to return there again.  Target is clean and has $5 leggings.  If it wasn’t for those damned smocked First Impressions dresses I’d never set foot in Macy’s again.  Take note, Target. Time to smock something.

Last time we went to the mall I ended up with Orange Dream Machine in my hair.  Although I am not going to go into specifics, I will just add: MY HAIR.  This time I came prepared and I brought an empty bottle! Because nothing says “committed to the fight against childhood obesity” like siphoning smoothie into your 13 months old (BPA FREE!) bottle at 10:05 in the morning.  My preparations were in vain, however, because of course after all that the damn child wouldn’t even drink it.

I was a little concerned that the mall (which I HATE in case you didn’t know that) was going to be full of hordes of back to school shoppers, but it was essentially empty, except for giant packs of roaming teenage girls, and you guys?  Those teenage girls FREAKED me out.  They were ALL THE SAME.  Not sort of the same, EXACTLY THE SAME.  Every single one of them had the same hair (long, straight, worn down), the same shoes (sneakers), the same shorts (khaki, SHORT AS HELL NO CHILD OF MINE WOULD EVER BE ALLOWED OUT OF THE HOUSE IN THOSE SHORTS).  There was a literal stream of these girls, like robots or clones or something.  I think one of them may have dared to be a few inches shorter than the others, and one of them had…prepare yourself – BROWN HAIR – but other than that?  The same.  Skinny, blond, tall, long hair, short shorts.

Needless to say, I spent the drive home with manic thoughts of all girls schools and uniforms and violin lessons and math workbooks circling through my head.

Also, if you are in the mood for a self esteem booster, I recommend you not take your dumpy hair and your dumpy shoes and your dumpy shorts and your giant stroller and your ill behaved children to an enclosed area filled with tall blond long haired teenage girls.  Wouldn’t be my first piece of advice.

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14 Responses

  1. THE SHORTS. Oh my they are SO SHORT. So short they deserve excessive capitalization, apparently. And not even on teenagers, but pre-teens! I have underwear longer than some of the shorts these girls wear!

    Sorry, I got a bit carried away there. The shortness just blows my mind, I guess. My mom would have never let me out of the house.

    And yes on Gap Kids/Baby Gap. It’s the only place I can think to go when buying baby presents, and it stuns me how much they expect for such small clothes. Does your Gap Kids also have the apathetic sales people?

  2. My son is dating one of those! I get that particular esteem boost on the regular!

  3. I feel like this was a page out of my brain. I HATE the mall, and this is shocking to me as I used to live in Los Angeles and go to the MANY MANY malls more than one time per week. I loved shopping! Although then I was in my early 20s with many credit cards and now I am in my mid-30s, I have a clue, and I get excited by doing things like opening Roth IRAs — so I guess it’s not that surprising. Maybe it’s just Arden Fair (I have a smidge of love for The Galleria. If I have to shop at a mall I shop there.)

    Anyway, although I can’t relate on the kid stores I can tell you that the last time I walked into Banana Republic they had a $475 purse on display and laughed hysterically out loud. The self important employees kind of rolled their eyes at me but DUDES — you are Banana Republic and there is a Pretzel Time just a few doors down from you — YOU ARE NOT GUCCI.

    Whew….end rant.

  4. Janie and Jack was cheaper than Gap Kids? I feel like I would need to sell crack out of my kitchen to afford Janie and Jack.

    • Ah, no, they have really really good sales, at least at ours, and the end of summer stuff is really decently priced right now. Katie doesn’t NEED anything, but I did buy her some hats, and I think they were $3.99 and $5.99.

      • YES. I got a cute Janie and Jack dinosaur shirt for Henry for $11 on clearance, and it had a ton of applique etc. Non-applique (just vinyl thingie) dinosaur shirt at Baby Gap: on clearance for $16.

  5. I went to Gap Kids a couple months ago when my niece was born, you know, thinking that being born is a special occasion so even though it’s crazy prices I’d pay more to get something super cute. But I just couldn’t pull the trigger. Our store’s selection was terrible and what was there was less cute than target stuff and and sooooo much more expensive. So I went to Target and got some really cute cheap stuff, one of which was a watermelon dress that was just, so so cute and that I love and that is functional enough for my wee niece to be dressed in. Target, equals awesome. Malls, equals hell.

  6. LOVE THIS ENTIRE POST BEGINNING TO END. END TRANSMISSION.

  7. I agree with your thoughts on Gap Kids. And, yes, why is Gymboree designed so that a stroller does not fit through the aisles?!

    My tall, thin, blonde niece wears those tiny shorts, and it makes me cringe.

  8. At first, I read this as “MAIL RANTS” and I was like, YES! I HATE THE MAIL!

    But, the mall. I can get behind hating the mall. I really hate the mall.
    (Hate the mail more, though!)

    My MIL works for Macy’s and while I get killer deals she works all Christmas and it ruins Christmas for us so, by proxy, I hate the mall.

    But! They do have cute First Impressions clothes. MIL is always showing up with those. SO CUTE.

  9. Man, the silky haired teenage girls, in my case at the pool, bum me out too. I’ll summon my courage and shave my legs and put on my bathing suit and think, “Self, you have had three kids, and you really don’t look half bad. Slap on some sexy sunglasses and get on out there!” And then I’ll arrive and see all these girls with their TWIGS of thighs and then feel like a cellulite and stretch mark covered freak who should be swathed in a towel.
    I haven’t even set foot in a mall yet this summer (such is my loathing) but I’m sure they’re there, too, with legs up to here and shorts up their cracks and I’ll have to look away in horror. And then envision Adelay in their role in just about eight years. She has those legs, too, oh yes, she does already. BUT NONETHELESS THERE WILL BE NO SHORT SHORTS.

  10. I cannot even tell you the last time I was at a mall. Between the teenageres and the creepy people I cant even stomach it. If I can’t buy it online and have it shipped to my front door, I certainly dont need it. Although, I must say, I do miss the hot pretzels.

  11. It just depresses me bc I didn’t even get to be a cute teenager. Decidedly un-blond, un-skinny, and even then I knew I couldn’t pull off short shorts. Also crazy 8 is the only mall store I approve of for kids unless I need to buy an Easter dress my grandma will like and then I go for the Macy’s smocking. Why is that the only place for smocking? My grandma made me smocked dresses until I was like 25. And now I am rambling in a comment via my phone from a Portland breakfast joint which would be the height of rudeness except p is on his phone too. We sort of suck.

  12. In our mall (yes, there’s just one), the store I predominantly shop at – Lane Bryant – is RIGHT NEXT DOOR to Victoria’s Secret. It makes me angry every time I go there because SERIOUSLY?!!

    I only have to buy kids’ clothes for my niece these days, but Target and Old Navy are the best for super cute and cheap. I can get two outfits instead of one! Yahoo!!

    Also, I’m appalled at the state of the clothing the kids wear these days (my hair just got a little grayer). Because not only is it the shorty shorts, but also the extra-shorty skirts and tube tops and spaghetti strap tank tops and it’s just way too much skin! And hair! And makeup!

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