31 Ridiculous Things About Me, Or Me Just Complaining About Things I Hate

1. I’m still mad I didn’t get to name Eli “Hopper”.

2. I love Randy Travis with the entire entirety of my entire heart. I’ll never hear “I’m gonna love you forever” without feeling complete happiness.

3. I hate food that’s been cut up and put into other food.  Like chicken from one meal that gets cut up and cooked again in another meal. HORK.

4. I feel genuinely unsettled about the fact that I only change my kids sheets every other week now that they have bunk beds.

5. Speaking of which.  I love bed more than almost any other place in the world except maybe Palm Springs.

6. I honestly don’t care that much how dirty my house is as long as everything is put away where it goes.  Clutter makes me crazzzzy, but dirt not’s a huge deal to me.

7. Sometimes Pledging my dining room table is legit the highlight of my week.

8. Other than my super handsome husband, Vince Vaughn circa Swingers is on the top of my list.  Except for maybe Jordan Catalano. Or Zac Efron.  Yeah, if they all three begged me to run away with them? That would be a troublesome decision.

9. I don’t really like bacon that much.

10. Ever since I started getting headaches I’m terrified to eat bananas.

11. I consider showering to be an incredible waste of the time.  I have to buy new shower products constantly because otherwise I’d never do it, it’s that boring.  When we were kids I used to make BFF Sara sit in the shower with me and tell me the plots of old Brady Bunch episodes. AND WE’RE STILL FRIENDS I KNOW.

12. Speaking of which, I used to be an ENORMOUS LIAR. In fifth grade I told Sara that my parents had already picked out my wedding dress, but they were waiting to have it made because they didn’t know my size yet.  Man, I was a weirdo.

13.  Also when I was a kid, the three foods I hated the most were pretzels, candy canes,and rice krispie treats.  I’m still pretty neutral on rice krispie treats, although the only foods I won’t eat now are lamb, blue cheese, and cauliflower.  Oh, and wet bread.

14.  I don’t find gardening relaxing at all.  It makes me hot and stressed out.  Erik loves it. So when I talk about all the tomatoes I grew this summer, please know that I…shopped for the seeds.  And maybe picked some, every once in a while.

15. I love to sit by a pool with a book more than almost anything else in the world, but I will almost never go in the water.

16. Throwing things out (or donating them to Goodwill) is one of my very favorite things to do.  In my experience if your parents tended towards the hoardy side of things, you either feel really comfortable surrounded by a lot of stuff, or stuff can make you feel claustrophobic.  I got the stuff claustrophobia.

17. I hate Saturday Night Live. HAAAAAATE.  I also hate stand up comedy, Will Ferrell, and being forced to watch You Tube videos that people tell me are super funny ahead of time.  I’ll find my own humor, dammit!

18.  I tried to watch Game of Thrones with Erik and in the first five minutes someone stabbed and killed a baby. E Dog out, yo.

19.  When I read, I unconsciously crinkle the pages back and forth between my fingers.  Erik HATES it. He calls me “Crinkly McGee” whenever I’m reading next to him.  Sometimes I’ll read a book I don’t even really like because the pages are so good for crinkling.  Paperbacks usually work a lot better than hardcovers.

20.  I love grocery shopping. I don’t even mind putting the groceries away.  But I hate hate hate folding up the paper bags.  Most of the time I end up leaving them on the kitchen floor until Erik gets home and he puts them away for me. I’m so fancy.

21. I do not compost. I have no desire to compost. Am bad person.  Who ain’t gonna compost.

22. I might be sort of obsessed with ribbon. I really love to wrap presents, and the ribbon is the best part. I’m still carrying a grudge against my BIL for stealing some of my favorite ribbon 15 years ago to tie around a forty.  I’ll get you back for that someday Greg! (He 100% thinks I’m touched for my reaction to the ribbon situation, even now. I’m sure this will help.)

23.  I find it very disturbing when people quote Friends episodes.  I’m still upset about the time I saw some dude in the grocery store parking lot wearing a “Central Perk” t shirt. A grown man! Ugh.  Luckily for me Erik only quotes Simpsons episodes.

24.  I have the worst sense of geography of any human ever born. I am still 99% sure that Alaska is an island.

25.  I also couldn’t tell time till I was about 25.  It’s still not 100%, if I’m being honest here.

26. When I was pregnant with Eli I used to have the crazy sex dreams about Nick Lachey.  ALL THE TIME! It was ridiculous! I don’t even find him attractive! (This is untrue. I totally think he’s hot.)

27.  Normally I don’t think I’m too bad with the swearing, but as soon as I get in the car it all goes out the window.  That’s where my kids do their real learning. Sigh.

28.  I think lobster tastes like fish flavored erasers. I can choke it down if I coat it in mayo, but I have never understood the big deal over the business.

29. Two weeks ago I went to this fancy wine/cheese restaurant for Amy’s birthday and I asked the waitress for “whatever you have that’s fizzy.” I would definitely describe myself as a wine sophisticate.

30. I have to watch “Notting Hill” at least twice a year.  More if I’m feeling verklempt.

31.  I hate wet bread.  No wet bread for me. No french toast, no bread pudding, no anything where bread gets wet.  UGH.  The first time I ever visited Erik’s parents his mom made french toast and I ate it, and everyone that heard the story was like “WOAH. YOU MUST REALLY LIKE THIS BOY!” (I did really like him. I still don’t like french toast.)

9 Responses

  1. “I thought it was pronounced Nick Lackey.”

  2. This made me snort-laugh:

    28. I think lobster tastes like fish flavored erasers. I can choke it down if I coat it in mayo, but I have never understood the big deal over the business.


  3. Randy Travis = best. There was this depressing This American Life story a couple weeks ago about death and at the end they played “I’m gonna love you forever,” which verged on ruining the song for me. I’m actively trying to forget it.

    (Also actively trying to forget all that naked DUI business Randy Travis went through a few years ago.)

  4. Pivot! Pivot! (Every time I need to move something, can’t help it.) pivot!

  5. I love this post more than is normal. You are the best.

    Also, Zac Efron for life.

  6. I’m a little concerned about this one.
    4. I feel genuinely unsettled about the fact that I only change my kids sheets every other week now that they have bunk beds.

    Are you saying I should change them MORE often if they aren’t bunk beds? My oldest has a loft bed which is a super pain to change sheets on..but the youngest has a regular twin and I change them maybe..once a month. is that bad? 🙂

  7. Oh I used to quote Friends all the damn time. I stopped, because I realized it made me sound like a lunatic shut-in, but I still do it in my head. Should we ever meet, I’ll try to control myself around you.

    Game of Thrones is intensely horrifying. It’s actually gotten… worse… since the baby killing incident. You start to think the baby got off lucky, considering most of these people’s fates. And yet I find it riveting. Shrug. I really can’t explain it, being a person who most of the time can’t even stomach reading the news. I think maybe because the whole thing is so incredibly far fetched it doesn’t even seem real?

  8. What will happen if you eat a banana? Is it the cause of the headache?

    I started reading GoT ten years ago, got fifty pages in where Jamie throws the kid off the roof, and thought to myself “nothing good will happen to these people.” I flipped to the end of the book, discovered I was right, and stopped reading. My husband is a huuuuuge GoT fan (has read them all a gazillion times) so we watch the show, but I hate reading unhappy/gritty stories.

    I also hate gardening. Hate it. I envy people who have large vegetable gardens, and I want one desperately, but not enough to go out and do the work myself.

    I also grew up in the hoard-y side, and my biggest pet peeve is small, cluttery figurines. No small tchotchkes allowed.

  9. I despise the smell of bacon. Even now it’s making me gag just thinking about it. That is all.

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